On June 5th will be a
whole year of self reflecting and growth in more ways that I could ever
imagine. A year full of tears, laughs, darkness, anxiety attacks, and more. Growing pains
I guess. Triggers that I didn't see coming or didn't even expect; but here we are.
I have always been my
worst critic. I know that no matter what happen, I will be okay... I will make
sure of that with or without emotional support. After all, I have done it before.
Maybe that is why I usually put people needs over mine in time of crisis. It
was a huge trigger to recognize that I let my guard down and trusted 2 people
and they decided to pull the rug under me when I least expected but that is
life I guess.
I have learned that true
love is so powerful. It makes you selfless in more ways than I knew. Putting
that person’s wellbeing before your own pain or ideals. Love is also not enough
to make a relationship work. It can be one of the main ingredients but the
equation is long including respect, communication and more.
I have learned to be
careful who I let people in and confess my weakness to. Some are easy to use
them against you at your lowest points. I was broken in ways I never thought I
would. I still showed up every day with a smile on my face. Yet, your body
sometimes tells on you and that’s how I ended up with anxiety every day for 3
months. People see the strong you and would never guess what you are going thru
and how you may cry yourself to sleep. Very few people could see through my
eyes and smiles. The few of them realize my smile changed, I was not the same.
I thank them because they gave me the little push I needed at times to remind
myself how strong I am and how far I’ve gotten … still long way to go.
Not having family around
makes you brave and weak all at the same time. I know I won’t back down. I may
need a good cry or “sing” loudly for a few days but I will always continue
moving and working on being the best I can because I deserve it.
I am at peace with myself because I try and give my best. My work
turned to be the one thing that has kept me grounded. I can count in one hand the
people the people I can trust being vulnerable with and "weak". People mistake
me telling facts with trust. I don’t necessarily care if someone knows just
facts but me showing emotions and even putting my guard down… then you know I
trust you… I appreciate the one who are there no matter what they have in their
lives. The ones who validate and respect any emotion I may have and help guide
me through the journeys.
Now talking about dating… I could have been in a relationship long
time ago but I don’t like to rush things. I like to heal so I can truly give my
200%. I am not going to lie … falling in love terrifies me to the point I tear
up and kind of shake. I know a good man is worth letting all that go but I am
human. All I want is a good man. Someone “afraid” to lose. Someone who is willing
to work through any obstacle. Someone who communicates and reassurances his
feelings and the view of our future. I
know I am great catch but still have some insecurities here and there . It won’t stop me from feeling and falling in love though.
When I do, I will say it even if not knowing how the other person scares me to
my core. I rather be courageous. One day I'll brag about my new man because that
love would be worth it… Putting out there in the universe…
Time to continue growing, loving and enjoying the good and bad
that life gives…
