My Person

 It has taken me over 3 months to be able to write this out. Talking about it is not easy. This has been one of the most beautiful yet challenging experiences of my life. 

People say that when you know you know and I believe it is true. I knew it even on our first day at Red Cadillac. He has been the only one that did not give me any anxiety. Instead he made me feel safe 90% the time. No relationship is perfect. For him , I tried to always seek for solutions and giving my best even it was not enough at times. He is my person. My best friend . Someone I could have a serious or silly conversation. Someone I could be myself even though at the end a situation tricked us. The perfect chef! 

Our relationship was perfectly imperfect. It had up, downs and in betweens. That is just life. We went through a few dark moments but we came out of them together. Some other memories so beautiful I can only wish to relive them again and again.  Funny moments, long walks, conversations at 2 or 3am about life and what we were going to do or even eating pasta at 4am lol. Plans and dreams. Laughing together and acting silly. The simplest things were the ones I cherish the most. Living a pandemic together and instead of arguing, it got us closer. It was amazing to be team and spend so much time together. Those months were like I was living on cloud 9. 

I have learned so much through him and with him. I wish he could see and feel the way I feel and see him. I have seen him at his darkest moments, even then I was able to see how worthy he is. Even at his darkest moment; he care and love me, maybe not perfectly but he tried and did. His tries I cherish and appreciate it until my last breath. So many moments. I keep in my heart.  I hope he realizes his potential. I hope he gets to believe in himself as much as I believe in him. No matter how many people reminds him his past trying to belittle him, he is passed that. He is going through a rebirth and his come back will be stronger than ever. He taught me accountability, strength, loyalty, vulnerably, and more. 

It is hard not to shed tears remembering him and what we have lived so far. God only knows how I feel, miss and love him. There is so much left unsaid but God's time is perfectly. I know he has a plan for all this. That is why when someone from his inner circle said " she felt bad about me wasting time on him" got me incredibly upset but I tried to control myself. I will never regret it. I would do it all over again. HE is worth it. He is my love whether him or anyone else believes it. It may sound naive but it is how I feel. If I could I would put him in a bubble so no-one will hurt him ever, I can't .. I know! lol All I can do is respect him. Support him. Love him wherever he is. He tried to scared me away but leaving was never an option for me. I was going to stand by him through it all. It was my choice and I stand by it. He is the only one I have ever seen myself ending up with. I can only talk about MY feelings. Now everything is on God and his hands.. the ball is on his court. 

I pray for him every day since I fall for him. For his health, future and all. The time I see him again , I will not be able to control myself lol Let's just leave it at that.  He is my heart. I know that if I wanna be there for him. I have to be there for myself. My healing processes started back in January.  I always knew that i I love someone and want to support them , I have to be okay first.  My love ones are worth of the best version of me that why I keep learning a growing each day. I know I will be okay no matter what it is next, but my heart know what it wants, what requires and what it is willing to give...

Let's God play it cards. I am ready...

Just a Letter...

Love, love love...One small word, 4 letters but it makes you jump front and backwards. Love is so easy and complicated. Yet most of us still keep "looking" and hoping we can have that love story that will have no end. Today, at 30 years old, I can say my sense of love has been shaped and may not be the exact same from when I was younger.. I know ! It is just common sense since we are growing, adapting and hopefully maturing as we go through life. 

At this point in my life, I know what I want & do not want; what I will put up with and what will make me run faster than you can think of. All this has been through heartaches and people's experiences. I have learned that before asking and thinking what " I want from someone", I have to be sure I can also give that to the person I pick as partner.  I would like to date someone hardworking, faithful, respectful, family orientated honest, fun, romantic. Someone who is proud to have me as a partner and would show me off here and there. Someone who is willing to be a team and build a future together instead of run when there is an obstacle. I believe that is not too much since those qualities are just of a decent human being! Now, don't get me wrong, All I want in a person is what I bring to the table... 

I recently went through the roughest heartbreak. No, the end was not dramatic or nasty at all.  It was a notification not a conversation. Even tough I was not agreeing with his decision; I respected it. It has been rough because I believe he is "my one". God it hurts in such a different ways than any breakup before. He has been the only one I ever wanted to have a family with and was ready to commit to whatever life has throw at us. Those almost 2 years were full of hardships but also beautiful moments. He is currently going through self reflection and awakening that I can only understand and support. Unfortunately, he is dwelling in the past so much and hurting himself that he is not allowing me to be there for him and support him through this process. 

In  the beginning , I had conflicted feelings regarding his love for me. However, as time pass by maybe he loves me so much he is rescuing me from this process for now. Some processes we have to go through alone so we can come back stronger as a couple and individuals. I have no clue what the future holds. If at the moment he is emotionally stable , he realizes he feels the way I feel about him and comes back and ask for second chance Or if he only comes back for amends. The ball is on his court regarding that. I love and accept him with all his flaws, virtues and scars...

I fell peace because my love is pure. My intentions have been good; and I have supported him through it all. Ups, downs and in between.  Leaving him was never an option. When the one you love is hurting, is the moment to show more love instead of knocking him when he is down like I saw some people do. He is my one and only and I have to set him free so if he is meant to be with me, he will be back and if not, I will love him forever from far. No demons or imperfections ever scared me away. Instead it made me love him stronger. Don't get it confused with co-dependency. I know I can live without him yet my heart wishes it otherwise. I have been working  on myself this hole time without saying anything because I always knew that to love someone, I have to love me and be happy with myself. Otherwise, I cannot give my 100% like I always do. 

The best way to proof and show my love for him  will be to pray he continues to be healthy in every way and shape. I am leaving this love story on God's hands and on his as well. If our story continues, I will continue to  work on being a good person and partner. In general, I will always continue to self reflect and grow because I deserve to be my best version of myself for myself and the ones who love me. 

True love has a way of coming back... Let's see...