Self Reflection...

On June 5th will be a whole year of self reflecting and growth in more ways that I could ever imagine. A year full of tears, laughs, darkness, anxiety attacks, and more. Growing pains I guess.  Triggers that I didn't  see coming or  didn't even expect; but here we are. 

I have always been my worst critic. I know that no matter what happen, I will be okay... I will make sure of that with or without emotional support. After all, I have done it before. Maybe that is why I usually put people needs over mine in time of crisis. It was a huge trigger to recognize that I let my guard down and trusted 2 people and they decided to pull the rug under me when I least expected but that is life I guess.

I have learned that true love is so powerful. It makes you selfless in more ways than I knew. Putting that person’s wellbeing before your own pain or ideals. Love is also not enough to make a relationship work. It can be one of the main ingredients but the equation is long including respect, communication and more.

I have learned to be careful who I let people in and confess my weakness to. Some are easy to use them against you at your lowest points. I was broken in ways I never thought I would. I still showed up every day with a smile on my face. Yet, your body sometimes tells on you and that’s how I ended up with anxiety every day for 3 months. People see the strong you and would never guess what you are going thru and how you may cry yourself to sleep. Very few people could see through my eyes and smiles. The few of them realize my smile changed, I was not the same. I thank them because they gave me the little push I needed at times to remind myself how strong I am and how far I’ve gotten … still long way to go.

Not having family around makes you brave and weak all at the same time. I know I won’t back down. I may need a good cry or “sing” loudly for a few days but I will always continue moving and working on being the best I can because I deserve it.

I am at peace with myself because I try and give my best. My work turned to be the one thing that has kept me grounded. I can count in one hand the people the people I can trust being vulnerable with and "weak". People mistake me telling facts with trust. I don’t necessarily care if someone knows just facts but me showing emotions and even putting my guard down… then you know I trust you… I appreciate the one who are there no matter what they have in their lives. The ones who validate and respect any emotion I may have and help guide me through the journeys.

Now talking about dating… I could have been in a relationship long time ago but I don’t like to rush things. I like to heal so I can truly give my 200%. I am not going to lie … falling in love terrifies me to the point I tear up and kind of shake. I know a good man is worth letting all that go but I am human. All I want is a good man. Someone “afraid” to lose. Someone who is willing to work through any obstacle. Someone who communicates and reassurances his feelings and the view of our future.  I know I am great catch but still have some insecurities here and there .  It won’t stop me from feeling and falling in love though. When I do, I will say it even if not knowing how the other person scares me to my core. I rather be courageous. One day I'll brag about my new man because that love would be worth it… Putting out there in the universe…

Time to continue growing, loving and enjoying the good and bad that life gives…

 

 

My Person

 It has taken me over 3 months to be able to write this out. Talking about it is not easy. This has been one of the most beautiful yet challenging experiences of my life. 

People say that when you know you know and I believe it is true. I knew it even on our first day at Red Cadillac. He has been the only one that did not give me any anxiety. Instead he made me feel safe 90% the time. No relationship is perfect. For him , I tried to always seek for solutions and giving my best even it was not enough at times. He is my person. My best friend . Someone I could have a serious or silly conversation. Someone I could be myself even though at the end a situation tricked us. The perfect chef! 

Our relationship was perfectly imperfect. It had up, downs and in betweens. That is just life. We went through a few dark moments but we came out of them together. Some other memories so beautiful I can only wish to relive them again and again.  Funny moments, long walks, conversations at 2 or 3am about life and what we were going to do or even eating pasta at 4am lol. Plans and dreams. Laughing together and acting silly. The simplest things were the ones I cherish the most. Living a pandemic together and instead of arguing, it got us closer. It was amazing to be team and spend so much time together. Those months were like I was living on cloud 9. 

I have learned so much through him and with him. I wish he could see and feel the way I feel and see him. I have seen him at his darkest moments, even then I was able to see how worthy he is. Even at his darkest moment; he care and love me, maybe not perfectly but he tried and did. His tries I cherish and appreciate it until my last breath. So many moments. I keep in my heart.  I hope he realizes his potential. I hope he gets to believe in himself as much as I believe in him. No matter how many people reminds him his past trying to belittle him, he is passed that. He is going through a rebirth and his come back will be stronger than ever. He taught me accountability, strength, loyalty, vulnerably, and more. 

It is hard not to shed tears remembering him and what we have lived so far. God only knows how I feel, miss and love him. There is so much left unsaid but God's time is perfectly. I know he has a plan for all this. That is why when someone from his inner circle said " she felt bad about me wasting time on him" got me incredibly upset but I tried to control myself. I will never regret it. I would do it all over again. HE is worth it. He is my love whether him or anyone else believes it. It may sound naive but it is how I feel. If I could I would put him in a bubble so no-one will hurt him ever, I can't .. I know! lol All I can do is respect him. Support him. Love him wherever he is. He tried to scared me away but leaving was never an option for me. I was going to stand by him through it all. It was my choice and I stand by it. He is the only one I have ever seen myself ending up with. I can only talk about MY feelings. Now everything is on God and his hands.. the ball is on his court. 

I pray for him every day since I fall for him. For his health, future and all. The time I see him again , I will not be able to control myself lol Let's just leave it at that.  He is my heart. I know that if I wanna be there for him. I have to be there for myself. My healing processes started back in January.  I always knew that i I love someone and want to support them , I have to be okay first.  My love ones are worth of the best version of me that why I keep learning a growing each day. I know I will be okay no matter what it is next, but my heart know what it wants, what requires and what it is willing to give...

Let's God play it cards. I am ready...

Just a Letter...

Love, love love...One small word, 4 letters but it makes you jump front and backwards. Love is so easy and complicated. Yet most of us still keep "looking" and hoping we can have that love story that will have no end. Today, at 30 years old, I can say my sense of love has been shaped and may not be the exact same from when I was younger.. I know ! It is just common sense since we are growing, adapting and hopefully maturing as we go through life. 

At this point in my life, I know what I want & do not want; what I will put up with and what will make me run faster than you can think of. All this has been through heartaches and people's experiences. I have learned that before asking and thinking what " I want from someone", I have to be sure I can also give that to the person I pick as partner.  I would like to date someone hardworking, faithful, respectful, family orientated honest, fun, romantic. Someone who is proud to have me as a partner and would show me off here and there. Someone who is willing to be a team and build a future together instead of run when there is an obstacle. I believe that is not too much since those qualities are just of a decent human being! Now, don't get me wrong, All I want in a person is what I bring to the table... 

I recently went through the roughest heartbreak. No, the end was not dramatic or nasty at all.  It was a notification not a conversation. Even tough I was not agreeing with his decision; I respected it. It has been rough because I believe he is "my one". God it hurts in such a different ways than any breakup before. He has been the only one I ever wanted to have a family with and was ready to commit to whatever life has throw at us. Those almost 2 years were full of hardships but also beautiful moments. He is currently going through self reflection and awakening that I can only understand and support. Unfortunately, he is dwelling in the past so much and hurting himself that he is not allowing me to be there for him and support him through this process. 

In  the beginning , I had conflicted feelings regarding his love for me. However, as time pass by maybe he loves me so much he is rescuing me from this process for now. Some processes we have to go through alone so we can come back stronger as a couple and individuals. I have no clue what the future holds. If at the moment he is emotionally stable , he realizes he feels the way I feel about him and comes back and ask for second chance Or if he only comes back for amends. The ball is on his court regarding that. I love and accept him with all his flaws, virtues and scars...

I fell peace because my love is pure. My intentions have been good; and I have supported him through it all. Ups, downs and in between.  Leaving him was never an option. When the one you love is hurting, is the moment to show more love instead of knocking him when he is down like I saw some people do. He is my one and only and I have to set him free so if he is meant to be with me, he will be back and if not, I will love him forever from far. No demons or imperfections ever scared me away. Instead it made me love him stronger. Don't get it confused with co-dependency. I know I can live without him yet my heart wishes it otherwise. I have been working  on myself this hole time without saying anything because I always knew that to love someone, I have to love me and be happy with myself. Otherwise, I cannot give my 100% like I always do. 

The best way to proof and show my love for him  will be to pray he continues to be healthy in every way and shape. I am leaving this love story on God's hands and on his as well. If our story continues, I will continue to  work on being a good person and partner. In general, I will always continue to self reflect and grow because I deserve to be my best version of myself for myself and the ones who love me. 

True love has a way of coming back... Let's see...

Amistades Removadas y Expiradas

A quien no le ha pasado que tiene amistades del colegio y/o universidad que piensa que nunca va a perder? Sin embargo la vida nos da sorpresas o uno mismo por la inmadurez de la juventud comete errores y las pierdes? Eso te hace buena o mala persona?
A mi humilde parecer, creo que aveces la vida nos lleva por caminos diferentes. Y, cuando nuestro destino y vivencias con esas personas ya tuvieron su momento y etapa aveces toca dejarlas ir. No porque no se les quiera sino porque el ciclo acabo y es natural sea o no doloroso. Por otro lado, si nosotros hacemos un mea culpa y vemos que cometimos un error y por ende perdimos esa amistad. Lo ideal seria disculparse pero si no tenemos esa via. Pues lo mejor que podemos hacer en memoria de esa amistad y más aún importante por nosotros mismo pues crecer de ello. No cometer ese mismo error con otras amistades que tengamos en el presente o futuro. Los errores no te hacen mala persona pues todos somos seres humanos y evolucionamos. Otra cosa seria hacer las cosas con mala intensión. Pero, a medida que crecemos nos vamos puliendo pues sabemos que hay errores muy costosos y  ahora valoramos 3 veces mas a las personas que tenemos en nuestro presente gracias a esas vivencias.

Yo he tenido 4 mejores amigos a lo largo de mi vida. Con 3 de ellos tuvimos problemas or diferentes circunstancias ya que cada relación amical es diferente.
Persona 1. Esa persona tuvo dificultades. Yo intente estar ahi pero en su proceso de crecer y relaciones interpersonales nos alejamos. Me dolió mucho por que había una hermandad pero entendí que cada persona tiene prioridades diferentes y a pesar que no compartamos ciertas ideas hay que respetarlo y dejarlas volar. A los años, recolectamos y hoy tenemos una relación cordial.

Persona 2. Fue una amistad del colegio.  Somos completamente opuestos. Esta persona es super emocional e impulsiva. Yo demasiado reservada y no me muevo muchas veces por miedo. Aquella vez por hacer una comparación por intentar hacerla entender lo que quería decir la hirió demasiado. En primer momento pensé que exageraba. Me dolió y ambas decidimos dejar la amistad. Años después, me contacto durante su proceso de crecimiento. Lo cual admiro y respeto. Hablamos del suceso. En ese momento entendí porque le incomodo antes tanto. Al verlo de otra perspectiva me disculpe pues jamás la intensión fue hacerle daño pues siempre la hermandad estuvo incluso cuando no nos hablábamos Uno no puede mejorar ni pedir perdón si no sabemos cual fue nuestro error. Es bueno tener buena comunicación con nuestras amistades pues eso nos ayuda a que esta perdure a través de los años y errores. Realmente estoy agradecida a esta persona por contactarme pues recupere a alguien que siempre quise. Hoy tenemos una linda amistad. Y lo que mas deseo en el mundo es que esta persona sea increíblemente feliz pues su corazón es enorme. Que crezca cada día mas como persona y profesional . Que cumpla sus sueños y anhelos. Es bello que ambas nos aceptemos como somos y sabemos que si hay algo que nos molesta de la otra con respeto lo hablaremos. Y eso no tiene precio. Tratare de estar para ella y dar lo mejor de mi.

Persona 3. Se trata de otra persona fue otra amistad de colegio. La perdimos hace 3 o 4 años. Este hecho fue el que más me dolió y marco para el resto de mi vida. Jamás pensé perder esta amistad pero  acepte que fue así y la deje volar. Hay hechos que esta persona cree pero no fueron así. En aquellas épocas entable comunicación con alguien que jamás debí pero lo único que quería es dejarle ver a esa tercera persona que esa amistad (persona 3) había sido herida por ella y para mi eso era muy bajo. Por mi estúpida idea de vengarla a ella y ser la heroína -que jamás seré-perdí esa amistad. Jamás fue con una intención mala contra esa amistad. Nosotras pasamos por muchísimas vivencias. Buenas, malas a medias. Por otro lado, yo le pedía un favor en específico muchas veces sin saber que eso la desgastaba cada vez más. Hubieron bromas insensibles de las cuales no me dí cuenta pues jamás me dijo " sabes esto me duele o molesta". Nadie lee mentes para darse cuenta que piensa el resto. Aveces no nos damos cuenta y por eso es tan importante tener buena comunicación en nuestras relaciones amicales. Si lo hubiese sabido pues hubiese tratado de disculparme,  cambiar y tal vez haber evitado ese rompimiento a tiempo. Pero todo ya se dió. En su momento use la frase " espero no te arrepientas.   Vivimos muchas cosas y mínimo merezco que me den la cara". Estas frases pueden ser interpretadas de muchas formas. Hoy explico la mi uso. Aveces tomamos decisiones en caliente y al no escuchar ambas versiones solo nos enfocamos en nuestro sentir mas allá de lo que realmente pasa.  Ahora por decir que vivimos muchas cosas no es por sacarlo en cara sino porque cada relación amical ambas personas dan de si. Ella me ayudo muchísimo y yo a ella. Eso normalmente se da en todas las amistades. Por honor a esa amistad ambas merecíamos una charla final pero no se dio. Me dolió, me molesto pero  quiera o no debía respetarlo. Yo intente hablar y si la otra persona ya tiene su conclusión de la situación sin querer escucharte no hay más que se pueda hacer.  Me dolió , la llore por meses. Esto me cambio mucho intente analizar que pudo haberle molestado. Me disculpe a mi misma porque mis errores a pesar que no fueron con el propósito, la hirieron y me prometí a misma y por esa amistad a jamás volverlos a cometer. Le pedi perdón a esta persona una noche de reflexion (mientras le hablaba al universo ya que no mantenemos comunicación alguna) mientras entendí que la dejaba volar para siempre pues ese camino la hacia mas feliz.  Cambié de hábitos tóxicos que algunos momento tuve pues en vez de ayudarme solo me daban ansiedad. y era un podría herir a otras personas como lo hizo con esta amistad.  Trato de ser mas consciente de mis acciones y bromas pues todos tenemos sensibilidades diferentes. Jamás me  he sentido que soy perfecta o que yo nunca cometo errores sino el resto es el equivocado. Al contrario, soy imperfecta y trato de evolucionar según lo que vivo. Por esta amistad hoy valoro a mis amigos 3 veces mas y siempre les pido que si algo hago mal y no me doy cuenta me digan así me incomode. Quiero ser la mejor version de mí , por mí y por las personas que quiero porque no se merecen menos. Siempre la respetare y le guardare mucho amor a esta amistad. Le deseo lo mejor. Que la vida la bendiga. Ambas cometimos errores en nuestras vidas pero siempre hemos salido adelante y evolucionado de la mejor forma que podemos. Que la vida le regale millones de sonrisas, paz, amor y todo lo que su corazón anhela.

Persona 4. Esta persona es mayor que yo. Ella  es una persona que admiro. Ella ha atenido tropiezos y aciertos y siempre ha evolucionado. Hay cosas que comparto otras que no, pero siempre la he respetado. En algún momento tuvimos desacuerdos pero pudimos hablarlo, explicar lo que queríamos decir y crecimos. Esta persona me ayuda me ayudo a darme cuenta que necesitaba valorarme más como persona pues al parecer no me daba crédito de ciertas cosas. Por el contrario, no me sentía que merecía amigos ni amor. Con ella aprendí que soy humana. Que he cometido y seguiré cometiendo errores pues no soy perfecta. Pero, de lo que se trata es de no excusarse en ello sino intentar de corazón tener buenas intensiones así el resultado no sea el óptimo. El evolucionar siempre. el crecer. El hacer mea  culpas y decir perdón me equivoque porque eso no nos hace malos mas bien nos hace responsables de nuestras acciones y así crecemos. Le agradezco a Dios que con esta amistad puedo aprender mas cosas que tal vez personas de mi edad no nos damos cuenta. La madurez se va dando con los años y daños. Aveces es bueno escuchar a personas mayores para  evitarnos dolores.
Que la vida la bendiga en esa nueva etapa que esta por vivir. Que es una persona a la cual admiro muchísimo. Que siga siendo esa guerrera que se que.

Yo jamás he tenido muchas amistades. Estoy aprendiendo a socializar poco a poco. Sigo creciendo y evolucionando. Aprendiendo de mis errores cada día. Intentado expresarme mas. Intentando ser mas sensible al prójimo. Perdón a lo que herí en el pasado, presente y futuro. Les juro que jamás sera con mala intension solo que no soy perfecta. Con respeto todo consejo es siempre bien recibido. Así puedo crecer  como ser humano. Gracias a los que me aceptan como paquete completo con virtudes y defecto. Jamás alcanzaran las palabras para expresarles lo importante que son pues día a día aprendo con ustedes. Trate de darles los mejor y siempre con respeto pues no merecen menos.

Gracias Totales...

To The One(s) who Broke my Heart

This goes to anyone who has broken this little heart whether they were family, friends or ex partner....

I am not sure if any of those people will read this but here it goes...

The number of people allow to be part of me and have access to my heart is pretty small. Therefore, the hurt is considerable when things like what you did happen.
You never apologized for you behavior. Instead, you acted like it was nothing and in some cases even victimized yourself.
Funny enough I did not picture my life without some of you but look at us know... complete strangers.  At times, I even questioned myself if I ever truly knew part of who you are/were... You broke my heart and soul because I did care.  I am not ashamed to accept that I even cried myself to sleep thinking about the whole situation. Maybe I showed and opened up  too much, too soon or maybe not enough...
The betrayal and disrespect was indescribable and unexpected. At some point and for some reason I even questioned if I deserved it but who does? I tried to understand why would you do something like that to ANYONE and where you could be coming from. However, at your age you should have a better sense of accountability and consequences. You should have known better...
I was there. I never judged. I hold your hand through it all... I am not rubbing it in because first of all I did it because that is what I wanted to do. However, 1% respect is all I asked in returned. For you to be honest enough to confront the situation face to face instead of hiding ... Too much to ask?
It took me a little while to understand that it was not me. I cannot fight to keep any type of relationship by myself. I need the other person to care and you did not or not enough. You were not afraid to lose me so why should I? My care/love for you was transformed into appreciation of memories and lessons you gave me in the time shared. if you thought you destroyed me, hunny you did not...
The scars were meaningful this time around which cannot be denied. I have been so scared to open up to possible new friends or partner. I was second guessing people intentions. What do they want? What if I care and they leave again? what if the story keeps repeating? What if I am not enough? It did brought some anxiety until I understand some stuff. I focus on healing myself. I focus on loving and getting to know ME even deeper. I tried to find out what "mistakes" I could have made so I can deal with them, be a little bit more happy and in peace.
Caring too much and loving a person as a friend or partner still scares me- a bit. I understand that opening up and being vulnerable is not easy and that is ok. The pain you caused me made me stronger. Made me value more the people I have by my side. I know what I don't want for me in a friend or partner I know the type of person and behavior I will not allow to be...
Today, I acknowledge that I do not open easily but when I connect with someone friendly or romantically , I do care/love deeply and fast. That has been my strength and weakness. I am eager to know and connect to new people. I am excited even if scared to fall in love and be loved. I will express what I feel and think honestly and truthfully. I will value more the effort people make to be here for me, love and make me happy. I notice the little things more...
Today I am open to possibilities. I embrace me and what it is meant to be in my life..I am ready for what is next. If there is any issues, I will work on it. I will figure it out. I am strong enough to do so. As long someone is honest, has feeling for me  but most important truly wants to be part of my life; we  will work things out.. That is my policy for everyone... family, friends and romance. We will be a team and if that changes and you don't desire to have me in your life.. say it... I will leave respectfully.  There is a difference between forcing things and fighting for something you care... I value what I have and will have as part of my life and me...

Today I say I forgave you because I deserve to be in peace even if you never apologize or explain your behavior ... I have the courage to do that.. do you?

Ladies Talk...

Last post was all about what makes a man...a man.. well at least in my eyes.. Therefore, it is only fair to give the other side of the story.... what makes me a WOMAN with all big letters...
We all know or at least hope are aware than being a woman has always been complicated.  We have to overcome countless obstacles throughout history and even nowadays.  It is intriguing how women "have" to fulfill more expectations than men since they have been naturalized...
Anyways, here are some characteristics of a G.O.O.D woman in my eyes and who I hope to be...

• She is honest with the ones she loved but most important with herself. She knows lies and betrayals hurts someone if deeper level than a regular person can imagine
• She commits since day one. She knows the long term goal is to have a healthy relationship which includes bumps along the road. She will not leave you hanging because you turnout to be not perfect. Instead, she will be there to help you overcome it and remind you that her support is the good, bad and in-between days. 
• She is independent in all aspects so don't expect her to beg you to be in her life  no matter what link you have ( friendship/romance/family). If you want to be part of her life, believe she will match your efforts...
• She is empathetic and forgives. However, she doesn't allow people play her. If someone takes advantage of her, she will learn and grow from the experience. However, remember she is not the one being played, that person played themselves.
• She is serious but also  let her guard down from time to time. She can be silly just like a little girl and serious when it comes to protect her love ones as a mother would.
• She always play with her "deck" open. She will let you know what role you play in her life. She doesn't play little games that will lead on people.
• She is humble and down to earth. She gets far in life in all aspects but always remember where she comes from and is proud of it. Proud of every obstacle she has overcome and will do in the future
• She is accountable for her mistakes. She is not afraid to say " sorry" and apologize. She embraces  it and grows.
• She is supportive and responsible in all aspects. She makes time for her priorities but also for her relationships ( family, friends and romance) . She knows know the importance to nurture her future but also her heart.
• She acknowledges her flaws and constantly work on them. She is aware some day will be better than other and tries to embrace challenges in a  positive way.Even if she breaks down from time to time, she rises stronger.
  
• Her words have meaning. She says what she means and means what she says. She does not express feelings she does not feel with everything she got. 
• Treats all people equality no matter religion, sexuality, status, and more. 
• If she wants a parter, she will want someone who complement his life. Someone who share same values and point of view even if that would challenge her at times. Someone who inspires him tone and do better. She does not look for enablers or someone to manipulate. 
• She values every detail her love ones have with her. That text message , DM , post, call out of no where letting her know she was on your mind or that random friend thats tops by her house to chat, grab lunch or just sing in the car... The most simple ways to show love to her will make her heart warm and even bring tears of joy 
• She has respect for people who is accountable for their errors confront her apologizes and change their behavior. She acknowledges that fighting with your own demons is not easy therefore; the effort is valued. She cannot fixed something she did not break but she can compromise.... meet on the way for a mutual goal be in each other lives.
• She knows how precious are "second changes" whether she gives or receives one. 
• Before she expects or ask anything from anyone, she makes sure to be able to bring the to the table in all aspects
• Her life seeks meaning deeper than materialistic or physical things
• She is patient because she know there is no perfection. However, she had boundaries which keep her relationships and herself health
• She is terrified of love, trust and walls she has built. However, she conquers those fears when she crosses path with people who are worth the risk and make her safe to do it.

As a woman, we have so many expectation on what to do or not, how to feel, how to react.... endless I would say as previously mentioned. We have a magnifying glass because it is easier to judge a woman than a man . Facts! Whether you want to accept it or not .. it's so normalized is terrifying at times. However,  it can also be used as motivation to be the best you can and prove people and your own fears wrong.
I am a great catch.. I know it! I know what I want, deserve and am willing to put up with. I have embrace challenges that I never thought I would. I have gotten my heart broken more times I can count. But for some reason; I still believe in true love. I have been played , cheated on, ghosted, took advantage of but I still believe there is good. I have cried myself to sleep but woke up and put a smile on my face and keep on fighting. Life is not about who does not cry ... is the survival of the strong ones and hey I AM A STRONG WOMAN!  I know I will always give my best to the one(s) I love. I will be there through thick and thin (truly). I know how to walk away when people treats me with no respect. If someone comes back for good and real reasons, I LISTEN, I forgive but don't forget because the lessons must not be forgotten. they help you avoid the same mistakes... I keep learning... I am ready for what it comes and if I am not, I will figure it out... I always do....