Everything is changing

My life has been the "victim- beneficiary" of many changes since 2007. Moving to a new country, knowing what love is for the first time, getting to know myself, trying to figure out what I want to do with my life [career],being independent, getting my heart broke a couple of times, realizing some people were fake, dating, getting to know what I truly want in someone, having a tough family situation, once again falling in-love and now feeling my life will change 360 any minute.
I realize that even in my craziest dreams, I could have never imagined how my life have turned out to be so far. Some of the things I've gone through were awesome and will always bring a smile. Others really crush my heart into millions of pieces making me feel the worst pain. And some I just wish happened in a different way or not at all.
Every day I get to know a little more about myself and the people that are part of my life right now. When you least expect it, they will say something and you end up  thinking o.O is this person for real?The whole concept you have changes on the blink of an eye. I may not agree with what they say, do, live  BUT I try to understand where they are coming from.
On the other hand, right now I feel like I have a "tornado" of emotions and thoughts in my head 24/7. Having some "gut feelings" that I am not sure if its presages or fears trying to break me down. I feel like one of the biggest changes in my life is about to happen and that freaks me out in ways I never felt before. I know it is out of my hands and there is no way to control the outcome of what is happening; but I also know I am strong and have nice people by my side. Some of them are people I didn't even realize they care as much as I feel they do[ I might be wrong tho]. I even tear with one of them I guess because she is a mother and that type of connection made me feel secure enough to let my guard down.
It took me a while to accept that I don't like drastic changes. I am afraid of them.Yes, I am a control freak in some weird level. I life to control my emotions and feelings. I like to know where exactly I stand with every single person in my life. I question their opinions about me and anything they feel towards me. I know I am a very caring and emotional individual but I hate crying. Crying in front of people or talking about my emotions makes me feel like I'm letting them know all my weaknesses and hell that should not happen no matter what because I am "unbreakable". However, I am emotional roller-coaster with a couple of people because I trust them plus they are important to me. BUT still I always wonder If I am doing the right thing by opening so much.
I know I'm 22 about to be 23 life will not be the same if what I think will happen actually happens. Time to grow up and wear the " woman" pants I've been working on fitting in. Time to fight against the world for what I want and deserve in every aspect of my life [personal, academic-professional,familiar].  If there is a problem, I will try to find a solution. If someone takes me from grated, they will be out of my life. I'm afraid some of the chapters in my life will end at any minute because of different reasons but I guess time will tell and it will end up as it suppose to be.
All I know is that what is mean to happen, IT WILL HAPPEN whether it brings tears or smiles...hopefully the second option and I'm like the Phoenix bird.I will always rise...

Another day...

Tonight is one of those night that I have so many thoughts in my head some from my past, others from present and future. I have a brain who won't shut up and always be thinking and thinking even though I know some stuff is not only up to me. I don't know if worrying/ carrying too much is a good thing or a curse instead but that's me and I just have to accept it.
I know I've always said you cant live in your past or future but I am aware that the past is still part of us [ who we are now] because it has shaped us. Even though the future is yet to come and it varies with every decision we take, we base our present decisions about the future we might like to have. Everything is related in a simple but complicated way. For example, even though I tried not to live in past, it has created some fears that I will always fight against. Even though I have gone through some difficult times in every aspect in my life, I understand why it happened [ at least most of those episodes]. No ones life is perfect. There will be ups and downs but the important thing is to lear from that and NOT make the same mistake again. Appreciate the things we have and specially the people who truly love and care for us because sometimes we can take them from granted till we know for sure we are about to lose them. Never push anyones limits because when you least expect it, that person will get tired of being good to you and try, and will just leave you. I have cried from the most deepest sadness and happiness. I have loved and be loved.  People has hurt me the worst way possible but I decided to give them a second chance. Don't get me wrong I am a good person and if I see the person deserves a second chance I have made the exception give it to them. HOWEVER, if I see they don't appreciate it as they supposed to, I just decide to keep my distance and that link is over.
In my present, I am thankful for everything I have accomplished so far. I graduated from college with honors and now I'm about to graduate from university with a good academic standing. Even though I have realize some of my "closest friends" who always said how much they love me are fake people, I am thankful to know I have some people who I can truly count on. At the moment, I have a good person by my side who's been there for me as I've been there for him, who I will aways wish the best and I hope I'm [always] part of his life one way or another [ even though it is not only up to me]. I have a nice family even though they are crazy sometimes or we might not agree on everything. On other side, I'm deeply sad because of some family situation [ people close to me know it] I am afraid that this will have a bad ending soon but again it is not up to me. I hope with all my heart God just give me more time and we can enjoy the stages in my life I wanna accomplish.
Finally, lately [since february] I've been thinking about my future in every aspect. It's been always easy for me to imagine my future when it is academic- professional related. However, when it comes to personal stuff I've always been afraid to do so. Something happened this year that make me see different in some way. Before if I thought about marriage and kids, I would be" hey what the hell are you thinking?" Now, I am not afraid to say than yes I hope and wish for the day I get engaged and married. I wanna have kids and be the best mom I could ever be. Even though I am young, I am aware of how much work a kid involves, how expensive and demanding it is and I'm not talking about having a baby tomorrow but when I am married and able to give that baby( ies) everything they deserve and need. Knowing that I truly want and hope one day to be a mom is exciting but scary. Still to early to know how things will turn out to be....From now at least I wanna successfully graduate, get a decent job and get as far as I can in life. After that, things [marriage &motherhood]  will fall into place when they should.
All I know is that I'm trying my best. I want to be the best I can be to the people I love and care about. I wanna make them happy and proud to have me in their lives. Some people say I am grate some might not think so. All I want is to be happy in every aspect of my life and the same goes to my loves ones.

Get to know me - Capricorn

Personality Descriptions

Capricorns take things seriously. Capricorns can solve any problem, and enjoy the mental and physical challenge of difficult problems. Capricorns are wary, and do not trust others easily. Because of that, we do not make friends easily and quickly. But once a trust is established, we remain loyal and true. We behave with dignity, and do not like to hurry. We are very stubborn, and this leads to dogmatic tendancies. Caprincorns can sometimes lack a sense of humor, their dry wit biting. Capricorns can and do work hard for long periods of time, and have achieved preeminent positions worldwide. Like their symbol -- the goat -- Capricorns can face any challenge. Capricorns also have a very good memory, being able to hold many, many minute details or facts over long periods of time. This gift also makes Capriocorns unwilling to forgive: we have been known to hold grudges for many years. Capricorns often drown themselves in work to avoid the emotional part of life. Capricorns like to be in control of things, though you tend to be rather delicate and emotionally fragile.

More Personality Descriptions
•    As a parent, a Capricorn is paternal/maternal, responsible, dutiful: always looking out for the best for one's family. Capricorns want their children to succeed, and will provide them with whatever they need to better their lives. Capricorn parents do not spoil, and help focus drifting artistic types. You are good at teaching your kids how to reach their goals.
•    The Capricorn style is true and definite. For home decor, Capricorns choose classic looks, whether it be from Asian to Amish. In the South, the looks of 'old money' are a favorite: high ceilings, rich dark woods, rich colors. In the north, Ivy League Gothic is always a favorite. Even modern styled houses have their fine woods and solid structures. Fashion wise, once Capricorns have found a fashion image they feel comfortable in, they keep it. You buy suitable and nice clothes, and will scrounge sales to find the best deals. You stick to basics: buying only what you need.

Capricorns are like turtles. They have very resistant and tough outsides, and are quite defensive. They don't open up easily, because on the inside they are very vunerable and real. Like the turles, Capricorns will often pull the exposed pasts of themselves back inside their shells, and it difficult to get them to come back out again. They are sure, steady, and always win their race.

Capricorn Love Traits

•    Capricorns are very loyal and dedicated towards their partners. They are highly romantic 

and marry their true love.

•    People born under Capricorn take marriage seriously and do everything possible to keep 

the relation healthy.

•    If you are unfaithful or not loyal in anyway, they are very resentful even though they might 

have deep feelings towards their partners.

•    They are slow to approach and are against making any flirts or fun when it comes to love.

•    They are highly caring for their partner and always think about the emotional aspect of the 

relationship.

•    They are very tolerant in their relationships and extremely possessive of their loved ones.

•    You can depend upon a Capricorn any day.

•    You will always find them standing by your side when you need support.

•    They are not the ones to shy away from commitment.

Catch my attention...

We all have talk about we find attractive in the opposite sex whether is between our buddies or in an "indirect" way to the person you like. After talking to my two closest friends these are some of the things we "girls-women-" find attractive in men. Some of them apply to any girl some of them are personal...You are more than welcome to check it out  x)

Physically & Appearance:

• Some taller than me
• Nice eyes and smile
• Light skin [white- white latino] ( believe me I'm not racist its just a preference)
• Normal body shape [not too skinny not too much meat lol]
• Knows how to dress according to the ocassion

Emotions, Feelings & Others:

• Someone who knows what he wants in life and will work for it [want to get far in life]
• Confident 
• Secure of himself and not afraid to show his emotions
• Has details now and then like giving you a single rose, love letter or any other surprise out of nowhere without you have to be bugging him.
• Faithfulness, loyalty, honesty.
• Someone who truly care about you and will be there for you when you need them the most.
• Ambitious without being greedy and arrogant.
• Problem solver
• Someone who will understand I can be an emotional mess. He will not only be my "wake up call to reality" but also a support in every way.
• He will have morals and respect me in every way [ believing in God and living his faith is a plus]
• Polite but he will speak his mind in a respectful way.
• Respectful
• Good with kids [ paternal instincts ]
• Someone who knows how to communicate with you ( Duh!) but also with the people you care about ( friends, relatives etc)
• Someone who is a little bit jealous [balance]. It is always good to know someone is afraid of losing you.
• Someone who can be random and fun!
• Someone who truly care about their future. There gotta be a point when you need to take it seriously!
• Someone who will answer maybe not the next second but will not make you wait for hours and hours.
• Someone who will not hide stuff from you even though it might upset you whether is something little or big. about exes or just life in general.
• He will care about his family.
• Someone who will respect your family and will try to have a good relationship with your relatives.
• Someone who won't be afraid to accept your feelings for you to anyone!

Self-destruct

Tonight is very very bitter night for me for many reasons that I am not planning to discuss. Once again I realize that my life is definitely not easy at all. I am aware there are bigger and worse problems than the ones I can have but don't get me wrong they hurt as much as any other problems. No one can say "my problem" is the worst problem but still some sympathy is welcome. I know there will be people who might be happy I'm hurting but I don't care. That only show who they truly are. On the other hand,  there will be people who actually care and will be worry. Thanks for caring!...After so much going on the last couple of days and a long talk with someone I truly care and mean so much to me, it surprises how someone can tell you are worth so many things but others tell you the opposite. I am deff. not perfect and I have never said I am. All I try to do is give my best to the people I love but sometimes is just not enough...Maybe I'm being selfish by having them in my life since apparently I'm not a good person. Maybe it will best for me to go away or something. To the ones I care I will always wish you the best in every way possible whether they decide to believe me or not. I'm truly sorry if what I have done is not good enough, I tried....I don't know how the future will be for me or just tomorrow or the day after. I just want some peace in my life; the people who love and truly care to be patient with me and just be there. I know some are and you have no idea how much that means to me...I'm guessing all this can be seen as a test for everything I am , believe and have. At the end of this dark tunnel, I hope I am able to see why this is happening and be surround by the right people. Hope I get to realize why I was born and I am still alive. There gotta be a reason why, right? I guess time will tell......I hope things end up the best way they can after all I just want to be happy as simple as that.

Wondering...