Last year was full of challenges. Challenges that made me confront me, everyone and everything to the max. One thing after another brought me to the "fire line"where and when you decide what you want to do with everything that is happening at that right moment. I lost the most important people for me at that moment... some physically, some emotionally, some both. It is extremely hard to know that the person(s), the image you had of them, vanish in front of your eyes. Letting go and understanding situations are extremely hard. You can be rational about situations, see and acknowledge how things went down but the heart don't always follow at least not right away.Betrayal and death are two main things that can break you down and put you on your knees. Both cases can be literal or not so much... it comes in many ways and forms ( friendships- romantic relationships). The image you have of someone can die very easily when that person decides to act "like God" and pretend that there will be no consequences and everything will be justified. It is a break it or make it I guess. The betrayal, death or anything like that will be step 1... whats next..what you do with what happens is as important... ( both are by the way)...
During the first part of 2014, I pushed myself to feel everything EVERYTHING from pain to range , from love to nearly hate. I needed to open every single wound, clean it and heal it properly. Some people say that when something hurts you or you hate someone its because you love them but... is that true? I mean that could be the door for that feeling because of the level of love and importance you have giving that person / situation but the actual feeling ( anger, hate) is independent from love?Those feeling just cross road with love but they don't co exist.
There was that moment of anger for numerous things that has happened in my life.. things that make you question everything, life , even yourself. I know improvement, moving on and forward from any negative experience takes time... but at the same time I am a big believer that you may have to push yourself from time to time because if you don't make the first move, no one else will make it for you.
After that period, I was wide awake about everything I understood why, when, how and what happen. P.D I understood which is not the same than justify! I am human and still question some- certain points and situations but I decided to do something with it. I realize that yeah nothing will stop me from keep on going even when I am broken and down to my knees. Yet, I am fragile enough to admit what I have felt and I do not feel bad being vulnerable.
I met someone in particular that made me question things. That person doesn't even know it probably lol Yet the indirect influence quick me hard and deep. I start questioning what I really want for myself in every aspect and what I am actually doing to make it happen. It is easy to blame the past, people, situations about what may have been happening in your past/present but what are you actually doing to stop those cycles? I don't minimize the impact of situations or people in the past whether it is for better or for worst but if you don't like what has been happening, change the recipe... plain and simple right?
Forgiveness is the most important step to keep moving forward. Yet damn, it is H. A. R. D! I've realize we all excuse people but don't forgive even if we say it... well not right away. The word forgiveness is very big, complex and involves many many things than just saying it and act like everything will be OK. Personally , forgiving involves trying to understand and listen the other person even when their actions do not "deserve it." Forgiving means yeah I remember what happen but I wont let it affect the present and most important the future. It means learning yourself and the other person(s) involved and NOT MAKING THE SAME MISTAKES or at least avoid it at all cost. It takes time and effort to do so. I am still in the process to forgive three people in my life. Those people broke my heart in different ways and are not related whatsoever. Forgiving yourself and/or someone will be one of the toughest lessons I have learned this year and you will learn in life.
I know people are far from perfect including me but what counts are their intentions.. do they really stop and acknowledge the consequences or they were playing god and "this is not big deal if everyone does it right" That thin line make a HUGE difference. For example I know I have hurt people when I have pushed them away but it was never my intention. My intention was to avoid them worries that were mine. I kept my problems, feelings and more.. and kept them to myself....I have not been that expressive not because I don't feel but because I was afraid of the intensity of the feelings ( friendship and romantically- depends on the case). Another thing is betraying/cheating a friend or partner just because they "won't find out" or just to feed your ego. See the difference?
I am not a big fan of change even though that is a constant in my life and life in general. I am trying to be more open with myself, people I care about, and everyone who actually wanna be part of my life. Trusting people is not the easiest thing for me to do but as someone says " I give the benefit of the doubt till they prove me wrong or right and I can trust a little bit more/less as time pass by" I will always give new chances to the ones who actually admit, acknowledge and learned from their mistakes. It is important to admit to yourself and people that yes you made a mistake or maybe many but most important is to actually learn form it and improve... fight your own demons to not walk on that path again and make the ones you love suffer. If you struggle, ask for help.I will keep taking the steps I need to be happy with myself and everything that surrounds me in every aspect. Getting to know myself and giving people a chance to get to know them and for them to get to know me. Trying to express my feelings a little bit more every time so later on I don't have that regret. I will keep my moms memory with me as much as I can and always make her participate in every important event in my life.
Another important lesson this yeah is about chances. When to give a chance to someone whether it is the first, second or n' time. I believe in second chances but under certain requirements. When you give a first chance to someone -whether it is a friendship or romance-, you are giving the benefit of the doubt. You are getting to know that person and the other way around as well. Now if that person hurts you or you hurt them that's when you both have to stop and think about everything. What you want in that relationship/friendship? is it worth it? How did it hurt you and why? Does that person is sincere with the apology? Can you forgive what happen and keep on going? There are many many things that you have to consider before you put your heart out there once again. One thing is make a mistake and another is to play "god" and knowing what you're gonna do is wrong; but you still do it because "consequences don't apply to you or because "everyone" does then why not doing it right?". -.- If you want a another shot as a friend or partner, be woman/man enough to admit what you did wrong before pointing the finger at anyone. Express your feelings and situations so the other person can understand but do not justify something that has no justification. Be aware that if you want that forgiveness and chance is because you are committed to avoid making the same mistake(s) if not whats the point? I rarely give many chances to people but after some situations and talking to older people I realized that I will give the chances to the people who have pure intentions. Before giving another shot to a friendship or relationship, you have to deal with the past. Making peace with the past will help you to forgive each other and truly have a new beginning. Putting the cards on the table is very important.!!!Set boundaries and limits . what will be permitted, what you can handle and what is a deal breaker. Let the other person know so they/ you cannot use the " I didn't know" card. Forgiveness is a process, one day at the time doing the right things.
A mistake most of us make is to expect people to do what we would do for them. People will not react the same way whatsoever. We are unique human beings for better or worst. We do and have gestures with people because we want to... now if you do it thinking about what the other person will do for you .. my friend you are selfish and other adjectives may apply. Now using common sense there will be things that are "required" to happen I mean it is a matter of being polite, having respect and morals. General consideration to people and even more if it someone you "care and/or love" is the least everyone ask for.Faithfulness, loyalty, support, honesty, trust are based requirement for any type of relationship. No one will be happy if they find out their boyfriend/best friend/ husband/ finance/girlfriend has betray them. It takes only one time, one betrayal to break someone heart in every way possible. Thing before you act!!!!!!!!! If you wouldn't like someone doing "that" to you , then why are you gonna do it?
Communication! this topic gives me headaches lol I am a very sensitive person. When I care and love someone, it is with all my heart. Yet I am not the most expressive person in this planet. This is because of my own personal experiences growing up that have shaped me into a very private an reserved person about my deepest feelings. I don't mind sharing ( face to face , social media etc) normal, random, daily basis type of things. Yet if we talk about things that actually touch my heart and bring me to "my knees" I need some time to spell the beans. It is something I've been working out with help ( in the beginning) and since this year alone. It is a process. When I feel secure enough, I say it. Don't mistake it.. I say what I feel and how it is hun I don't hold back when it comes to general and important stuff. Now personally I think communication is basic in friendships and romance. You wanna feel free to tell how you feel. If you have a partner, share what you doing in a daily basis ... no like a control freak .. but it is a simple and important way to let the other person knows you care and share your "life" with them. So if someone wanna use anything to ruin you friendship or romance , they don't stand a chance. Work like the team you wanna be!
Finally one of the last lessons that keep "appearing" in every moment is There is a difference between giving time for something to develop and happened and letting time the pass by. When you have feeling for someone, have an specific goal or want to do something, it is ok to wait and do what you need to do when you feel the time is right. Maybe won't happen right away but will eventually if it meant to be. We all as human beings are not the most patient creatures. Personally I like to know where I stand as soon as possible. However, I understand that not everyone has the same timing and ways that I am/have. I am horrible with hints you gotta tell me directly and respectfully. Now giving time is one thing, letting pass by is another, and wait forever another -.- !!!!!!! Wait the time you think is right for you and depending on the situation you are in. If it doesn't happen think whether or not it is worth waiting . This doesn't mean you don't care about the person or goal but it may mean that is not the right time or not mean to be. You gotta take the risk and move to new horizons because you cannot stop living or taking others decision based on waiting for that person or that thing to happen. Now if an opportunity appears were you can be with that person or can fulfill your goal, you take the decision at that right moment. People mistake thinking someone or something will be there forever and thats not the case. Take your time to make up your mind but be wise with the time you use.. Time is money lol Take a chance,take a risk.. who knows where that can take you! if not don't hate when you lost it.
I say good bye to a year full of pain and joy, laughs and tears but most important a year that has help me to know myself better and work on things I need to improve. Another year full of challenges begins .... excited and anxious of the lessons I will have been learning ..Here I go....
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