Lately I have been thinking a lot about my mom, to be specific it started since I got my bachelors certificate-diploma. I don't know if it was a trigger or there is something else "cooking" inside my head and heart. Last almost 2 weeks I've been a little emotional than usual and hey I am not big on that topic. Almost every song reminds me of her my mom, my fossil ( the nickname I gave her.) Have been dreaming about her more often than usual and the last one was definitely one of the hardest. In part of the dream I had a convo with her. She was explaining how I had to be strong and let her go because she was "going to die" soon and she understood it was something that would have to happen in a certain period of time. She just wanted me and her go to someone quiet and peaceful, keep her company during the process. Of course, in my dream just like in real life I rejected the proposition and hated the idea of my mom passing away. I was crying hysterically and kept repeating " I don't want her to die, she cannot die!" I woke up crying with a feeling of emptiness in my chest. I have no clue if it was just a nightmare or some type of sign. Maybe I am still having trouble accepting what happened which in some level may be true. Or maybe it is my mom's way to tell me I need to let her go in some level. As stupid as this may sound I CANT. My logic part knows and admits my mom died and she is not suffering anymore. Yet once again I think about my graduation and other import ants moments my mom won't be physically with me and it kills me inside. I know she will always be in my heart and as long as my love for her is intact, she will be alive but I need her. I am 23 years old and I still need my mom. It is so hard to think she won't be on may for my gradation and even more think about when I will get engaged, married, find out I will be having my first child, learn to be a new mom and all that kind of stuff mother-daugther want to live together. I will be on my own. well hopefully by when that happens whoever my mother in law is will have a good relationship with me but it will never ever be the same. She will not com are my baby with me when I was one. She won't pick up the gown I will wear on my wedding day or give me advices about how to deal with the husband or kid(s). I know everything I am listing is down the road but it is inevitable for me to think about it. One thing she actually did was to get baby clothes. I found it when I was going through her stuff back on January. To be exact baby girl clothes. I got so emotional about it. but at least if I ever have a baby girl she will have something grandma got for her way ahead of time which for me is amazingly crazy!I miss my fossil so much ! I still remember "that day" like a movie. I feel so guilty I wasn't by her bed while she took her last breath. I mean I am her only child how could I do that to her. I feel like a disappointed her. I know maybe she or people will think it wasn't meant to be or maybe she didn't really want me to remember her like that. I get it but still I wanted to say good bye to her physically not through a phone like it happened. I know she fought for her life like no one else did. She hold on for so long till she could and I tried my best to reach out for her ASAP but I got there too late. I am sorry my for that. I am sorry because I wasn't holding your day during your last hours here. I am so sorry I cannot get over it and can't let you go.
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