Breaking Point

Today I finally broke down and realized how afraid I am of opening my heart and fall in love. Afraid to admit the feelings that I could have already. The idea of loving someone scares me. I try to avoid that person as much as possible whether or not I am aware of it. Stupid isn’t it? But after talking to a person that I rarely know, feelings and thoughts started to surround me and finally the wakeup call happened. I understood that even though I am stronger than what everyone knows, I’m also fragile and vulnerable. I want to be loved and love, but the fears of getting hurt overwhelmed me and I end up holding back once again. I was in love one time. That story was great even though it had its ups and downs like any other. I had strong feelings for another person but it ended for many reasons and one of them is because I held back. I am not trying to justify whatever happened but I know that trying to protect myself, I didn’t allow myself to open up, feel and enjoy what the other person was offering me. Finally, now once again I know I have strong feelings for someone new and maybe even falling. Even thought that person is definitely not perfect, he makes me happy in some level. Nothing has been said. Therefore, there are high possibilities of just being friends and that’s it but that’s not what gets me. What actually frustrates me is that as much as I want to show how I feel is as much as I avoid the idea of opening up to him or just the chance of it…

                In general, the idea of accepting people’s feelings and even more my own makes me feel vulnerable in levels beyond anyone can even imagine. I feel that letting someone have some kind of power over my emotions make me weak and I definitely can’t let that happen. I know it sound stupid but what can I say. My fears of getting hurt and the idea that those people I care and love can just walk out of my life without caring how that is going to affect me is what makes me see things in that way sometimes. The saddest part is that happen not only in a romantic matters but also familiar or friendships as well. I am always suspicious of what people say they feel for me. I always question whether or not they are being honest and try to find the reasons of why they would feel the way they feel. Even if I end up finding it out, I still question it and think they have to be looking for something else instead of being happy that those people care for me.  It’s pretty hard for me to just admit people can care and love me. Accept that I am valuable and worth those feelings.  I have been feeling empty like something is missing but I didn’t know what it was. Nothing I have worked for, had or felt was good enough and finally today I understood what it was. What I was missing was MYSELF. After talking to one of my best friends – Aleja- I understood so many things that not only her but couple of other people have told me before. I am lucky of having so many people who care and love me. Family and friends who are there for me no matter the circumstances, distance or time. I have accomplished things I never thought I would. I am almost done with my career and member of two honor societies. How could I not be proud of myself? Yeah I admit that even though I could see it, I didn’t feel proud of how far I have gotten so far because I always felt I could have done better. However, I am in another country –USA-where I barely have family and I learned a new language. Finally it hit me and I realize it is ok to want to be better but it is also important to acknowledge that you are doing your best. Therefore starting from today I want to see and be different in some level. I want to accept my good luck for having awesome people as part of my life. I am happy of who I am with my flaws and virtues. I want to open myself to love and feelings in general whether or not things end up as I would to. Conclusion, I just want to fight and pursuit my happiness :)

Negacion de Emociones

Muchos de nosotros nos hemos creado máscaras o mil y un escudos para protegernos de distintas situaciones que sean dolorosas para nosotros. No es malo saber protegerte a ti mismo y más aún si sabes que tu corazón es "frágil" y aquello te pueda afectar más de lo esperado. Sin embargo, ¿hasta qué punto es bueno protegerse?, ¿en qué momento se cruza aquel límite entre lo sano o "normal" a simplemente encerrarte en ti mismo sin dar otra oportunidad? Sí, es un "error" que muchas personas suelen cometer con o sin darse cuenta. A veces en el afán de protegernos nos cerramos a aquella puerta que nos lleva a un camino de felicidad y quién sabe, hasta amor. Nos enfocamos ya sea en lo académico, profesional, e incluso familiar con todo el propósito de evadir aquel tema que no solo nos puede llenar de ansiedad, sino también de temor. Aunque intentemos aplazar aquel momento en que tenemos que enfrentar aquella situación,  siempre llegara el momento en que tengamos que dar la cara y tomar decisiones. A veces el temor a aceptar sentimientos y/o emociones hacen que las neguemos. Claro, llegará el momento en que no se pueda negar mas y quedará aceptarlo ya sea porque no podemos evadirlo ante otra persona, o ante nosotros mismos. No es malo aceptar que somos capaces de sentir algo por alguien, ya sea que nos guste, amemos a ésa persona o simplemente sean celos. Claro que, cada emoción o sentimiento deber ser expresado de la forma "correcta". No porque sientas un gusto o cariño hacia alguien, pretendas que ésa persona se sienta igual. Si de verdad la quieres siempre estarás contenta de que él / ella esté bien. El verdadero cariño no es egoísta. Obviamente, lo ideal es ser correspondido y en caso sea así, genial, pues podrás vivir aquel amor. Pero, por el contrario, si no lo es, toca aceptarlo por más duro que puede llegar a ser, depende de la situación. En el caso de los celos, es algo muy normal que alguna vez has llegado a sentir por aquella persona a la cual quieres o te gusta. Para muchos (incluyéndome), es difícil expresar esto, los benditos "celos". Dicen algunos que sientes celos cuando de verdad esa persona te interesa, puede ser que sea así, no lo sé. Pero, para mí, dar a conocer que estoy celosa, es un símbolo de vulnerabilidad ya que dejo al descubierto que SÍ, aquella persona me INTERESA lo suficiente para que la idea de que encuentre a alguien más, pueda aturdir uno que otro de mis pensamientos. ¡SOY CELOSA! Y mucho, pero con la diferencia que el 90% de las veces no lo dejo saber. ¿Bueno o malo?, depende de cómo lo vea cada persona. En mi presente solo una persona me ha llegado a poner celosa, o he sentido celos con la simple idea de saber que podía alguien mirarlo. Loco, sí. Y sé que le agradó la idea de que me sienta así, pero me causo un infarto hepático de medidas catastróficas. Pero, bueno, en conclusión, tenemos que ser capaces de decir “BASTA”, aceptar lo que sentimos, y proponernos darnos un chance ya sea hoy o mañana, pero hacerlo. Nadie sabe qué pueda llegar a suceder, si sea algo exitoso o un "fracaso" más. A las finales, no será un "fracaso" sino una experiencia que te ayudará en un futuro. Pero, ¿qué puedes perder? Si nunca lo intentas, nunca sabrás y sólo estarás lleno de "¿qué hubiera sido si...?". No dejes que esas palabras te persigan y atormenten, y luego te arrepientas de no haber sido lo suficientemente fuerte y valiente para haber tomado aquel otro paso. Párate, y ponte bien aquellos ovarios /pantalones que Dios te dio, y enfrenta la situación, a tí mismo y  a aquellos sentimientos. A veces, las cosas más inesperadas son las que terminan sucediendo... la llegada de un nuevo amor o simplemente una nueva etapa en tu vida. La vida es corta, vive y disfruta cada momento y experiencia al máximo. Di lo que sientas a aquella persona sin pensar en cómo lo tomara. Deja de controlarte y reprimirte. Si es recíproco, genial, pero si no, tú cumpliste con decirlo y expresarlo. Una decisión que he tomado :)

What's life really about?

Simple but also complicated question, isn’t it? What is life really about? Is there any short or long answer? I don’t believe there is just one. Life is relative. It is about how you want to see and live it. It is happiness and sadness, love and “hate”, winning and losing. Sometimes we spend so much time trying to comprehend what life is about, trying to understand what went wrong in the past by reliving the mistakes we or people made which just brings pain into your life unless you want to see it as lessons learned, thinking about the people we lost in one way or another  or even pursuing “our happiness” forgetting we are just focusing in the future leaving on the side the present that we should be living, enjoying and actually doing something for our so claim “happiness.”

Most of us run away from our past but aren’t we just doing the opposite by keeping it in mind more than we should. The past is just that THE PAST. Something we already lived and whether the outcome was good or not, we will not be able to change it and is still part of our history. Mistakes are not just that but lessons that you are supposed to learn along the way. Not all of them would be easy to go through but that is life, isn’t it? It always challenges you and you should use it as ways to prove yourself you learn “the lessons” and you are better than you were before. Not everything related to the past has to be bad whether or not that chapter(s) ended or there are still some unsolved situations. If you still need to work through something, try to do it when you feel ready to do so. Look for the best time (depends on each situation) because you can’t run from that for too long. Life has its own funny way to make you comfort all that when you least expect it. Deal with your past or it will haunt you and the person(s) around you and it will not let you be truly happy. You cannot be attached to someone and/or some situations and use them as excuses to whatever is going on in your present because it will just stop you from enjoying what really matters your present and everything that involves it. Also, at the moment that you think you are ready to confront your past you should be ready to forgive the other person’s mistakes but also yours as well. Even though at the moment you might not see it, sometimes it is our fault as well. Think beyond what could happen, sometimes we think that our past comes back because it’s meant to be now or we have another lesson to learn making us attach to that “something” that we already know it is not good for us. It might come back just as prove to ourselves that we can say NO! Because you already learned what you were supposed to learn and if you know it will just bring pain into your life why would you decide to go down that road again? On the other hand, you should also be able to see what went right and the good memories and people that you got to know whether or not they still part of your life. One way or another they have shaped the way you are and see things now. Maybe he/she is not part of your life anymore or maybe he/she is but not as you will like them to; but remember the good times and what you learned from those experiences. Maybe that person helped you to realize and get to know who you are, confront your fears, admit that it’s ok to feel and be vulnerable from time to time, or just crack that wall you built to protect yourself. Every decision you have taken brought you to be the person you are now and where you stand.

Another “mistake” that most of us make is worrying about what the future has for us or what we want in the long run. It is not bad to actually want something good for us whether it is related to career, familiar or personal matters till we cross the limit and stop enjoying our preset because of it. The future is just a possibility, millions of them so why focus in something that you are not even sure it is going to happen. I know sometimes we do it as a way to protect ourselves from failure or rejection but we can’t live that way because at some point we have to confront situations and feelings that might not be as good as we would like to but will make us stronger. In love matters, sometimes we are trying to think ahead leaving on the side what is going on around us. We are trying to figure someone out and their intentions that we do not appreciate or enjoy their company. Is it worth it? Or it is better to enjoy the moment and what you have to live with that person. It all depends on the personality of each person but I believe you can find a way to care about the future but also enjoy the little moments you can spend with that special one. Maybe you two are mean to be together or maybe not. However, whether you are together with someone for couple of weeks, months or years, you should appreciate and be happy of what you live with them because at the end of the day these are going to be not just memories but also lessons that might help you later on in life. In addition, never rush or stop your life based on what you think might or not happen. When something is mean to be or has to happen, it will eventually never sooner never later and I know this by my own experience. Care about your future BUT don’t live in it…

Finally it’s time to talk to our priceless present. That one sometimes we do not give it the time we should, enjoy it as we deserve or just live it in general because our mind is still thinking about the past we already lived and worrying about the future that is still to come. Sometimes we are so afraid to make the same mistakes or just get hurt once again forgetting that our present can be different from the past. People are not the same even though they share common characteristics as gender, nationality or any type or culture background. You cannot compare people based on past experiences. Instead think about you have learned and use it in a positive way, in a way it will help you to “avoid” problems and be happy in next experiences yet to come. Besides, it is important to think and get excited about what the future might have for us even though it can be a little frightening as well. The important thing is not to stop yourself from living. Remember the past from time to time might come back in some way but be able to see it as a way of learning instead of just bad memories that might bring pain. Worry and care about your future but do not stop enjoying what the present is offering you because the future is just a possibility that it is up to you to make it happen and for that you need to live and make things happen in the present that in the long run will bring you happiness. Enjoy the moment, the little things that people and things around you have been offering but maybe you have been too blind to see because of fears or concerns. You only live once so make it big. Be happy with who you are and what you’ve done. Leave footprints not only in the hearts of your love ones but any person who get to know.

Holding Back

This term is use more often than you think. Who hasn’t asked the person they like to not hold back on how they feeling or who hasn’t decided to hold back because they are afraid of getting hurt? Holding back is kind of a “mechanism of defense”. You try to protect your heart by not showing the emotions you might or might not be feeling at the moment. Maybe it’s because you just want to have fun then why there should be any feeling involve, right? Or maybe because the person that you might be talking to doesn’t show you the security that you need to feel to actually open your heart to them. Some of us have judged the people who hold back even got mad and said it is impossible for us to think about dating them because of it. However, have you stopped and thought why is that person holding back? Or even, maybe you are holding back without even noticing it too? Some of us do it without even knowing it because we get so used to hold back so we will not get hurt or at least that’s how we want to see it. Is that really true or does that even work? I guess it can work for a while. However, everything has a risk and you know it. When you get so used to hold back, there is a moment when you realize you might start having feeling for someone but you will not let yourself show those emotions for different reasons. Sometimes because for you there will be no point on showing them since you are not sure If the person feels the same way so what’s the point on taking that path because when you admit how you feel then you will have to deal with that whether you like it or not. Another reason is because even though you want to show those feelings; you just don’t know how to do it anymore. You try to do something and the outcome is way different. At that moment is when you start thinking if it is worth to hold back all the time or when it is necessary to do so. There is not an exact answer to those questions, it depends on each person and how you want to live your life. However, you should think if it's really worth it or it’s better to take a chance even thought you might end up hurt? In my case, I could say I’m so used to hold back than sometimes it is a little difficult to show how I truly feel. I will not deny that in some cases it was worth to hold back but in another I lost that chance because I did it. That's life, isn’t it? Some people like to live their lives based in risks but life in general isn’t a bunch of risks? Holding back, love, friendships, careers, almost everything is a 50-50 chances. There is no magic recipe to take the option that will bring you to success so I guess you should try to look for the balance based on the case and situation you are in… On the other hand, if you are on those people who are always asking the person you like to stop holding back try to think beyond that fact and understand why it's happening. Maybe he/she is just afraid of getting hurt ( past experiences) or maybe it’s that he/she is waiting to see and feel secure enough to show his/hers true feelings. Don’t complain about it! Instead try to make them feel it is OK to show how they feel and that you will appreciate and protect- respect those feelings. Things might or might not work out between you two but the most important thing is to respect how the other person feels whether you like or feel the same way or not. Remember there is KARMA and if you play with someone’s feeling, you should be sure that will come back to you. Never ever be sorry for what someone can feel for you! That is one of the worst things you can do or say to someone. Appreciate how that person feels about you even more if you know that is how he/she truly feels (This does not mean you have to feel the same way).

Conclusiones

A lo largo de mi vida he aprendido que las cosas nos suceden por algo, todo tiene una razon de ser en su momento asi no lo parezca. Hay cosas que nos pueden quitar una lagrima o sonriza , pero que nos hacen la personas que somos ahora. Que muchas personas dejan un vacio en nuestros corazones cuando parten o se alejan, pero que debieron hacerlo para asi llegar a conocer a aquellas que nos brindan emociones sumamente increibles. Que nada es para siempre, y que el nunca no existe ya que muchas veces aquellas cosas "imposibles" son las que suelen suceder. Que siempre hay un talvez, y siempre habra un despues. Que necesitamos llorar, para valorar aquellos momentos que nos traen sonrizas. Que las personas llegan a nuestra vida en el momento indicado y con un proposito. NO debes dejar que nadie te haga sentir menos, eres especial y unico a tu forma. Debes amarte a ti mismo antes de decir que amas a alguien mas. Que no hay peor enemigo y critico que uno mismo. Podemos estar con personas a nuestro alrededor , sin embargo muchas veces son en esos momentos en el que mas solo nos sentimos. Debes aprender a afrontar las cosas tu mismo, no siempre habra quien te aconseje o de soluciones. Eres el dueño de tu propio destino, tu escribes tu historia y decides el final de ella. Si amas o alguien te importa realmente, siempre querras lo mejor para el/ ella sea o no a tu lado. El verdadero amor no es egoista mas bien es sacrificado. Que aveces las personas que dicen jamas se iran , son las primeras en partir. Muchas veces nos quedamos atrapados en el pasado, preocupados en el futuro y dejamos de lado nuestro presente. Que hay personas que marcaran nuestras vidas, ya sea que las conozcamos por un largo o corto tiempo. Que no debes mendigar amor, porque ese sentimiento se da nose pide. Que hay batallas que podemos luchar y vencer, pero hay otras que se deben dar por si solas. Que cuando realmente debe suceder algo, pasara por mas que mil y una cosa o persona trate de impedirlo. Aunque aveces deseemos algo con todo el corazon , no siempre suele suceder. Que muchas veces finalmente llegamos a valorar lo que tenemos cuando lo vemos perdido. Pocas son las personas que saben perdonar y admitir sus erroes. Que si quieres que algo suceda debes ser participe, poner de tu parte hasta cierto punto ya el tiempo dira que debe pasar.Que la vida te pone pruebas muy fuertes pero jamas ninguna que no podamos sobrepasar. Momentos en los que reconocemos lo fragiles que podemos llegar a ser, pero sacamos fuerzas de donde ya no exiten. Que una lagrima puede ser simbolo de vulnerabilidad pero tambien de valor. No hay que ver lo "malo" que pudo habernos pasado como algo negativo sino como enseñanzas y experiencias que nos da la vida y por ende nos toco vivir. Y que en algun momento podremos vivir esos momentos de felicidad que tanto añoramos cuando sea el momento. Compartir con ese ser especial y todos los que amamos. Tiempo al tiempo , ser paciente y siempre siempre ser capaz de ver y valorar lo lejos que haz llegado y lo lejos que aun puedes llegar. Vive cada momento al maximo, nunca sabes cuando puede acabar o en que puede terminar :)