Sleeplessness [ The Phoenix]

Another night that I have a hard time falling sleep maybe because my brain decides to have a little discussion with my heart and liver about the decisions that have been taken in the last 6 months. After my last vacation, the one I thought would be a torture ended up being exactly what I needed. I confronted the most painful reality which is not having my mother with me anymore. Being alone in my house helped me think about how my life has been changing in the last years where I stand and where I will like to get in the future. Analyzing myself and situations I have been living is not easy, well it never is. I know some things are not the way I would like them to be specially in my personal and professional life but I know that what is meant for me it will be. Cheesy phrase huh? what else can I do? I mean I keep on going trying to focus on other plans and goals I have had but still some situations keep me in a limbo which no one likes. I will not pressure anything in my life, not in a rush at all but also I will not wait forever to those things to turn around. I mean I will go with the flow as long as I feel it is right for me. Also along the way thing will fall into place.
Looking back I see how far I have gotten yet it still feel like it is the beginning I guess it actually is since I am starting a new chapter after finishing my bachelors. It is so exciting and frustrating to enter to this new world of professionals where competition and the survival of the stronger is the main rules. Sometimes I feel scared of not being able to accomplish what I want and disappoint my love ones. Then, I step back and think hey this is a beginning and no beginning is easy! Everyone including me will not always take the best decisions but the point is to learn from it and always keep on going looking for a better outcome. Try and keep on trying always giving my best in every aspect.
I know I am not the most expressive person when it comes to emocional situations. I haven't been born this way but it was my protection for so long that it might be a little difficult to brake that horrible habit. I am aware I have hurt people I care and love along the way. I am improving that side of me as the days pass by. It is not something that changes in one day, it is a process. Unfortunately not all people will be able to understand and support you the way you will like them to. There could be many reason maybe you reached their limits without having that intentions, maybe they care but just not enough to actually be there for you during the process, maybe its the way destiny makes you see they re not meant to be in your life, or maybe it is a process you have to go through alone. You will be the only one to realize that plus time will show you the way and of course those people's actions will speak for themselves. I have lost friends and any type of relationship because of that [ blood related and not ]. It is important I admit my mistakes but also the other people as well. We are in a world where it is easy to just blame it and focus on the other's mistakes, limitations and flaws that we forget we are humans and we might have hurt them too. So before you say something about what someone did to you, stop and think what you might have done to that person that maybe made everything worst than it could have been. This sometimes breaks any motivation you have to keep improving yourself because people close minded don't give you a chance before they are already bringing you down, then what's the point?
I have been trying to forget everything bad that happen in the past BUT keep all the lessons learn because if you are only focus on the bad side, you can not start from "zero" and give yourself or anything else another chance. That's what I call to be wise. I wanna keep improving myself which doesn't mean I will change who I am . I WILL NEVER DO THAT  Recognize your flaws and be able to work on that in a way that will help you grow and be a better person achieving a new outcome in all aspects in your life. My essence will always be the same. I will be that sweet , caring and warm heart persons who need to feel secure to show her fragile but strong heart. Yes I can be a little pain in the back, insecure and jealous but I will not let that blur the good that I have had and will have in my life or by my side no more. If I make a mistake, I will show how sorry I am and make it better and try not to make it again .  I will think before I act. Yet always pursuit my happiness and follow my heart no matter who agrees or disagrees with my decisions. Also be open to listen to advices from people who care about me and take them into count if I think they are right. That is what and adulthood is. Being a grown up and mature it is not only do what you please but do what it is right for you and people meaning thinking if you will hurt someone with your actions. If you will not like someone do "that " to you then why would you do it to them? . Life is a journey in which all of us are learning a new thing everyday no matter how small it is. Open your eyes because if you have someone who truly care but you are taking for granted, there will be a moment when they will be gone ( physically, emotionally or both) and they might not be a way back. Appreciate everything and everyone.
Everything ad everyone has a limit and before you reach or make someone reach their think whether it is worth it or not. If something or someone is worth another shot no matter if its the 3rd or 500th then do it s long as you put you heart and brain on it. Make it count so later on there will be no regrets.