One More Time...

In this proud land, we grow up strong since the beginning we lack everything. We were taught how to fight, how to win. Never thought I could fail. I never abandoned a fight or at least I believe so. I am strong woman who abandoned all her dreams. I have changed my face, my name but no one loves you when you lose.  Don’t give up because you have friends. Don’t give up because there is a place where we belong. Let your head rests, don’t worry too much. Everything will be all right. When tough times come, you will count on me. Don’t give up, please!

There are many absurdities in the world, but the there is one in particular. Do you know which one is it? That you and I loving each other as we love, we are separated. Some people talk about keep on going or not. Talk about not giving up. Yet, that is not easy for me. I don’t have that strength. In reality I don’t expect much or too little…just don’t expect. How everything changes right? Because before I wanted something for life and now I’ll settle for one more time.

Give me just a moment to tell you what I feel. I’ve lost so much time without your love.  Give me a moment to try to understand the studs of your love.  One more time to cry what we lost, to understand why we did it. One more time for the kisses we didn’t give. One more time, come back with me.  

Ghosty Ex(es)

So this post in based on my personal experiences and experiences from different close friends of mine. Thanks to Nataly J., Alejandra R. (my besties), JC and in some level to AJ for sharing your experiences and helping out to make this happen lol..

Who hasn't been in-love? We all know that the beginning of any relationship is amazing BUT not all relationships work out unfortunately. Yet, they will leave you good lessons and funny stories to tell about the "classes-types" of ex(s) there are ... Here we go with some..1,2,3.GO!

Ex-Karma
This is the ex that will leave a print in your soul like no other whether it is a good one or not so much.  He/she will come back into your life unexpected particularly if she/he found out you're dating someone new. In some level it will be like a little ghost inside your head when you start something new.

The player - Cheater:
This person does not have a clue what it means to be FAITHFUL. He/she is with you but will make out or have sex with any other person (new-ex-"friend"-buddy). He/she says "I love you and it won't happen again" but it definitely will happen infinity times. When you guys finally break up after admitting how bad of girlfriend/boyfriend she/he is, that person will even cry to persuade you to take them back.

Too good to be true
Perfect relationship but it had to end not because of  either of you but different circumstances that made you take different paths. You will always be friends and care for each other no matter who you are with or how long its been. Its memory will make you believe in true love

Mr Limbo
He/she  is the one you like the most YET this person will not make a decision about make it exclusive. When the end is about to come, he/she will say the right things without drawing any line. Very egocentric even though he/she will deny it till the end. Even though he/she had almost everything you were looking for, like a good single lady/gentleman that respect themselves you say "bye bye" YET he/she will come back now and then to make sure if you are over it or not.

El boomerang
No matter what that person will never get over you even if they are dating someone new, engaged or even married. The relationship was so good that it left a mark in his/her life. That person always tells you how much they still care and loge you. You will always count on them. He/she will come back into your life from time to time but with goo vibes.

Almost the one
 That person has everything you look for even though its not perfect YET you are the problem yes you! admit it! XD lol jk. That person does everything sh/he can to make it work but youuuuuuuu savage it. The relationship was going pretty good till some ghost from the past ( ex karma) makes you second guess some situation and be suspicious. In case the relationship ended, you really want a second chance because you know that person is someone you definitely don't want to lose and you will improve yourself for yourself and that amazing feeling.

The Psycho
That ex that will haunt you no matter what you do. That person will always try to contact you no matter how many times you ask to stop it. He/she will even haunt you new parent just because he/she want you both to break up as badly as possible creating whatever it is necessary for it to happen ASAP. This ex go crazy if he/she realizes "you are in a relationship". It is obsession not love!!!!

The Possessive one-The Owner
Whether or not you guys are together , you will always be his no matter if you agree to this statement or NOT! He/She will always be flirty and it is impossible to have a legit friendly combo with this person. no matter how hard you tried to just be friends.Therefore, when you have someone you love ( old or new), you decide best is to make that person EXIT your life permanently.

Start Again [ R.E.D]

And I remember everything, Everything I loved, I gave it away like it wasn't enough All the words I said and all you forgive How could I hurt you again?

What if I let you in? What if I make it right it? What if I give it up? What if I want to try? What if you take a chance? What if I learn to love? What if, what if we start again?

All this time I can make it right With one more try Can we start again? In my eyes, You can see it now, Can we start again?

Emptiness inside me, wonder if you see it's my mistake and it's hurting me I known where we've been How did we get so far? What if, what if we start again?

I'm lost inside the pain I feel without you, I can't stop holding on, I need you with me!!! I'm trapped inside the pain Can we never love again? I'm lost without you!!!

One more try, Can we start again? In my eyes, can you forgive me now? Can we start again (one more try?)

Let Me Cry

You should cry all the pain, cry all the sadness, cry the tragedies, and cry everything.  Cry all the pain; take it out because it takes the place of your happiness, of love. When you cry, you not only cry the pain but also the hate, the resentment, the frustration…you empty everything.  When you cry, you water and maybe something may flourish. Each tear brings a lesson. Every tear is a part of you that dies. Every tear is a part of you that want to be reborn.

After you cry it all, all the sadness, the loneliness; you will understand that things are just the way they are and not because of that it means its bad.

Things are the way they are…beautiful, hard, unexplained, complicated. There is everything in life…obstacles, happiness, troubles…cry a lot but then laugh because that what hope does. Cry everything you hope for but smile knowing what may come.

Later than Expected

You should know how to wait for good things. When what you want takes time for it to happen, the desire builds up and your heart prepares itself to live what you been waiting for … There are so many things that happen after what you expect and that brings anxiety and frustration… When you least expect it, life surprises you with the things you enjoy the best. When you know what it’s coming is good, waiting is not an agony but a “party”…To know how to wait is to know how to desire. The desire becomes stronger when you take the time to desire because you can feel it. Will be today, tomorrow, in some time, later maybe even later than expected? The best moments in life are like awakenings and, fill of surprises, beauty, magic, sweetness, and complicity. The greatest moments in life are fill of accelerated hearts fill with interruptions within. The important moments are full of tickles, sweaty hands and illusions. The greatest moments in life usually happens later than expected...

Lessosns Learned by C.U

There's some things that I regret Some words I wish had gone unsaid Some starts that had some better endings Been some bad times I've been through Damage I cannot undoSome things, I wish I could do all all over again But it don't really matter, life gets that much harder It makes you that much stronger Some pages turned, some bridges burned But there were lessons learned Every tear that had to fall from my eyes

Everyday I wonder how I get through the night Every change, life has thrown me I'm thankful, for every break in my heart, I'm grateful, for every time Some pages turned, some bridges burned
But there were lessons learned

There's mistakes that I have made Some chances I just threw away Some roads, I never should've taken Been some signs I shouldn't see Hearts that I hurt needlessly Some roads that I wish I could have one more chance to make But it don't make no difference The past can't be rewritten, you get the life you're given

All the things that break you, all the things that make you strong
You can't change the past, 'cause it's gone And nothing's gotta go, because they are gone
Lessons learned

Figther Vs Quitter

Tonight is one of those nights were everything I have lived so far has come back to haunt me. I have mix feelings about everything. A little war between my heart and brain, my logic and emotions. I feel so guilty by hurting the people I love the most specially my mom and Mr A-2 plus other people... I am sure they know it was never my intention. Sometimes it looks that its the one of the many things I bring to the table, "pain". I still feel so guilty by not being the one next to my mothers during her last moments, but I am sure she understand the bigger picture now that she can see everything....
I feel I savage my own happiness but when I actually try to fix it, things do not change. Then, why keep trying? why giving my all ? I know I do it because that's me and I want to but there will always be that little voice saying " is there any point by doing it? just give up!"Even though sometimes I doubt if I deserve to be happy[ in all aspects], I am completely sure I do...People say God gives the toughest tests to the people who have the most magic destiny, I wonder which one is mine...
I know I am a very strong woman. I have been through so much these past years and handle it in way I didn't expect at all. I am a professional and have a bright future but still I am a human being who can break from time to time even though some people forget about that. Even though I keep on going, it doesn't mean it doesn't hurt me. I love to be the "shelter" for my family, friends, relatives, the people I love. Yet, sometimes I would like them to see I am fragile too. Not to be so tough on me when I actually break down or get emotional but just hug me and try to understand what I might be feeling. People just don't get it and they wont.I can take that from certain people [NOT ALL so dont take me for granted -_- ]...

This December will be like no other. I would have to "women up" and take drastic decisions about my life. My moms passing will definitely something I have to start digesting and processing in many different ways as well as how I want my life to be in my near future. I know I will keep following my heart and pursuing my happiness. Some people would realize the way I change and what it means when it might be too late but it will not be on me because I have done my part already. I will keep being a fighter even though I will give up some stuff... I will know if it was the best decision in due time. Still destiny will always bring to my life what its meant to be whether it is in hours, days, weeks, months or even years [know it by experience].
Time to wait and see what the last weeks of this year have for me....

What we left unsaid, where does it go?...

Do you know where do words unsaid go? What you want to do but don’t, where does it go? Where does what you want to say but don’t go? Where does what you don’t let yourself feel go? We would like that what we didn’t say would be forgotten but it just bottle up inside us. It fills our souls with silent screams.

What we left unspoken is transformed into insomnia, sore throat nostalgia, wrong timing.  What we left unspoken end up being a debt, an unfinished story. What we left unsaid will become dissatisfaction, sadness, and frustration. What we left unspoken will not die but will “kill us”. What they do not say is transformed into trauma, a poison that kills the soul. What we don’t say will lock you in the past. What we don’t say becomes an open wound.

L.O.V.E

After two of the people closest to me (Nataly [bff] & Francisco [bro]) pushing me to talk about love, i finally wrote this lol Amazing feeling that can bring many smiles or many tears depending on your individual experience(s) but for sure it leaves you memories and lessons you will never forget. I am 22 [ yet feeling like 30 lol ] and have not had many experiences when it comes to it. However, I rather have quality experiences than quantity. This does not mean every experience was amazing. Hey, I had a couple for heartbreaks as well. I gotta say it frustrates me that for some people it is easy to use the word "LOVE" when they want to express their feeling without even realizing whether it is love or not. So maybe I should start by giving my personal definition about love.

L.O.V.E, the feeling we all go after yet some have and take for granted; and others live loving the one they cant have for whatever reason.  It is so simple but complicated at the same time. There are "formulas" for it yet not all of them workout. Love is having deep feelings for that special one not only physically- attraction or lust-but also actually like, love and accept the whole person. Even though when you are in love, you want to be with the one you love no matter what, you will not be selfish. Love is caring about that person and want the best for them even if it means to walk away and let them go. However, you will give everything in your power to make it work before "giving up" will be an option to consider. True love will never die even if the relationship ends. Yet it will be transformed in a special appreciation for that person and what you both lived together.
So far I've been in love twice in my life. Funny story both people share the same first name initial haha thats why I will call them Mr. A-1 and Mr. A-2 :) for privacy reasons plus they already know the stories lol...Let's Start 1,2,3,go!
Innocent love with Mr.A-1 I was in my senior year back in H.S. With only 16 years old I had my first true love. It was pretty innocent and amazing. He was/is a very amazing guy. Hey! thats why I ended up loving him even though he had to work for it because I was an stubborn lady. We were together for a year and the relationship was one of the best one I've had. We went through so much together but always together and trying to support each other in every way possible. The only reason why it ended was because I decided to move here (US). I don't know if it would have lasted longer or not or we could have gotten married ( joke) We are still friends and we will be there for each other during the darkest moments even after each one of us has followed the path we did. I will always care for him and his happiness. I am glad he is happy. I am sure his son will always be proud of him because he is working so hard to give him the best in the world.
Wake up love with Mr. A-2 So after 5 years, dated couple other guys and some heartbreaks; I met this guy. Gotta say every single guy I have ever dated is different from each other but this one was definitely DIFFERENT in many ways ( good ones though). I believe opposite poles attract each other because they will complement each other [at least in this case]. We were friends for about 6 months before we started dating. He broke some walls I had built up to protect myself which scare every single bone in my body and this is why I call this love story "wake up love" . It was the first time I have ever discussed about a future with someone and actually picture it and all. He has helped me to see things I didn't before and been there for me as much as he can. He means the world to me and whatever happens in our lives will never destruct this feeling. I will always be there for him to support him in everything I can. Hopefully the role I will have in his life is the same that I want but If not, I am sure he will be happy because he deserves it.
After the drastic changes I have gone through lately, I feel I have been blessed with the people I was/ have been in love, the ones who are closed to me ( friends & relatives) and everything I have. I am definitely a very strong person who will follow her heart and pursuit her happiness in every aspect of my life (personal, professional and family). I hope one of my many dreams ( having my own family and children) will happen soon enough and also get far in life [career whise] because I want the people I love to be proud of me. Now I have two beautiful angels in heaven who will definitely guide my path.

Warrior [ Part I ]

This is a story that I've never told I gotta get this off my chest to let it go

All the pain and the truth I wear like a battle wound So ashamed so confused, I was broken and bruised

Now I'm a warrior Now I've got thicker skin  I'm stronger than ive ever been And my armor, is made of steel,you can never hurt me again

Out of the ashes,I'm burning like a fire
 I've got shame, I've got scars That I'll never show I'm a survivor In more ways than you know

  I'm not broken, or bruised

There's a part of me I can't get back A little girl grew up too fast All it took was once, I'll never be the same Now I'm taking back my life today ...

Dear you... ( a letter for anyone who left my life friendships/love/relatives)

Dear you,

I am pretty sure this won't surprise you because If you know me at least a little bit, you know I express my feelings better in writing than speaking. 

You and I have fallen apart. The relationship/link we had till now is almost ruin completely if it is not already. It happened not only for any problem we had but also for circumstances from the outside that we let to get inside. You know how much you can mean to me or not and whether or not there is-was-will be love. You have made me believe that the love required in any relationship is not there anymore or at least it was not enough to make and fix whatever went down. Therefore, I am giving up. I don't give up on you because I don't care but because you don't or at least that's what it seems.
I deserve to be surround by people who truly love me and show it through actions specially when the darkest moments come. I am tired of giving my all and not receiving anything in return not even a sign that whatever I do is appreciated. You know I am a good person but everyone has a limit and after so long you reach mine. We can believe it was time for it to end, it wasn't mean to be in each other lives or in the near future things will not only get back to the way they were but be even better. Yet how you and everyone says " time will tell". You know how much I dislike that phrase but I respect and accept it.

You need to learn how to put yourself in the others' shoes . To not only expect things from people but also do the same things you expect. Take the blame for your mistakes and not only blame the other person.Say things you mean and back them up through actions. Be there not only when you want to and things are good; but most important when everything turns upside down and is dark and fearful. Stop justifying your mistakes saying " nobody is perfect." Even though you are right about not being perfect, you need to think before you act. Patience is something you need to work on. Stop underestimating me, you know just a piece of my history and even though I do worry a lot or get stressed easily; I am stronger than you think and can handle everything that have been / can happen in my life. You need to not only dream about your future but also work on it and surround yourself with people who truly love and care for you. There are few people who are part of your life but are as fake as they can be. You are aware of it still you have decided to keep them close to you. End cycles that are massively destructive for you because you hurt your present and kill your future even though you might deny it to yourself and justify it to you and everyone.
I wanted to be part of your life and be there to support you during the good and bad moments.Yet now I have a new role or my role has been destructed. I already have said everything you needed to know but here I am writing this to take it out of my chest .I forgive you and forgive myself for anything that happened.
 Sincerely,
                 Me
P.D
Don't you ever say I just walked away....Anything you wanna say do it you already know how to contact me (if you have the courage to do it in person then it will be the best way but I am sure you wont )...