Honesty Hour

I decided to speak up about something. Yes this involves you. I over protected you and the idea of you for way too long which I think is not fair. So today I will unfold couple of things that have gone down for the past 4 years - breakup & till now- I don't know if this will make you hate me but the main reasons are I need to take it off my chest and I wanna open your eyes and see whats inside my hear, mind and "liver". You are the first one to point out peoples mistakes but it is time for you to be aware of how you can impact people lives and man up. Don't brush it off. Acknowledge it at least this one time and for real.
I have known you for 5 years. We have gone through some stuff. Not everything was bad. I do have good memories and the best thing I must point out is that you have an amazing family. I do think you have a good heart but your ego takes over. Also, some of the people who surround you are not exactly the best ones. To be specific one of your "best friends"( fake one) who you have and on and off friendship.
I know some of the stuff you have gone through (fuck up) that people hurt and betray you way too many times. However, you should not use this to excuse yourself when you fuck up and say " I'm a nice asshole". GROW UP! You know you have stuff to work on then fucking do it. Wont be easy! No one is perfect but we all fight our own demons then do the same! Not because exes cheated on you, you HAVE to cheat on me/person you date now & the next one! No! Thats stupid. You know what it feels to have your heart broken then why would you put someone who truly love you (personal experience) through that shit? I told you that when I found out. You cried and now I doubt they were honest tears because of what I have witnessed during our breakup and even more after. I forgave you then because I though what we had was worth the fight but I didn't know you are not mature enough to understand what means to be faithful and loyal.
Please let me make something clear. I am not saying you are the only one that broke us apart ...I did my part but the beginning of the downfall was that "your mistake" and you taking it like it was nothing. You never acknowledge that it not only broke my heart and trust but broke me as a person... After this I found out my mom was dying and instead of you being supportive, you start building up a walls so I did the same - unconsciously.-  We were supposed to support each other and fight everything together but you were super defensive and I did not have the strength to fight two fights (us &moms) it alone...
During the time you knew my mom was about to die, I started to received messages saying that you were cheating.. who told me your "best-fake friend" plus other people (you know who), I tried to talk to you. Instead of talking, you were so defensive and that made me feel you were guilty because staff you start saying didn't add up. That is why as soon as I came back to the US -back then - I broke up with you even after you hold me hand and said "are you sure? maybe we are making a terrible mistake" it just felt like empty words.  Your friend was right because 2 days after you started dating the chick you are dating now. You cheated on me with her and you have cheated on her with me- who know with how many more you have cheated oh her with. I remember asking so many times whether or not you were dating someone and you always said " no im single ... not ready blablaba " every time time I told you if I found out you would lose me" I don't know if you have hidden it because of that or just because you wanted to keep playing games like you still do now.
You cheating was one of the worst experiences I have gone through because you told and made me believe you did wanted a future for us. However, what was even worst is how you treated me when my mother died. You were so cold and such an asshole. That was really disappointing and made me finish opening my eyes. Even you were surprised on new years eve 15 when I reminded you of what you said... yes I will never EVER forget your words because they cut deep...It was my mother who died! not a broken nail... You have no clue how painful it is and I hope your mother has many more years because she is an incredible woman.
I was always as honest as possible. I was faithful to you from the begging till the end of our relationship which I am proud of. After I found out you were dating someone, it hurt and I locked up every feeling I had for you - that only concerns me not you or anyone else-... For a very long time I avoid to know anything about you but somehow you have always tried to keep in touch and make an appearance in my life...
You trying to talk, blocking , liking pictures , asking to hang out, disappearing and all that stuff are high school games. It is annoying, frustrating, irritating. If you really do not wanna hear form me .. I respect that. If you wanna be pat of my life as you told me once and be friends then man up and be truly my friend. Back in new years eve 15 I told you a lot of things. You said you wanna be truly friends and be there for me because you care. Then fucking show it every time!. Back up what you say with actions and not only when it is convenient! Right now for me you are only an ex. For me a friend is someone who has my back and you don't. Don't try to change me, give me your advice. Respect my opinion and that we may not agree in everything instead of pushing your point of view.  Most important be honest and loyal...So think, question yourself, figure out what you truly feel, make a choice and  stick to it!!!!
I will always care for you because the feelings I once expressed were real - not gonna mention present its no ones business-. Because I still cherish the good memories. Because all the shit you have put me through made me stronger than before and I have learned so much. If you ever need me, you know you count on me. I have showed it through out the years. I know you never ask for my forgiveness - for any of the things I mentioned -and probably you will never do it. However, I forgave you long time ago because I needed to.. I did for me! You have the potential to be a great human being but some stuff really fucks up people and you even if you don't wanna admit it. I wish you get what you deserve nothing less nothing more... Fight your demons...stop cheating, lying and playing stupid games... otherwise you will never know what is like having a clean conscious.... I don't know if what I said will surprise you, hurt you or you already are aware but open your eyes before its too late and you hurt more people, before you hurt yourself even worst...
Always remember someone who truly cares will support you but will tell you when you fuck up too

P.S. This are not words because I'm spiteful nah don't find excuses again - Don't blind yourself... I'm being honest and you  may not have a lot of people like that around you. ... Besides, I know what I bring to the table. I know I am able to give a good love and I deserve it as well. A bad experience will not stop me from loving again... Don't worry I am fine... I don't know whats next.. it is what it is..