Self Reflection...

On June 5th will be a whole year of self reflecting and growth in more ways that I could ever imagine. A year full of tears, laughs, darkness, anxiety attacks, and more. Growing pains I guess.  Triggers that I didn't  see coming or  didn't even expect; but here we are. 

I have always been my worst critic. I know that no matter what happen, I will be okay... I will make sure of that with or without emotional support. After all, I have done it before. Maybe that is why I usually put people needs over mine in time of crisis. It was a huge trigger to recognize that I let my guard down and trusted 2 people and they decided to pull the rug under me when I least expected but that is life I guess.

I have learned that true love is so powerful. It makes you selfless in more ways than I knew. Putting that person’s wellbeing before your own pain or ideals. Love is also not enough to make a relationship work. It can be one of the main ingredients but the equation is long including respect, communication and more.

I have learned to be careful who I let people in and confess my weakness to. Some are easy to use them against you at your lowest points. I was broken in ways I never thought I would. I still showed up every day with a smile on my face. Yet, your body sometimes tells on you and that’s how I ended up with anxiety every day for 3 months. People see the strong you and would never guess what you are going thru and how you may cry yourself to sleep. Very few people could see through my eyes and smiles. The few of them realize my smile changed, I was not the same. I thank them because they gave me the little push I needed at times to remind myself how strong I am and how far I’ve gotten … still long way to go.

Not having family around makes you brave and weak all at the same time. I know I won’t back down. I may need a good cry or “sing” loudly for a few days but I will always continue moving and working on being the best I can because I deserve it.

I am at peace with myself because I try and give my best. My work turned to be the one thing that has kept me grounded. I can count in one hand the people the people I can trust being vulnerable with and "weak". People mistake me telling facts with trust. I don’t necessarily care if someone knows just facts but me showing emotions and even putting my guard down… then you know I trust you… I appreciate the one who are there no matter what they have in their lives. The ones who validate and respect any emotion I may have and help guide me through the journeys.

Now talking about dating… I could have been in a relationship long time ago but I don’t like to rush things. I like to heal so I can truly give my 200%. I am not going to lie … falling in love terrifies me to the point I tear up and kind of shake. I know a good man is worth letting all that go but I am human. All I want is a good man. Someone “afraid” to lose. Someone who is willing to work through any obstacle. Someone who communicates and reassurances his feelings and the view of our future.  I know I am great catch but still have some insecurities here and there .  It won’t stop me from feeling and falling in love though. When I do, I will say it even if not knowing how the other person scares me to my core. I rather be courageous. One day I'll brag about my new man because that love would be worth it… Putting out there in the universe…

Time to continue growing, loving and enjoying the good and bad that life gives…

 

 

My Person

 It has taken me over 3 months to be able to write this out. Talking about it is not easy. This has been one of the most beautiful yet challenging experiences of my life. 

People say that when you know you know and I believe it is true. I knew it even on our first day at Red Cadillac. He has been the only one that did not give me any anxiety. Instead he made me feel safe 90% the time. No relationship is perfect. For him , I tried to always seek for solutions and giving my best even it was not enough at times. He is my person. My best friend . Someone I could have a serious or silly conversation. Someone I could be myself even though at the end a situation tricked us. The perfect chef! 

Our relationship was perfectly imperfect. It had up, downs and in betweens. That is just life. We went through a few dark moments but we came out of them together. Some other memories so beautiful I can only wish to relive them again and again.  Funny moments, long walks, conversations at 2 or 3am about life and what we were going to do or even eating pasta at 4am lol. Plans and dreams. Laughing together and acting silly. The simplest things were the ones I cherish the most. Living a pandemic together and instead of arguing, it got us closer. It was amazing to be team and spend so much time together. Those months were like I was living on cloud 9. 

I have learned so much through him and with him. I wish he could see and feel the way I feel and see him. I have seen him at his darkest moments, even then I was able to see how worthy he is. Even at his darkest moment; he care and love me, maybe not perfectly but he tried and did. His tries I cherish and appreciate it until my last breath. So many moments. I keep in my heart.  I hope he realizes his potential. I hope he gets to believe in himself as much as I believe in him. No matter how many people reminds him his past trying to belittle him, he is passed that. He is going through a rebirth and his come back will be stronger than ever. He taught me accountability, strength, loyalty, vulnerably, and more. 

It is hard not to shed tears remembering him and what we have lived so far. God only knows how I feel, miss and love him. There is so much left unsaid but God's time is perfectly. I know he has a plan for all this. That is why when someone from his inner circle said " she felt bad about me wasting time on him" got me incredibly upset but I tried to control myself. I will never regret it. I would do it all over again. HE is worth it. He is my love whether him or anyone else believes it. It may sound naive but it is how I feel. If I could I would put him in a bubble so no-one will hurt him ever, I can't .. I know! lol All I can do is respect him. Support him. Love him wherever he is. He tried to scared me away but leaving was never an option for me. I was going to stand by him through it all. It was my choice and I stand by it. He is the only one I have ever seen myself ending up with. I can only talk about MY feelings. Now everything is on God and his hands.. the ball is on his court. 

I pray for him every day since I fall for him. For his health, future and all. The time I see him again , I will not be able to control myself lol Let's just leave it at that.  He is my heart. I know that if I wanna be there for him. I have to be there for myself. My healing processes started back in January.  I always knew that i I love someone and want to support them , I have to be okay first.  My love ones are worth of the best version of me that why I keep learning a growing each day. I know I will be okay no matter what it is next, but my heart know what it wants, what requires and what it is willing to give...

Let's God play it cards. I am ready...

Just a Letter...

Love, love love...One small word, 4 letters but it makes you jump front and backwards. Love is so easy and complicated. Yet most of us still keep "looking" and hoping we can have that love story that will have no end. Today, at 30 years old, I can say my sense of love has been shaped and may not be the exact same from when I was younger.. I know ! It is just common sense since we are growing, adapting and hopefully maturing as we go through life. 

At this point in my life, I know what I want & do not want; what I will put up with and what will make me run faster than you can think of. All this has been through heartaches and people's experiences. I have learned that before asking and thinking what " I want from someone", I have to be sure I can also give that to the person I pick as partner.  I would like to date someone hardworking, faithful, respectful, family orientated honest, fun, romantic. Someone who is proud to have me as a partner and would show me off here and there. Someone who is willing to be a team and build a future together instead of run when there is an obstacle. I believe that is not too much since those qualities are just of a decent human being! Now, don't get me wrong, All I want in a person is what I bring to the table... 

I recently went through the roughest heartbreak. No, the end was not dramatic or nasty at all.  It was a notification not a conversation. Even tough I was not agreeing with his decision; I respected it. It has been rough because I believe he is "my one". God it hurts in such a different ways than any breakup before. He has been the only one I ever wanted to have a family with and was ready to commit to whatever life has throw at us. Those almost 2 years were full of hardships but also beautiful moments. He is currently going through self reflection and awakening that I can only understand and support. Unfortunately, he is dwelling in the past so much and hurting himself that he is not allowing me to be there for him and support him through this process. 

In  the beginning , I had conflicted feelings regarding his love for me. However, as time pass by maybe he loves me so much he is rescuing me from this process for now. Some processes we have to go through alone so we can come back stronger as a couple and individuals. I have no clue what the future holds. If at the moment he is emotionally stable , he realizes he feels the way I feel about him and comes back and ask for second chance Or if he only comes back for amends. The ball is on his court regarding that. I love and accept him with all his flaws, virtues and scars...

I fell peace because my love is pure. My intentions have been good; and I have supported him through it all. Ups, downs and in between.  Leaving him was never an option. When the one you love is hurting, is the moment to show more love instead of knocking him when he is down like I saw some people do. He is my one and only and I have to set him free so if he is meant to be with me, he will be back and if not, I will love him forever from far. No demons or imperfections ever scared me away. Instead it made me love him stronger. Don't get it confused with co-dependency. I know I can live without him yet my heart wishes it otherwise. I have been working  on myself this hole time without saying anything because I always knew that to love someone, I have to love me and be happy with myself. Otherwise, I cannot give my 100% like I always do. 

The best way to proof and show my love for him  will be to pray he continues to be healthy in every way and shape. I am leaving this love story on God's hands and on his as well. If our story continues, I will continue to  work on being a good person and partner. In general, I will always continue to self reflect and grow because I deserve to be my best version of myself for myself and the ones who love me. 

True love has a way of coming back... Let's see...

To The One(s) who Broke my Heart

This goes to anyone who has broken this little heart whether they were family, friends or ex partner....

I am not sure if any of those people will read this but here it goes...

The number of people allow to be part of me and have access to my heart is pretty small. Therefore, the hurt is considerable when things like what you did happen.
You never apologized for you behavior. Instead, you acted like it was nothing and in some cases even victimized yourself.
Funny enough I did not picture my life without some of you but look at us know... complete strangers.  At times, I even questioned myself if I ever truly knew part of who you are/were... You broke my heart and soul because I did care.  I am not ashamed to accept that I even cried myself to sleep thinking about the whole situation. Maybe I showed and opened up  too much, too soon or maybe not enough...
The betrayal and disrespect was indescribable and unexpected. At some point and for some reason I even questioned if I deserved it but who does? I tried to understand why would you do something like that to ANYONE and where you could be coming from. However, at your age you should have a better sense of accountability and consequences. You should have known better...
I was there. I never judged. I hold your hand through it all... I am not rubbing it in because first of all I did it because that is what I wanted to do. However, 1% respect is all I asked in returned. For you to be honest enough to confront the situation face to face instead of hiding ... Too much to ask?
It took me a little while to understand that it was not me. I cannot fight to keep any type of relationship by myself. I need the other person to care and you did not or not enough. You were not afraid to lose me so why should I? My care/love for you was transformed into appreciation of memories and lessons you gave me in the time shared. if you thought you destroyed me, hunny you did not...
The scars were meaningful this time around which cannot be denied. I have been so scared to open up to possible new friends or partner. I was second guessing people intentions. What do they want? What if I care and they leave again? what if the story keeps repeating? What if I am not enough? It did brought some anxiety until I understand some stuff. I focus on healing myself. I focus on loving and getting to know ME even deeper. I tried to find out what "mistakes" I could have made so I can deal with them, be a little bit more happy and in peace.
Caring too much and loving a person as a friend or partner still scares me- a bit. I understand that opening up and being vulnerable is not easy and that is ok. The pain you caused me made me stronger. Made me value more the people I have by my side. I know what I don't want for me in a friend or partner I know the type of person and behavior I will not allow to be...
Today, I acknowledge that I do not open easily but when I connect with someone friendly or romantically , I do care/love deeply and fast. That has been my strength and weakness. I am eager to know and connect to new people. I am excited even if scared to fall in love and be loved. I will express what I feel and think honestly and truthfully. I will value more the effort people make to be here for me, love and make me happy. I notice the little things more...
Today I am open to possibilities. I embrace me and what it is meant to be in my life..I am ready for what is next. If there is any issues, I will work on it. I will figure it out. I am strong enough to do so. As long someone is honest, has feeling for me  but most important truly wants to be part of my life; we  will work things out.. That is my policy for everyone... family, friends and romance. We will be a team and if that changes and you don't desire to have me in your life.. say it... I will leave respectfully.  There is a difference between forcing things and fighting for something you care... I value what I have and will have as part of my life and me...

Today I say I forgave you because I deserve to be in peace even if you never apologize or explain your behavior ... I have the courage to do that.. do you?

Ladies Talk...

Last post was all about what makes a man...a man.. well at least in my eyes.. Therefore, it is only fair to give the other side of the story.... what makes me a WOMAN with all big letters...
We all know or at least hope are aware than being a woman has always been complicated.  We have to overcome countless obstacles throughout history and even nowadays.  It is intriguing how women "have" to fulfill more expectations than men since they have been naturalized...
Anyways, here are some characteristics of a G.O.O.D woman in my eyes and who I hope to be...

• She is honest with the ones she loved but most important with herself. She knows lies and betrayals hurts someone if deeper level than a regular person can imagine
• She commits since day one. She knows the long term goal is to have a healthy relationship which includes bumps along the road. She will not leave you hanging because you turnout to be not perfect. Instead, she will be there to help you overcome it and remind you that her support is the good, bad and in-between days. 
• She is independent in all aspects so don't expect her to beg you to be in her life  no matter what link you have ( friendship/romance/family). If you want to be part of her life, believe she will match your efforts...
• She is empathetic and forgives. However, she doesn't allow people play her. If someone takes advantage of her, she will learn and grow from the experience. However, remember she is not the one being played, that person played themselves.
• She is serious but also  let her guard down from time to time. She can be silly just like a little girl and serious when it comes to protect her love ones as a mother would.
• She always play with her "deck" open. She will let you know what role you play in her life. She doesn't play little games that will lead on people.
• She is humble and down to earth. She gets far in life in all aspects but always remember where she comes from and is proud of it. Proud of every obstacle she has overcome and will do in the future
• She is accountable for her mistakes. She is not afraid to say " sorry" and apologize. She embraces  it and grows.
• She is supportive and responsible in all aspects. She makes time for her priorities but also for her relationships ( family, friends and romance) . She knows know the importance to nurture her future but also her heart.
• She acknowledges her flaws and constantly work on them. She is aware some day will be better than other and tries to embrace challenges in a  positive way.Even if she breaks down from time to time, she rises stronger.
  
• Her words have meaning. She says what she means and means what she says. She does not express feelings she does not feel with everything she got. 
• Treats all people equality no matter religion, sexuality, status, and more. 
• If she wants a parter, she will want someone who complement his life. Someone who share same values and point of view even if that would challenge her at times. Someone who inspires him tone and do better. She does not look for enablers or someone to manipulate. 
• She values every detail her love ones have with her. That text message , DM , post, call out of no where letting her know she was on your mind or that random friend thats tops by her house to chat, grab lunch or just sing in the car... The most simple ways to show love to her will make her heart warm and even bring tears of joy 
• She has respect for people who is accountable for their errors confront her apologizes and change their behavior. She acknowledges that fighting with your own demons is not easy therefore; the effort is valued. She cannot fixed something she did not break but she can compromise.... meet on the way for a mutual goal be in each other lives.
• She knows how precious are "second changes" whether she gives or receives one. 
• Before she expects or ask anything from anyone, she makes sure to be able to bring the to the table in all aspects
• Her life seeks meaning deeper than materialistic or physical things
• She is patient because she know there is no perfection. However, she had boundaries which keep her relationships and herself health
• She is terrified of love, trust and walls she has built. However, she conquers those fears when she crosses path with people who are worth the risk and make her safe to do it.

As a woman, we have so many expectation on what to do or not, how to feel, how to react.... endless I would say as previously mentioned. We have a magnifying glass because it is easier to judge a woman than a man . Facts! Whether you want to accept it or not .. it's so normalized is terrifying at times. However,  it can also be used as motivation to be the best you can and prove people and your own fears wrong.
I am a great catch.. I know it! I know what I want, deserve and am willing to put up with. I have embrace challenges that I never thought I would. I have gotten my heart broken more times I can count. But for some reason; I still believe in true love. I have been played , cheated on, ghosted, took advantage of but I still believe there is good. I have cried myself to sleep but woke up and put a smile on my face and keep on fighting. Life is not about who does not cry ... is the survival of the strong ones and hey I AM A STRONG WOMAN!  I know I will always give my best to the one(s) I love. I will be there through thick and thin (truly). I know how to walk away when people treats me with no respect. If someone comes back for good and real reasons, I LISTEN, I forgive but don't forget because the lessons must not be forgotten. they help you avoid the same mistakes... I keep learning... I am ready for what it comes and if I am not, I will figure it out... I always do....

Good Man? Man Enough?

Society is always so worry defining masculinity. What a real man is all  about. What he should look like How he should behave . How he should love or not. How "successful' he should be by a certain age. This machismo is too much letting "boys" believe that they can pretend to men or even a gentleman just because. Believe me a true man and gentleman can be spotted a thousand miles a way. Boy play so many game and have a pattern so you can see it and it is up to you if you want to be naive or play their games.
Here are some characteristic that what a true man is for me... which I would like to have as friend and even more partner.. but thats for another post lol

• A MAN is honest. Whether he want to have fun or something serious. He knows everyone time is priceless. Does not play games. He leaves that for "boys"
• He takes accountability for any mistake he can commit. He will apologize and change his behavior
• He is constantly working on himself. He want to be the best version of himself not only for his love ones but for him.
• He is trustworthy. Make people feel safe and it shown through his actions. Faithful
• He knows how to be loyal an to commit. No only on the personal( intimate, relations with his circle ) level but in his professional life. 
  
• He has goal he knows will achieve with effort and perseverance. He knows there will be up and downs but does not give up as soon as something bad happens. Instead he uses it as motivation.
• His word is powerful. He does not say things he don't mean. 
• He knows when to ask for help and be vulnerable,
• He is not afraid of deep feelings, emotions and conversations. He seeks meaning 
• He respect everyone and not only when it is convenient.
• He is not selfish. He is empathetic with people so he will think twice before causing any type of pain to anyone. He is aware that his actions have consequences.
• He is responsible ( financially & emotionally) but let go from time to time
• He knows communication is a key for all his relations in his inner - outer circle
• He protects his love one without having to hide stuff
• He knows when to let go ( respectfully) and when to make a comeback stronger  and consistent.
• He is humble
• Love is not a game for them. They only go there when its true. Never settle just not to be "alone"thats for weak people 
• Treats all people equality no matter religion, sexuality, status, and more. 
• Has those little details with his family , friends and partners. Makes them feel important - even romantic I could say... seeing that will make your heart feel all warm...
• If he wants a parter, he will want someone who complement his life. Someone who share same values and point of view even if that would challenge him at times. Someone who inspires him tone and do better. He does not look for enablers or someone to manipulate. 

A real man is more than what he owns. more than what he has on his pockets, more than sex/gender. A real man is human , a decent one. Never perfect but always as transparent as possible. Lead by example. My question for you is... Are you man enough?

Randoms...

Well, well I usually post deep thoughts that I want to take off my chest but this time around let go for something light... Lets share some facts about me...

1. Music was, is and always be my scape and best wait to express myself. It can change my mood in seconds.
2. The best gifts I have received so far was a guitar and letters... I still cannot play for my life lol
3. Neck and head (hair) massages are the best.. I swear I would fall asleep in seconds lol
4. The opinion of mothers of people close to me are super, mega important 
5. I RESPECT people who are honest about their feelings and points of views whether it is electronically and even more in person! Second one needs big cojones!.
6. My inner inca comes outs if you mess with people things I care about (love ones- career) or if you try to question my honor or even just call me weak . Don't try me! someone did a few years back
7. One of my favorite scents is jasmine.
8. Favorite flowers: roses, tulips and orchids
9. Favorite color: Deep/blood red, black and dark blue
10. I hate limbo. Confront the situation in a mature way. 
11. I hate crying in front of people but there are certain topics that will make me break down in seconds.
12. My taste in music is super weird I can listen metal, romantic music, bachata, salsa ,etc... but no house and staff like that.... I need lyric, passion lol Don't judge! I can feel it lol 
13. Gilty pleasure... Food ... Food is my soulmate <3 Biggest sweet tooth therefore curvy figure lol
14. Some things I learned lately:
• You cannot fix what you did not break. However, you can out some effort to  make things better the other person makes the first move
• Appreciate what you have because memories cannot be touched
• Love deeply and hard. Be there and say everything you truly mean. However, keep yourself grounded and understand you can only be responsible for YOUR feelings and actions
15. I love to spoil my love ones when I can :)
16. One of the most unique compliments I have received is that I have a genuine laugh and it makes people laugh. LOVE IT! 
17. Goals: make people feel safe they can be themselves around me. 
18. It is easy for me to say no instead of yes... yes are scary! It is open to change and so many things can happen...
19. I am not afraid of dying ... morbid yeah yeah... get over it!
20. I have been in love 3 times only . For me to say  the "I L..." phrase takes A LOT! 
21. I always have a smile in my face no matter what can be happening in my life.
22. I am supper silly after a while and feeling comfortable/safe
23. I don't know how to flirt... I am super direct - no filter 
24. I'm overprotective of the one I love or things I care about. Don't mess with my career or love ones that my inner Inca comes out lol
25. I always wish I could do more to help anyone I love who is in "trouble" 
26. I am a sucker for the old type of love...one rose, a love letter, a dedicated song or playlist ... that makes my heart melt 
27. I love to dance whether it is at a club or any room in a house lol
28. Having a family is not a goal for me but a dream
29. I cannot sleep with socks on 😳 
30. Dying to go to and do a tour  Alcatraz at night but I can't unless I have a travel partner lol I love paranormal staff but I am a chicken too lol
31. I cannot stand egocentric people that think they can do no wrong 😑
32. I  have learned to be a very patient person but don't get me wrong I see or smell bs and I'm out.
33. I have very very few friends . Quality over quantity. I love spending time alone as much as I love company
34. I express my feeling best when I write than speaking... I even tend to overthink at times.
35. I kind of believe I am sensitive... sometimes my gut feelings or dreams come true... 🙅
36. I don't enjoy being the center of attention
37. Favorite comedians : Gabriel Iglesias and Russell Peters
38. If I really want something,  I will do it even if that means I will do it alone
39. I do not know how to give up on people I love but there is so much I could possibly do if they push me far enough.
40. I tend to be jealous but for me to admit it out loud will make me lose my color lol 

Bitter Sweet 28

According to my experiences, most people keep trying to portray a perfect life. However, I am not afraid to be the first to admit my life is FAR FAR from perfect. There are time I can look Chinese because of how hard I am laughing and times where I cry and tear up whether I have reasons or not.. it's ok. What I always try to do is remember where I come from and how far I've gotten. If I could go through the toughest time of my life by myself then I can confront any challenge life has for me. I have a very small inner circle which I love and appreciate dearly. Here are some of the lessons I keep with me...

1. Be yourself! Cliche? Maybe but it is true. The right people will stay by your side for the right reasons. Plus it gotta be tiring to pretend to be or act a certain way right? I'm continuously working on accepting and loving myself .. the good , the bad , the in between... working to be the best version of myself...
2. Appreciate the people who have been there for you 100%... through thick and thin. Believe me finding people like that gets harder and harder. Be grateful for that blessing that not many people can have. A lot of people may have an agenda whether you see it or not... Genuine people are in extinction which is pretty sad I'll say
3. Everyone needs their space and privacy. Hey! don't confuse this with pushing people away. Even the most loyal people can start putting some distance if you push them enough...It does not mean they don't love you but you have made them believe their presence or absence means the same to you -it hurts!-... then TALK TO THEM. Any "normal" person will understand you may not be feeling well or just wanna have some  "me time"  even they will be appreciative of your trust and sharing feelings.
4. Don't be so hard on yourself! Thats something I constantly work on this. I always feel I could do more or at least I wish I could for the ones I love. Which is even one of my biggest fears.. to not be enough for them .. to disappoint them and just the thought of it brings tears to my eyes... Learn to see every day battles as little victories - depending on what you may be going through-. Your journey, my journey will never be smooth .. That will be a freaking dream but life is not a dream. Your journey will make you tough. It may bring you to your knees here and there but believe that you are strong enough to learn and rise from it. Be your version 2.0 everyday for short and long term goals
5. Express how you feel! Mean what you say, say what you mean! Be brave! Opening up and being vulnerable its not easy. Tell your people how much you love and appreciate them not because they wanna hear it but because YOU FEEL it!... Life is so tricky so be happy you expressed them how they make you feel daily, monthly.. whatever you feel it is right but do it! A little " Im happy you're part of my life" can mean more than you think to the receiver than you could ever imagine. Now on the other hand, If you feel different about a friendship or relationship, be upfront! If you do care about that person, the least they deserve is you telling them the truth face to face don't you agree? You shouldn't be selfish and let them go... If they are meant to be your friend, parter, relative then BOTH of you will find the way to work things out and have a better relationship... You both will talk and start from zero. Easier said than done I know I know but it is not impossible Be the change! 
6. Tough love is not the same as being destructive. This applies whether you are the giver or receiver. Every advise should be welcomed as long as it comes from a place of respect and love. No-one likes to be put down when they are trying their best to be better but be conscious about your actions. Remember! what you do, your pain does not only affect you but you inner circle. Don't blind yourself due to the dark moment you may be going through. Don't get frustrated trying to get your point across. That person need that advice yes! but also need to feel safe enough to open up so both of you can find a better solution or at least find some comfort that things will be alright at some point. Having someone on your corner is valuable.
7. Start thinking on how would you like to be remembered. No it is not as dark as it may sound. It may motivate you to make sure you are doing what you need to do. Be the change and leave a print on people lives and souls. In my case, I want to be the person that will make other feel safe, respected, loved, listened, supported and appreciated. Will everyone appreciate it? hell no! there will be people who don't accept it, others will take advantage and even take it for granted. Therefore, it is important you do it because it's something you feel and want not because you are looking some type of award. The right ones will do give love and appreciation back or at least respect. 
8. Be open to learn new things at the most unexpected times. Whether it is a personal experience or someone else's. People I love the most are the ones who have broken my heart at the most unexpected time and given me the most valuable lessons. I also have learned from people's journeys seeing their strength too fight bigger and different "demons" and situations than me and succeeded. I'm grateful I met them because I have learned through them and with them. I was able to tell some of them I look up to them because they never gave up and always tried to best whether it was a hit or a miss... they kept fighting.
9. Patience. Oh boy I have learned!Every person has a different way of thinking, process and act and that should be respected as long as it is not shady or malicious. You cannot expect people to have the same heart than you! Therefore, patience and communication may go hand on hand some times. Let them breath, gather their thought and come back so you can address any situation. If you consider yourself a "ride or die" like myself, then be their freaking rock when they need you the most even if they push you away a bit in the beginning. Being there through thick and thin is not easy that is why those bonds are priceless. It is easy to be there for parties, holiday, laughs but it is more important to be there in those moments when that person just want company in complete silence, someone to hold them or just listened to them whether or not their feelings or thought make sense in that moment. Please talk  to each other. You don't have to share all the story just enough so the other person knows how to address any situation. You should't have to fight alone be fair to yourself if you have the support. Be aware someone may need you more than you know but they keep quite and submerge themselves in those nasty thoughts. Be empathetic even if you haven't experienced what they have gone through. Acknowledge what they feel and try to be there to the best of your abilities as long as they allow you too. There is so much you can do from distance...
10. Giving up...This one is not easy for me either. I'm fighter whether it is about a situation, project or person. I will try my best under any circumstances. I will fight hell and back before it is even a thought. As previously mentioned, I consider myself a ride or die so the only times I would take this path is if someone goes against my core values or if that person itself tell me  face to face " they don't want me to be part of their lives"Then I would respect that maybe just ask why because I do wanna grow from every experience and Id be gone...When it comes to project, I would give my best and be professional until the last moment as long as my team's work is not delayed 

Those are some lessons I have learned throughout the years and have been reinforced the past couple of months. I am sure they will not be the last ones. I keep evolving and learning every day, month and year. All I want is to be happy and make the ones I love happy as much as I can because their happiness is part of mine... Like me? Hate Me? ... I am just me...

It can suck but it's alright

Nowadays everyone is so worry about giving the right impression about themselves or their lives- Guilty of charge at times...People think that they must be happy and smiling all the time otherwise they are not "living" or something must be "terribly wrong". Don't say how you feel, people don't care. Do you even gain anything from pretending? Appearances vs reality... I call BS!
I still don't get why people hesitate so much to show real, raw and true emotions. Why people just can't say "I'm not good today" without getting a gasp of air as reaction? Why do we have to pretend to have our lives together 100% of the time? The grass is always greener on the other side till you get to the other side.. isn't this true?
Life is difficult, complicated and twisted as hell. Some things will happen as we planned and want..others will just hit us in the face with the biggest lessons whether we asked for them or not... Growing up sucks but it can be wonderful at the same time. The trick is how you perceive things and what you do with it... Easy? Hell to the no! worth it ? Most of the time even after a few tears...
Every now and then, I try to stop and analyze what I've been going through. Check up on myself whether it is regarding something good, bad or in between. I will say is something pretty healthy I learned throughout the years and experiences. It helps me focus on what it is important and "have control of". I am learning how to express my feelings, insecurities and thoughts. Believe me it is very hard for me to open up even when I am doing it to someone I love... those vulnerable moments scare every cel in my body...
Not long ago I ask my dad what he thinks of me as a person leaving on the side I am his daughter. What he said shocked me... He said "You're a good person but you need to stop thinking everyone is out to hurt you."I was not expecting it but at the same time somehow I knew it... I've always put up walls to avoid people using or hurting me; but at the end of the day it may still happen so what is the point of stopping myself from feeling and enjoying the good? At times, when everything is too good to be true, I get so much anxiety because I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop... At that moment, I lose sight of whats important which is enjoying that precious happiness...
Breaking the idea society has made us believe of smiling all the time and perfect lives is not easy. Perfection does not exist and if it does is boring! We are evolving every day, every moment.For example,  I choose to smile as much as I can and try to be positive and grateful not because I want people to believe "that reality"; but I want to have the perspective which will allow me to grow and learn. I know some days will suck like no other and if you ask I will say it " hey I'm not ok" " I feel like the blues" "I'm irritable...not now" and all those answers are ok. I am a normal human who feels and reacts to different variables. I acknowledge those moments. I feel them and work through them to the best of my ability.
Life is full of good and bad experiences , good and bad people... The point is to take the best out of each situation. Learn not only from what you go through but the people who are part of your life. Every person is a different world twisted, imperfect but amazing at the same time. Lets stop trying to pretend we can control "everything" because it's false and it will stop you from living the present. It is ok not to be ok all the time because it allows you to grow internally even if you don't see it right this moment...
At almost 28 (lets hope I make it lol hey you never know), I have to say I am blessed -not lucky- to have amazing people in my life who make me feel loved, appreciated and supported. My circle is pretty damn small but it is what I need and want. I learn not only from each person but with them as well. I will be there for them  during good, bad and the in between as long as life and they allow me to.I am grateful for the scars because they help me see from a different point of view and be more appreciative of what I currently have in my life and who I am...still a long way to go and I am as ready as I can be... Let's keep working on being the best version of ourselves not only for us but for the ones we love the most...

Twisted and Twisting

Nowadays twisting things are way to easy and common. As I was talking to a friend, I realize most of us assume things instead of just asking. Sometimes may be because we say thing half way or are so busy trying to read between lines that sometimes the actual meaning get lost. Each person can have different interpretations for the same message...Here are some of my thoughts

1. Being a nice, polite - a gentleman /lady does not mean that person is flirting with you. If someone is actually flirting, they will make sure you notice.
2. Not because they are family, you should let them walk over you. Respect is mutual. 
3.  I don't wanna lose people I love but I will not hold to someone who may be breaking my heart and soul constantly. Whether you stay in my life or not, its up to YOU whether it is because you wanna leave or because your action make me lose respect for you. No matter how much I may love you, if I need to walk a away for a while or forever. I will.
4. I know I don't have a filter at times and what I say may come out wrong. Believe me the last thing I would do is hurt someone on purpose but I try to keep it honest. I'm learning how to be more aware of how my word can impact someone. Same message can be deliver in a nicer way.
5. What you  do to others, it is what you enable. If you cheat, you are enabling  the other person to cheat on you. if you disrespect someone, you enable that person to be rude and disrespectful to you.
6. If you want to come back but you are scare of what I would say/do, don't be. The door is always open. It will be on YOU whether or not to make a move and we go from there.
7. I may whine at time but I will still do what I gotta do. I'm not afraid of challenges.
   
8. I may have gone through some tough situations but I was not born a victim
9. I dont show affection easily but I'm not cold. I just need to feel safe before I open up to someone even more if deep feelings are involved.
10. Men and women can be friend LEGIT FRIENDS! People think that because they get along great and even have inside jokes; something must be happening. NO! it just people who get along and have a good vibe. Yes sometimes it can turn into something else but it is NOT a must.
11. If you don't like something, say it! Do not assume the other person will automatically know it even if they know you for a long time.
12. People don't change, they evolve. That's ok! as long as you keep being you not matter what it may bring. Sometimes some people may leave and other will come/come back. That's life! Put your cards on the table. You stay should be appreciated as much as they appreciate you for being honest with them and yourself.
13. Lastly, I know it is hard to be bold in this world that pressure you to just fit in. Get out of your comfort zone little by little as much as you are comfortable with. Do not let peer pressure fool you into do something you don't want or are not ready to. Always do what it is best for you and good things will follow as long as your intention are pure.

Moving on and Truly Loving

Do you think true love and move on can go hand on  hand? Until recently I did not think that was possible. However, my point of view continue improving by the day. Maybe it is due to different situations I have lived the past 4 years or just a matter of growing up. Now I try to see all the scenarios possible before making judgements and even after try to keep an open mind.
I am true believer that if you truly love (ed) someone; you will never hate them. You may be disappointed, disgusted, broken due to their actions but never hate. If there is love, it is impossible hate to exist. In my personal experiences, I truly loved in the past and even though that person(s) could have broke me in to pieces; I was never able to hate them.
After the relationship is over, one of you will be the one who "move one" faster. It does not matter who it is because what you or the other person will feel is almost the same. There will be jealousy and pain which is normal even though it will not feel right. That doesn't mean neither you still love or stop loving the other. Everyone just gotta keep moving.
Maybe the other person/you started a relationship because they don't know to be alone. The years will go by just because they comfortable even if not happy or in love. That will cause jealousy maybe you still not over or maybe it's just confusion. At the end of the day, you will know that if you truly TRULY love that person; you want them to be happy no matter how the relationship ended or where you guys stand.
YOU will continue living and getting to know new people till you meet or reconnect with "the one" Maybe the one, your soulmate, is the one that just broke your heart or maybe is someone completely new. All I am sure  is that you and everyone gotta continue moving and living what you gotta live so when the time comes everything with fit and fall into place.
Whether you are held on the past, stuck in a relationship because you're comfortable or just single doesn't mean you will not get a happy ending. This just mean your happy ending may take a little longer than "expected"
If you love someone, support them even if it is not what you want as long as it does not break you as a human being. Show and tell them so you  have no more regrets. Moving on is not the same as stop loving someone.  Most important show your love by loving yourself and being the best version of you so later on you can live that story with every piece of you. Give them the space they need to live what they need to and make up their minds. When they sure, they will come back to you and both will make a move whether it is to say "good bye for ever", build a strong friendship or rebuilt a stronger future together... Everyone deserve a second chance whether it is to reconnect or to make peace with the end...

Is it too Late to Say I'm Sorry?

This post may be for someone , for some or for myself...

Have you ever heard the words " it is never too late to say you're sorry" and/or "it is too late to say sorry" ? I think we all have hear both at last a couple of times in our lives. 

"Sorry" may be a simple word but has a very deep meaning at least it should. For some, it is way to easy to say it making it part o their routine.  "Sorry" in those mouth has very little o no meaning. On the other hand, for some saying it takes all the strength they may have. 

In my opinion, it is never too late to say sorry only if you actually mean it. Take the time you need to acknowledge what, why , when and then make the move. What is the point if you haven't done that? well you will go down the same path, make the wrong turn and screw everything up again. Stop letting time pass by and making excuses for yourself and your actions, women/man up and say "yes I screw it up. I"M SORRY" . It may be hard but it will not only free you but may free the other person as well ... you will feel it..

What if it is too late? Well as preciously mentioned, for me it is never too late. Maybe it is late for the outcome you may be expecting or waiting for. If you made a bed, you will have to sleep on it. Maybe the person that you hope to get back already moved on or the friendship is broken for sure. However, one thing is certain, after doing this, you will never be the same. Why? Because now you are aware you have the courage to admit you are human and do something about it instead of hiding behind excuses like "I'm not perfect." Also, the other person will see you in a different way. They may even have respect for you because you are honest not only to them but to yourself. 

Now, time to talk about the most important and hardest "sorry"... the one to yourself. Yes! We are our worst critic and enemy. We tend to be so hard on ourselves without noticing. Stop! Embrace yourself and learn how to improve not only to make new and better connections with people but with yourself. You will have you forever till your last breath so this link is the most important of all. Apologize to yourself for not giving  you enough credit or for not being hard enough to the point you let your mistakes take the best of you, your life and the ones you love... It is time to make a change and that will make the difference between being truly happy and just be ok but pretending to be happy. Do not settle!

It is time for me to say I'm sorry...

1. I am sorry for not showing you how much I love/loved you and what you mean/meant for me
2. I am sorry for making you feel I doubted your love for me
3. I am sorry for not letting you know how much you hurt me 
4. I am sorry for not letting you in or not doing it completely
5. I am sorry for not speaking up my thoughts and feelings
6. I am sorry for not putting limits
7. I am sorry I did not give it a shot or second chance
8. I am sorry I don't try hard enough and I stay in my comfort zone
9. I am sorry for not admitting I can be sensitive and vulnerable.
10. I am sorry for...

If you want to apologize to someone do it! stop thinking about what the other person may think and JUST DO IT. That person may be waiting or needing it... Do it for you! Because you deserve to let that baggage go and be in peace...

Not The Woman For You...

Warning: This post may be for someone(s) or no-one...figure it out!

Once someone told me love is like a war.. easy to begin but difficult to"end".. I not necessarily believe "true love" ends... but I do agree with that to a certain extend. There are some people who can totally fall madly in love quickly if they are not careful. On the other hand, there are people that may have everything you look for BUT you can only see them as friends even if you try... the connection is not there....Now the tricky part is to confront those feelings... to maybe even speak up and confess them... Do you have anything to lose?Yes?No?... Definitely sometimes the stories don't exactly have the ending you want but it doesn't mean it is not a "happy ending". Sometimes you just gotta be sure of what you are, want and deserve... Here are my reason why I may not be the woman for you.. not you...YOU!

1. I am not a woman for you because I know what I look in a man. However, you change your mind every minute. 
2. I am not the woman for you because if I take a chance with you(or someone), I do it sure and not thinking that it may fail. I want something that will last. On the other hand, If I don't have feeling for someone I find the way to let them on and lead them on. I give fair shot before making a final decision.
3. I am not the woman for you because I am faithful and I am not sure you know what that means. Keep in mind when you cheat, you are enabling the other person to cheat on you. If you were my partner, it would be on me if I want to disappear on you forever or I want to even out the score. You would never know when, how, with who or how many times... Wanna play the game?
4. I am not the woman for you because I am not a girl who runs away when things get complicated like you do. I will try to find the best solution and not throw my relationship away like it means nothing... I am ready to fight for my happiness and overcome any obstacle that may try to bring it down while you are still caring about what people may think.
5. I am not the woman for you because I am ready to know the world but you cannot get out of your comfort zone.
6. I am not the woman for you because I will care like no other before. I will want the best for you, support you as much as I can and want to have open communication. However, you just want things your way.
7. I am not the woman for you because I will keep it real. I will not agree with everything you think or believe. You want someone who will follow your commands instead of complementing your life.
8. I'm not the woman for you because you look at me thinking "what if things would be different?".  Unlike you, I would make things different and risk it giving it a shot.
9. I am not the woman for you because I may want you to make me feel secure but I am also independent. I want my voice to be heard and respected. 
10. I am not the woman for you because I want an old fashion type of love. I want the romance. The man to be the one who conquers my heart.  I may want to share my love, my happiness on social media. However, I don't want the love nowadays that everything is based only in sex and materialistic things. I want more than that...

I dont consider myself an easy woman to treat , get to know or love. Hell I am a very complex person. Not always willing to put down my walls. However, I do try to improve myself each day. I am the woman who dreams about building a home with someone who will choose me everyday and put the effort to have a beautiful family together.. Yeah yeah Who knows if that would even happen....yet it doesn't hurt to dream right? Either way I know my priority is to be happy with myself and my life before bringing another person to the equation... For now I know I rather be single than "settle" or hurt someone...I guess I may change my minds when someone great comes along... Time to focus on me till someone shakes/awakens my heart again...

WomenMania

Hace algunos tiempo hice un post parecido sobre los hombres. Ahora le toca a las mujeres. Lo justo es lo justo verdad? Los hombres dicen que estamos "locas" y la verdad es que aveces podemos hacer locuras justificadas o no. Se quejan que no "sabemos" los que queremos y de mas. Pero la verdad es que el hombre actual de la misma forma en muchos casos ...dicen una cosa, hacen otra y quieren dar a entender otra diferente. Por ende ellos y nosotras nos parecemos muchísimo en ciertos aspectos pero somos muy diferente en otros. 

Drama Queen

Esta es la tipica mujer que hace un lío por todo pero TODO. Es aquella que le busca "el pelo al huevo". Si pasa algo malo lo hace ver como si estuviera acabando el mundo. Cada cosa que le digan siempre terminara en una discusión. Es la master en "voltear la tortilla" Es bastante buena con la manipulación así que si piensas subestimarla estarás tomando la decisión mas equivocada y pronto te darás cuenta. En la mayoría de los casos se sale con la suya después de hacer su teatro y aun mas si suelta una que otra lagrima. A pesar de todo no todas las "drama queens" son malas. Alguna simplemente son demasiado inseguras y se tornan en este ser.  Hay que aprender  a comprender a las buenas y con las malas...ve con cuidado

Golddiger

"Alerta Roja" si te chocas con esta mujer. Ella tiene su "target" totalmente claro y hace lo que sea hasta conseguirlo. Es la que literalmente te puede llegar a decir " si no logras estar a mi nivel o nivel "x" Me pierdes porque me merezco " lo mejor" Esta mujer no tiene miedo de pisotear o romper corazones con tal de llegar a la cima. Es una mujer que deja de lado el "amor" por una buena posición social en muchos casos. Su poder de persuasión es máxima si que te puede hacer ver realidades majestuosas siempre y cuando seas utilizable. 

Almost Perfect - The one that can get away if you're not careful

Esta mujer es casi perfecta pero por obvias razones no lo es -nadie es perfecto duh- Ella puede ser tu amiga, tu mujer.  No siempre llegara a tu vida en el momento indicado y por ello tienes que tener cuidado porque  en muchos casos solo llega una vez.  Esta mujer es la que será la primera en apoyarte pero te abrirá los ojos cuando cometas errores.  Llega a ser tu mejor amiga, tu confidente. Es esa persona que te motiva a ser mejor en la vida.  Con la que siempre puedes contar  lo cual termina siendo un arma de doble filo para ella. Muchas veces termina siendo  encasillada en  "la mejor amiga" o en todo caso termina siendo la novia que no valoras y luego ruegas por tener de vuelta pues no encuentra otra mujer que le llegue ni a los talones.  Esta mujer a pesar de ser  un amor de persona también tiene los limites marcados y por ello te hace ver y sentir las cosas desde otro punto. Porque  a pesar que sea un apoyo "incondicional" , ella sabe que si no la tratas con respeto será la primera en irse .  Ella lucha contigo pero no sola.  A ella le dices las cosas directo porque sino tu eres el que termina encasillado en "amigo" o lo peor en un "conocido" mas y listo.  Si te chocas con ella mas vale que te pongas tus  pantalones "de hombre" y la luches  que por lo menos así tendrás el consuelo que lo intentaste y no serás otro mas que sonara con tenerla. No intentes probar juegos tontos con ella  ya que lo que ocasionaras es que construya murallas. Ella es la mejor opción de compañera de vida pues te ayudara a crecer, mientras ella crece y ambos crecen como pareja.

La Incondicional 

Esta mujer es aquella que esta ahí para ti sin importar hora, fecha, lugar. Es aquella que hace hasta lo imposible por hacer feliz a los que le importan aun así sacrificando su propia felicidad e incluso dignidad. En mayoría de los casos esta mujer llega a sobrepasar el limite y llega a terminar siendo la "alfombra" de su circulo - amigos, familia, pareja. En cuanto al amor, esta es la mujer que le deja pasar- perdona todo a su pareja. El chico le puede mentir, pone cuernos y ella lo perdona porque según ella "amar es perdonar" Por eso la mayoría de "players" tendrán esta chica como "víctima" de preferencia. No saben ponerle limites a las personas que les puede emocionalmente. Son fácil de manipular. Siempre estarán en su "no hay tal crisis" Para que abran los ojos tendría que pasar por una catarsis y eso será una batalla larga.

Anti B.S- Independiente al Máximo 

Esta mujer es super -mega archi independiente (bueno hay niveles también) . Es la típica persona que no te va a soportar  chantajes, indirectas, juegos tontos emocionales, berrinches y cosas por el estilo. Es una persona estricta.   Esta mujer no se banca ser una opción mas o  que la tengan como ping pong.  Esta mujer  tiene un target y va directo, no se detiene a mirar  a otros lados. Le gusta tener el terreno claro pero tampoco es que coma las batallas sola.  Prefiere quedarse sola sin amigos, sin amor contar de mantener su paz interior. El saber y darse de verdad cuenta que  alguien la quiere o ama de verdad y estará ahi  la hace perder el control  pero de una forma agradable. Si tu crees que la hayas sentir que "sin ti  no puede vivir" estas muy equivocado. Ella te demostrara que tal vez te quiera o ame pero  que contigo o sin ti ella seguirá  construyendo su imperio. No importa lo que la vida le lance , ella siempre va para adelante  así mire  para atrás una que otra vez. No es fácil lograr que ella se rinda. 

Control freak
Este tipo de mujer es un poco complicado no solo para la gente que esta a su alrededor sea amigos, familia o pareja pero para ella misma. Ella querrá saber siempre que pasa no solo alrededor suyo sino dentro de ella misma. Va a querer manejar sus sentimientos como si fueran pensamientos y todos sabemos que no siempre se puede. Si ella se enamora tratara de no demostrarlo aunque aveces pueda salir cursilerías o celos por los cracks de sus murallas de control. Ella esperara a saber que quiere el chico antes de mover ni un dedo porque así siente que tiene algún tipo de control sobre la situación. En cosas básicas querrá saber la hora y fecha para tener el confort que si se dará. Ella sabe que nada es seguro pero igual el cambio, la incertidumbre la puede llegar a hacer temblar. Estas son las mujeres control tiernas pero frustrante ahora hay otras que ya de verdad se pasan! Existen las que que quieren controlar  a su pareja. Quienes quieren tener poder hasta el punto de moldearlos a su antojo y no quede el recuerdo de quien era antes. RUN RUN si llega a tu vida!!! Son manipuladores al máximo. Ella querrá saber todo  sobre tu circulo, saber cuantas llamadas recibes, mensajes mandas así todo como si fuera interrogatorio. Una macana total!

Playing pretend - Candy

Estas son las mujeres que se jactan de ser cosas que no son. Ella son las mas santas las que nunca de los  nunca fueron infieles, jamas serian candy si son sanas  por Dios horror!  Ella te hará creer que son la mujer perfecta, aquella que sonaste No le falta ni un bullet de tu lista. Tu si TU como tonto vas a caer y dejar el mundo a sus pies sin darte cuenta que no existe mujer perfecta. Muchos chicos han dejado una buena mujer por una candy sin darse cuenta que ella ya se dio cuenta de que pie cojean  y sabrá como  utilizar esa arma cuando mas le convenga. Esta mujer no  tiene reparos en conseguir lo que quiere sea material o una persona. Ahora por otro lado hay Candy y "candy".  Hay chicas que pretender jugar ese juego amargo dulce pero que la verdad su naturaleza puede mas y a las finales termina mas enganchadas  que  pez en anzuelo.  Pero OJO! Nadie dice que una mujer no se puede divertir y conocer chicos. Claro que si! tenemos el derecho de pasarla bien y salir con quien queramos  si estamos solteras pues no le debemos nada a nadie pero no hay que venderse de una forma y actuar de una diferente hay que ser  congruente!. Si quieres tu candy ten presente que el que juega con fuego se quema!

Bueno aqui están unos cuantos de los tipos de mujeres. Es mas que obvio que cada mujer es un mundo diferente y pueden tener características de todos los mencionados o solo uno en particular. Ahora queda en ti descubrir que mujer tienes al lado o que mujer eres jajaja

Honesty Hour

I decided to speak up about something. Yes this involves you. I over protected you and the idea of you for way too long which I think is not fair. So today I will unfold couple of things that have gone down for the past 4 years - breakup & till now- I don't know if this will make you hate me but the main reasons are I need to take it off my chest and I wanna open your eyes and see whats inside my hear, mind and "liver". You are the first one to point out peoples mistakes but it is time for you to be aware of how you can impact people lives and man up. Don't brush it off. Acknowledge it at least this one time and for real.
I have known you for 5 years. We have gone through some stuff. Not everything was bad. I do have good memories and the best thing I must point out is that you have an amazing family. I do think you have a good heart but your ego takes over. Also, some of the people who surround you are not exactly the best ones. To be specific one of your "best friends"( fake one) who you have and on and off friendship.
I know some of the stuff you have gone through (fuck up) that people hurt and betray you way too many times. However, you should not use this to excuse yourself when you fuck up and say " I'm a nice asshole". GROW UP! You know you have stuff to work on then fucking do it. Wont be easy! No one is perfect but we all fight our own demons then do the same! Not because exes cheated on you, you HAVE to cheat on me/person you date now & the next one! No! Thats stupid. You know what it feels to have your heart broken then why would you put someone who truly love you (personal experience) through that shit? I told you that when I found out. You cried and now I doubt they were honest tears because of what I have witnessed during our breakup and even more after. I forgave you then because I though what we had was worth the fight but I didn't know you are not mature enough to understand what means to be faithful and loyal.
Please let me make something clear. I am not saying you are the only one that broke us apart ...I did my part but the beginning of the downfall was that "your mistake" and you taking it like it was nothing. You never acknowledge that it not only broke my heart and trust but broke me as a person... After this I found out my mom was dying and instead of you being supportive, you start building up a walls so I did the same - unconsciously.-  We were supposed to support each other and fight everything together but you were super defensive and I did not have the strength to fight two fights (us &moms) it alone...
During the time you knew my mom was about to die, I started to received messages saying that you were cheating.. who told me your "best-fake friend" plus other people (you know who), I tried to talk to you. Instead of talking, you were so defensive and that made me feel you were guilty because staff you start saying didn't add up. That is why as soon as I came back to the US -back then - I broke up with you even after you hold me hand and said "are you sure? maybe we are making a terrible mistake" it just felt like empty words.  Your friend was right because 2 days after you started dating the chick you are dating now. You cheated on me with her and you have cheated on her with me- who know with how many more you have cheated oh her with. I remember asking so many times whether or not you were dating someone and you always said " no im single ... not ready blablaba " every time time I told you if I found out you would lose me" I don't know if you have hidden it because of that or just because you wanted to keep playing games like you still do now.
You cheating was one of the worst experiences I have gone through because you told and made me believe you did wanted a future for us. However, what was even worst is how you treated me when my mother died. You were so cold and such an asshole. That was really disappointing and made me finish opening my eyes. Even you were surprised on new years eve 15 when I reminded you of what you said... yes I will never EVER forget your words because they cut deep...It was my mother who died! not a broken nail... You have no clue how painful it is and I hope your mother has many more years because she is an incredible woman.
I was always as honest as possible. I was faithful to you from the begging till the end of our relationship which I am proud of. After I found out you were dating someone, it hurt and I locked up every feeling I had for you - that only concerns me not you or anyone else-... For a very long time I avoid to know anything about you but somehow you have always tried to keep in touch and make an appearance in my life...
You trying to talk, blocking , liking pictures , asking to hang out, disappearing and all that stuff are high school games. It is annoying, frustrating, irritating. If you really do not wanna hear form me .. I respect that. If you wanna be pat of my life as you told me once and be friends then man up and be truly my friend. Back in new years eve 15 I told you a lot of things. You said you wanna be truly friends and be there for me because you care. Then fucking show it every time!. Back up what you say with actions and not only when it is convenient! Right now for me you are only an ex. For me a friend is someone who has my back and you don't. Don't try to change me, give me your advice. Respect my opinion and that we may not agree in everything instead of pushing your point of view.  Most important be honest and loyal...So think, question yourself, figure out what you truly feel, make a choice and  stick to it!!!!
I will always care for you because the feelings I once expressed were real - not gonna mention present its no ones business-. Because I still cherish the good memories. Because all the shit you have put me through made me stronger than before and I have learned so much. If you ever need me, you know you count on me. I have showed it through out the years. I know you never ask for my forgiveness - for any of the things I mentioned -and probably you will never do it. However, I forgave you long time ago because I needed to.. I did for me! You have the potential to be a great human being but some stuff really fucks up people and you even if you don't wanna admit it. I wish you get what you deserve nothing less nothing more... Fight your demons...stop cheating, lying and playing stupid games... otherwise you will never know what is like having a clean conscious.... I don't know if what I said will surprise you, hurt you or you already are aware but open your eyes before its too late and you hurt more people, before you hurt yourself even worst...
Always remember someone who truly cares will support you but will tell you when you fuck up too

P.S. This are not words because I'm spiteful nah don't find excuses again - Don't blind yourself... I'm being honest and you  may not have a lot of people like that around you. ... Besides, I know what I bring to the table. I know I am able to give a good love and I deserve it as well. A bad experience will not stop me from loving again... Don't worry I am fine... I don't know whats next.. it is what it is..

Falling falling

Falling in love the most beautiful and horrible thing we all go through at some point in our lives. A lot of us take our time when we do so because we know playing with people/our hearts is the last thing we want. Heartaches are the worst! Therefore, be honest and avoid jumping from relationship to relationship just because you don't know how to be alone.
Personally, I don't fall for someone easily but when I do it , I fall fast and hard!  The "funny thing" is that I will not explore the feeling or confess it unless I see the other person feeling the same way - in some level-
I do not have a type of man. However, what I look in him is to be hardworking, HONEST, funny and romantic. I love when the man conquers your heart and confess his feelings for you - old fashion - I don't ask for much, do I? lol I believe that is kind of the general requirements for a good partner...the rest is putting the work and effort to make things function and find ways to fix whatever that needs to be adjusted. I believe in this instead of just breaking up because you have different points of view or have a few problems.
I still believe that true love conquers it all.. I know I know I may sound naive but thats the way I am. I never said it would be easy ! Hey nothing that it's worth it comes easy. For example, If I found someone worth it, I would do anything in my power to make it work. I would 'fight" any obstacle whether it is distance, people, situations. Yes I said distance. I would have a long distance relationship  only with the right person, making things clear and having a high level of communication. I know it would be terrifying since I had a bad experience in the past but if that person is THAT AMAZING, I would consider it otherwise I will pass without hesitation.
Now, I am not about looking for someone for a "while". I want a partner, companionship ...someone who I can build an empire-home with. For some I may be too young to think this way but it is who I am whether you like it or not. I don't date just because I don't wanna be alone. I date when I am actually interested in someone and see a future with them.
On the other hand, I am also aware of what I bring to the table. Love is not only about "receiving" but about "giving". I am the type of parter who is supportive, loyal and a little over protective - motherly-. I will be the first one to cheer up any dream but also let you know when you are making the wrong decision even though you will be the one with the last word. I want to be not only your partner but your friend.
Believe I will give my all to my love but if I feel he is not on the same path I would be the first one to let him go and be happy on his own. I may make sacrifices when I am inlove but I would never beg someone  to be part of my life.

Invade My Privacy

1. Did you wake up cranky? No

2. Would you date an 18-year-old at you’r current age? Not a chance lol
3. Do you prefer to be friends with girls or boys? Boys... less drama -  I got to admit
4. Would you ever smile at a stranger? yes lol
5. Can you commit to one person? TOTALLY! I've always been faithful in my pass relationships
6. How do you look right now? I'm in my pjs so you can imagine lol
7. What exactly are you wearing right now? pjs
8. How often do you listen to music? Every Day!
9. Do you wear jeans or sweats more? Sweats
10. Do you think you’r life will change dramatically before 2017? Not really
11. Are you a social or  an antisocial person? Both
12. If the person you like say they like someone else, what would you say? Ok
13. Are you good at hiding your feelings? I am awesome doing that thats why you gotta ask or you will never find out what I truly feel
14. Can you drive a stick shift? Not the best lol
15. Do you care if people talk badly about you? Depending who it is
16. Are you going out of town soon? I work in the city so I do lol but gotta take a trip soon too
17. When was the last time you cried? A week or so ago
18. Have you ever liked someone you didnt expect to? Yes  >_< lol
19. If you could change your eyecolor? would you? I wouldn't I can always wear contacts lol
20. Name something you have to do tomorrow? Work =D lol

Bye 2015 ... Hello 2016

Another year ends today. Yet this year had a different taste. It was not what I expected because for the first time I was not expecting anything to happen. That's when everything started to happen. During this year, I keep working on loving and taking care of myself in every aspect. Understanding my emotions and growing as individual and professional.

It was a year made to finish making peace with some situations that happened a while back but still hurt. A year where I let go some friendships because they were toxic for me. I give a honest and valuable friendship and I am not gonna let people take advantage of that. 

This year a couple of people came back in to my life and I am glad they did. Some came back to stay and some just to make peace with particular situations.Confronting situations, truths that hurt will always be difficult. Yet you can only play along for way too long before anyone snaps. 

I value honesty and loyalty more than ever.  There way too many people who are selfish and excuse themselves with anything so they get what they want. I try to be as honest as I can. I feel proud of that because I know I can see anyone directly to the eyes without hesitation.

I learned to forgive. I know I will never forget the things I went through but I will not make people pay for their mistakes forever. As long as you see pure intentions, starting from zero can happen. 

I know what I bring to the table. Don't get me wrong, I know I am not perfect but I also know that I give my best to any relationship I have (friendship-romance). Therefore, I will not hesitate to end a link with someone who takes me for granted no matter if I know him/her for days, weeks, months or years. If they are meant to be part of my life, our path will cross again. Otherwise, radical good bye.

I am proud I am learning to be 100% independent woman as a person and professional. Still a long way to go but I am enjoying the ride. 

2016 Start tonight, a new year full of new challenges and rewards. The big 25 in 3 weeks! Gonna keep "growing up", learning and taking all in. My goal is to be happy and the best person I can be. Who will be next to me? I don't know. For the first time, I have no expectations, no "plans" . I have short tem and long term goal and I will work for them to happen. I derserve to be happy and that is what I am going to do. 

Routine vs Reality

How many of us have use routine to escape from realities? If you say you haven't, I am pretty sure you are lying to yourself.  Routine helps us play it safe whether it is about your career or personal life. Routines are easy to follow and that is why is so easy to fall into them without even realize it.

Jumping off that routine, taking the risk to follow a new love/ new old love, new job, new dream is hard but sometimes worth it when doing it for the right reasons. So many people stay in a unhealthy relationships for different reasons plus it is always easier than start from scratch. Unhealthy relationship can vary from relationship to relationship. It is not only related to violence. If you don't know how to identify one I leave you a couple of examples if bad "routines"

• If you are with someone you dint love but act like you do just because you don't want to be alone.
• You keep cheating on your partner
• You keep bringing your partner down or vice-versa
• You know you are in love with someone else but do not want to admit it to yourself or your partner
• If you jump from one relationship to another in matter of hours or days, that a very toxic cycle.
• Toxic friendships. You keep those friend who stab you in the back way to many times that you lost count. They would talk extremely poor about you to strangers and even your love ones.
• That crappy job. They will take advantage of you but you are there because you need it or you are afraid. 

No one says that open up your eyes will be easy. It never is! But it is important for you to see that you deserve to be happy in the right way ( not stepping on people or playing games). If you don't try to pursuit you happiness, NO ONE will do it for you. So get out of that "stupid comfort zone"... confess your love, confess your dream and follow it with your heart and head in the right place.  Break up with that nasty and toxic relationship that you have and ask your love to be only yours. Get the new job that you want! ( get it before quitting lol we all pay bills ). Get that new hair cut you so want but everyone is against lol

If you are truly happy, everyone will notice!  Stop denying to yourself the chance to feel true love, true passion, true happiness because you want to do what is "correct-right". You will do the right thing by being honest, truly honest to YOU and the ones around- next to you

Fears, Insecurities and A Little More

Fear, That Four Letter Word That We All Run From Or Even Judge. People Can Judge You Based On Your Fears And Insecurities.  Lately I Have Been Thinking That Fears And Insecurities Are The One Or At Least Have So Many Things In Common.  Many Of Our Insecurities Are Based Of The Fear Of Not Being Good Enough For The Ones We Love The Most ( Including Ourselves Of Course). 
Most of the time fears and insecurities have a negative connotation. I certainly don't believe they are negative. Let me explain, anything in big amounts or that damage you anyone you love is negative. Fears and insecurities can be seen as little "flags"  to keep our feet on the ground. Fear can keep us away from dangerous situations that can harm us physically, emotionally or psychologically. They will make us think twice before acting and doing it. That is good. The bad part of fears is that if we are not careful when analyzing them, we can let them stop us from living. There is were you need to find your balance and differentiate which is the case. On the other side, insecurities are the flags that let you know that there may be things you can improve and work on. No one is perfect; therefore, there is always something to work on just don't use this to destroy yourself and self confidence. 

Always be aware to that little voice that may warn you about what can happen. If you know it is irrational, fight it! You are the only one who will stop you from being happy. People can get on the way. Yet what is meant for you, will be yours sooner or later. Just have faith and be positive. Always give your 200% :) Finally make it happen! If you want that loe to be your, make it happen. Want that job, show you are worth of the opportunity. You got this. Just do it!