Bye 2015 ... Hello 2016

Another year ends today. Yet this year had a different taste. It was not what I expected because for the first time I was not expecting anything to happen. That's when everything started to happen. During this year, I keep working on loving and taking care of myself in every aspect. Understanding my emotions and growing as individual and professional.

It was a year made to finish making peace with some situations that happened a while back but still hurt. A year where I let go some friendships because they were toxic for me. I give a honest and valuable friendship and I am not gonna let people take advantage of that. 

This year a couple of people came back in to my life and I am glad they did. Some came back to stay and some just to make peace with particular situations.Confronting situations, truths that hurt will always be difficult. Yet you can only play along for way too long before anyone snaps. 

I value honesty and loyalty more than ever.  There way too many people who are selfish and excuse themselves with anything so they get what they want. I try to be as honest as I can. I feel proud of that because I know I can see anyone directly to the eyes without hesitation.

I learned to forgive. I know I will never forget the things I went through but I will not make people pay for their mistakes forever. As long as you see pure intentions, starting from zero can happen. 

I know what I bring to the table. Don't get me wrong, I know I am not perfect but I also know that I give my best to any relationship I have (friendship-romance). Therefore, I will not hesitate to end a link with someone who takes me for granted no matter if I know him/her for days, weeks, months or years. If they are meant to be part of my life, our path will cross again. Otherwise, radical good bye.

I am proud I am learning to be 100% independent woman as a person and professional. Still a long way to go but I am enjoying the ride. 

2016 Start tonight, a new year full of new challenges and rewards. The big 25 in 3 weeks! Gonna keep "growing up", learning and taking all in. My goal is to be happy and the best person I can be. Who will be next to me? I don't know. For the first time, I have no expectations, no "plans" . I have short tem and long term goal and I will work for them to happen. I derserve to be happy and that is what I am going to do. 

Me Without You

Do you feel like something's missing when your skin is pressed to mine? I would whisper you a riot if you'd listen to the sound that you've ignored a thousand times...

'Cause I am only me when I'm without you,

All I ever wanted was a part of you that I couldn't break, a piece of you that I couldn't take apart, but we're in pieces now, and all you ever wanted was a part of me that I couldn't fake, I never made it easy to shape my heart, but it's not beating now, I have to let you down...

There is ice in place of answers and a cold that chills the bones, When September came and went without an answer, we were left to Fall for Winter on our own...

Routine vs Reality

How many of us have use routine to escape from realities? If you say you haven't, I am pretty sure you are lying to yourself.  Routine helps us play it safe whether it is about your career or personal life. Routines are easy to follow and that is why is so easy to fall into them without even realize it.

Jumping off that routine, taking the risk to follow a new love/ new old love, new job, new dream is hard but sometimes worth it when doing it for the right reasons. So many people stay in a unhealthy relationships for different reasons plus it is always easier than start from scratch. Unhealthy relationship can vary from relationship to relationship. It is not only related to violence. If you don't know how to identify one I leave you a couple of examples if bad "routines"

• If you are with someone you dint love but act like you do just because you don't want to be alone.
• You keep cheating on your partner
• You keep bringing your partner down or vice-versa
• You know you are in love with someone else but do not want to admit it to yourself or your partner
• If you jump from one relationship to another in matter of hours or days, that a very toxic cycle.
• Toxic friendships. You keep those friend who stab you in the back way to many times that you lost count. They would talk extremely poor about you to strangers and even your love ones.
• That crappy job. They will take advantage of you but you are there because you need it or you are afraid. 

No one says that open up your eyes will be easy. It never is! But it is important for you to see that you deserve to be happy in the right way ( not stepping on people or playing games). If you don't try to pursuit you happiness, NO ONE will do it for you. So get out of that "stupid comfort zone"... confess your love, confess your dream and follow it with your heart and head in the right place.  Break up with that nasty and toxic relationship that you have and ask your love to be only yours. Get the new job that you want! ( get it before quitting lol we all pay bills ). Get that new hair cut you so want but everyone is against lol

If you are truly happy, everyone will notice!  Stop denying to yourself the chance to feel true love, true passion, true happiness because you want to do what is "correct-right". You will do the right thing by being honest, truly honest to YOU and the ones around- next to you

100 Question Tag

1:Do you sleep with your closet doors open or closed?   Closed
2:Do you take the shampoos and conditioner bottles from hotel?   No
3:Do you sleep with your sheets tucked in or out?    In
4:Have you ever stolen a street sign before?   No
5:Do you like to use post-it notes?  Yes
6:Do you cut out coupons but then never use them?  Sometimes
7:Would you rather be attacked by a big bear or a swarm of a bees?   Big bear
8:Do you have freckles?   No
9:Do you always smile for pictures?   Most of the time 
10:What is your biggest pet peeve?   IDK
11:Do you ever count your steps when you walk?   No
12:Have you ever peed in the woods?   No lol
13:What about pooped in the woods?   Nop lol
14:Do you ever dance even if theres no music playing?   Of course lol 
15:Do you chew your pens and pencils?   no
16:How many people have you slept with this week?   Non of your business lmao
17:What size is your bed?   Big enough for me to sleep amazing lol
18:What is your Song of the week?   Love yourself by justing Bieber
19:Is it okay for guys to wear pink?   Of course. Wear whatever you like!
20:Do you still watch cartoons?  Not really
21:Whats your least favorite movie?   The Notebook
22:Where would you bury hidden treasure if you had some?   IDK
23:What do you drink with dinner?   Juice
24:What do you dip a chicken nugget in?   Barbecue sauce
25:What is your favorite food?   Food!
26:What movies could you watch over and over and still love?   Comedies
27:Last person you kissed/kissed you?   him <3
28:Were you ever a boy/girl scout?   lol
29:Would you ever strip or pose nude in a magazine?    Maybe for 1 billion of $
30:When was the last time you wrote a letter to someone on paper?   2 Years ago
31:Can you change the oil on a car?   I wish
32:Ever gotten a speeding ticket?   Never
33:Ever ran out of gas?   Never
34:Favorite kind of sandwich?   egg and bacon
35:Best thing to eat for breakfast?....depends on my mood
36:What is your usual bedtime?   M-F 10 
37:Are you lazy?   Sometimes
38:When you were a kid, what did you dress up as for Halloween?   Gypsy
39:What is your Chinese astrological sign?   I don't know lol
40:How many languages can you speak?   Two (English and Spanish)
41:Do you have any magazine subscriptions?   No
42:Which are better legos or lincoln logs?   Legos
43:Are you stubborn?   Sometimes
44:Who is better...Leno or Letterman?     who?
45:Ever watch soap operas?    I am a latina that should answer your questions lol
46:Are you afraid of heights?  YES :(
47:Do you sing in the car?   Yes lol
48:Do you sing in the shower?   No lol
49:Do you dance in the car?   Sometimes
50:Ever used a gun?   Once! so cool 
51:Last time you got a portrait taken by a photographer?   February 2015
52:Do you think musicals are cheesy?   Yeah
53:Is Christmas stressful?   Sometimes
54:Ever eat a pierogi?   No
55:Favorite type of fruit pie?   Apple pie
56:Occupations you wanted to be when you were a kid?    doctor and a mom
57:Do you believe in ghosts?  Totally
58:Ever have a Deja-vu feeling?    Yes!
59:Take a vitamin daily?   Yes
60:Wear slippers?   Yes
61:Wear a bath robe?   Yes
62:What do you wear to bed?   It depends on my mood tons of clothes, something light or naked lol
63:First concert?   Rock Festival (2007)
64:Wal-Mart, Target or Kmart?   Target
65:Nike or Adidas?   Adidas
66:Cheetos Or Fritos?   Cheetos
67:Peanuts or Sunflower seeds?   Peanuts
68:Ever hear of the group Tres Bien?   Nop
69:Ever take dance lessons?   Nop
70:Is there a profession you picture your future spouse doing?   No. I want him to be doing what he wants and love.
71:Can you curl your tongue?   Yes XP
72:Ever won a spelling bee?   No :( but I won't math contests lol
73:Have you ever cried because you were so happy?   Yes Two months ago when I saw my baby cousin birth 
74:Own any record albums?   couple
75:Own a record player?  no
76:Regularly burn incense?  Sometimes
77:Ever been in love?   Totally madly in love
78:Who would you like to see in concert?   Gianmarco, Romeo, Simple plan
79:What was the last concert you saw? All time Low
80:Hot tea or cold tea?   Ice tea
81:Tea or coffee?  Coffee
82:Sugar or snickerdoodles?   Sugar
83:Can you swim well?   Not at all
84:Can you hold your breath without holding your nose?   No
85:Are you patient?   Sometimes
86:DJ or band, at a wedding?    DJ
87:Ever won a contest?   Yes
88:Ever have plastic surgery?   No
89:Which are better black or green olives?   Both
90:Can you knit or crochet?   I used to
91:Best room for a fireplace?    Living room 
92:Do you want to get married?   Oh yeah one of my dreams
93:If married, how long have you been married?    Single
94:Who was your HS crush?   A1 and we were together for a year till I move to the US. We are good friends though
95:Do you cry and throw a fit until you get your own way?   No
96:Do you have kids?... Not yet
97:Do you want kids?... YES!
98:Whats your favorite color?   Purple, blue, black, wine red
99:Do you miss anyone right now? ...him a2 </3

Fears, Insecurities and A Little More

Fear, That Four Letter Word That We All Run From Or Even Judge. People Can Judge You Based On Your Fears And Insecurities.  Lately I Have Been Thinking That Fears And Insecurities Are The One Or At Least Have So Many Things In Common.  Many Of Our Insecurities Are Based Of The Fear Of Not Being Good Enough For The Ones We Love The Most ( Including Ourselves Of Course). 
Most of the time fears and insecurities have a negative connotation. I certainly don't believe they are negative. Let me explain, anything in big amounts or that damage you anyone you love is negative. Fears and insecurities can be seen as little "flags"  to keep our feet on the ground. Fear can keep us away from dangerous situations that can harm us physically, emotionally or psychologically. They will make us think twice before acting and doing it. That is good. The bad part of fears is that if we are not careful when analyzing them, we can let them stop us from living. There is were you need to find your balance and differentiate which is the case. On the other side, insecurities are the flags that let you know that there may be things you can improve and work on. No one is perfect; therefore, there is always something to work on just don't use this to destroy yourself and self confidence. 

Always be aware to that little voice that may warn you about what can happen. If you know it is irrational, fight it! You are the only one who will stop you from being happy. People can get on the way. Yet what is meant for you, will be yours sooner or later. Just have faith and be positive. Always give your 200% :) Finally make it happen! If you want that loe to be your, make it happen. Want that job, show you are worth of the opportunity. You got this. Just do it!

Not The Same One

Three months ago i received a call that i was not expecting whatsoever. someone i really care about who was going through one of the hardest moment of his life. after talking for an hour or two, we ended up talking about the past. we know each other 8 years going to 9 in january. we talked and remember many things we went through together and individually. we talked about how we pictured our lives by now. it was incredible to see that what we taught we will be doing a 25 is not exactly the same that what actually happened. at that moment he said something that left me thinking for a long time - months- .
Back when I was 16, I thought I knew how my life will be now. To a certain point I even plan it out with times and everything. I though I was gonna be living in Peru. My career path was going to be medicine. The most important was that I thought I was going to be at least engaged or dating the love of my life by now. Yes I said starting a family was the most important thing... so what! For me, having a family has been always one of my biggest dreams follow by having a good career path. 

Life can change unexpectedly in just one second. My reality is that I am here at almost 25 single. Lost my mom. Living in another country. But hey not everything is bad. The good things is that even though I did not follow medicine; I have two majors. I have an associates in Business, a bachelors in Economics with concentration in business economics and a minor in Women and gender Studies. not bad right? Plus now I am bilingual ( not intended lol) Whether or not I met the love of my life will not be disclosed ;) 

I am not near where I want to be in my life - in general. But I am working on giving my best in every situation. I am not perfect not that I am trying to portray that. I know I can be impatient, extremely reserved with my feelings, emotional, caring- way too much -,. jealous at times (extremely rarely), stubborn, and have a huge pride. Hey hey before you get all excited about me listing my flaws. Let me remind you and I the good things about me - balance! I am caring, I forgive when I truly love, love to help, love to love. I am always willing to give you a hand if you need me no matter if we are on good or bad terms. I am loyal and faithful. The one thing I don't know if everyone will think is good or bad is that I am brutally honest. I never had filter when expressing my opinion or feelings but since my mom died, it has intensified lol Be warned if you ask me how I feel/think about you/ a situation, 200% honesty will come out of me. That will no change for anyone.

Going back to the story which started this whole post. I don't know how my life could have been if I didn't make the choices I did. There is no way to find out. I will never change my essence. I don't believe in "change" but I do believe people can fight against their own demons. You can improve and get worst. I know I have improve in many ways but also got worst. I do not have patience for bullshit. If you lie or betray me, I will cut you out of my life. Drastic yes but I wanna be surround and give myself and my time to worthy people. 

If you ask me if I am the same person who left Peru in 2008, I am not. The innocent and at times weak woman. The one who will do anything to get out of the "spot light" The one who will wait for someone to help her make choices. The one who will fight no to go out of her comfort zone. That person is not the same. I have jumped out of my comfort zone long time ago and I keep doing it every day or at least I try to. I am completely independent right now which I am extremely proud of.  So please never under or over estimate me. I am just me. I will not please anyone. I will always listen the advice of my love ones, think about and IF THEY ARE RIGHT, I will modify things around otherwise everything will e the same. There is a difference between listen to someone advice and changing for them ! Last and one of the most important things that change in me is that now I will fight for my happiness and my love ( when I am in-love) against anything and anyone. Not going to make the mistake I did in the past. Lesson learn at that moment and always. 

P.D if you ever want to send suggestions about what you want me to write about please feel free to leave a comment or send it through askfm/EstefanyHurtadoTrabucco [there you can send suggestions and ask question giving your name or anonymously]  :)