To The One(s) who Broke my Heart

This goes to anyone who has broken this little heart whether they were family, friends or ex partner....

I am not sure if any of those people will read this but here it goes...

The number of people allow to be part of me and have access to my heart is pretty small. Therefore, the hurt is considerable when things like what you did happen.
You never apologized for you behavior. Instead, you acted like it was nothing and in some cases even victimized yourself.
Funny enough I did not picture my life without some of you but look at us know... complete strangers.  At times, I even questioned myself if I ever truly knew part of who you are/were... You broke my heart and soul because I did care.  I am not ashamed to accept that I even cried myself to sleep thinking about the whole situation. Maybe I showed and opened up  too much, too soon or maybe not enough...
The betrayal and disrespect was indescribable and unexpected. At some point and for some reason I even questioned if I deserved it but who does? I tried to understand why would you do something like that to ANYONE and where you could be coming from. However, at your age you should have a better sense of accountability and consequences. You should have known better...
I was there. I never judged. I hold your hand through it all... I am not rubbing it in because first of all I did it because that is what I wanted to do. However, 1% respect is all I asked in returned. For you to be honest enough to confront the situation face to face instead of hiding ... Too much to ask?
It took me a little while to understand that it was not me. I cannot fight to keep any type of relationship by myself. I need the other person to care and you did not or not enough. You were not afraid to lose me so why should I? My care/love for you was transformed into appreciation of memories and lessons you gave me in the time shared. if you thought you destroyed me, hunny you did not...
The scars were meaningful this time around which cannot be denied. I have been so scared to open up to possible new friends or partner. I was second guessing people intentions. What do they want? What if I care and they leave again? what if the story keeps repeating? What if I am not enough? It did brought some anxiety until I understand some stuff. I focus on healing myself. I focus on loving and getting to know ME even deeper. I tried to find out what "mistakes" I could have made so I can deal with them, be a little bit more happy and in peace.
Caring too much and loving a person as a friend or partner still scares me- a bit. I understand that opening up and being vulnerable is not easy and that is ok. The pain you caused me made me stronger. Made me value more the people I have by my side. I know what I don't want for me in a friend or partner I know the type of person and behavior I will not allow to be...
Today, I acknowledge that I do not open easily but when I connect with someone friendly or romantically , I do care/love deeply and fast. That has been my strength and weakness. I am eager to know and connect to new people. I am excited even if scared to fall in love and be loved. I will express what I feel and think honestly and truthfully. I will value more the effort people make to be here for me, love and make me happy. I notice the little things more...
Today I am open to possibilities. I embrace me and what it is meant to be in my life..I am ready for what is next. If there is any issues, I will work on it. I will figure it out. I am strong enough to do so. As long someone is honest, has feeling for me  but most important truly wants to be part of my life; we  will work things out.. That is my policy for everyone... family, friends and romance. We will be a team and if that changes and you don't desire to have me in your life.. say it... I will leave respectfully.  There is a difference between forcing things and fighting for something you care... I value what I have and will have as part of my life and me...

Today I say I forgave you because I deserve to be in peace even if you never apologize or explain your behavior ... I have the courage to do that.. do you?

Ladies Talk...

Last post was all about what makes a man...a man.. well at least in my eyes.. Therefore, it is only fair to give the other side of the story.... what makes me a WOMAN with all big letters...
We all know or at least hope are aware than being a woman has always been complicated.  We have to overcome countless obstacles throughout history and even nowadays.  It is intriguing how women "have" to fulfill more expectations than men since they have been naturalized...
Anyways, here are some characteristics of a G.O.O.D woman in my eyes and who I hope to be...

• She is honest with the ones she loved but most important with herself. She knows lies and betrayals hurts someone if deeper level than a regular person can imagine
• She commits since day one. She knows the long term goal is to have a healthy relationship which includes bumps along the road. She will not leave you hanging because you turnout to be not perfect. Instead, she will be there to help you overcome it and remind you that her support is the good, bad and in-between days. 
• She is independent in all aspects so don't expect her to beg you to be in her life  no matter what link you have ( friendship/romance/family). If you want to be part of her life, believe she will match your efforts...
• She is empathetic and forgives. However, she doesn't allow people play her. If someone takes advantage of her, she will learn and grow from the experience. However, remember she is not the one being played, that person played themselves.
• She is serious but also  let her guard down from time to time. She can be silly just like a little girl and serious when it comes to protect her love ones as a mother would.
• She always play with her "deck" open. She will let you know what role you play in her life. She doesn't play little games that will lead on people.
• She is humble and down to earth. She gets far in life in all aspects but always remember where she comes from and is proud of it. Proud of every obstacle she has overcome and will do in the future
• She is accountable for her mistakes. She is not afraid to say " sorry" and apologize. She embraces  it and grows.
• She is supportive and responsible in all aspects. She makes time for her priorities but also for her relationships ( family, friends and romance) . She knows know the importance to nurture her future but also her heart.
• She acknowledges her flaws and constantly work on them. She is aware some day will be better than other and tries to embrace challenges in a  positive way.Even if she breaks down from time to time, she rises stronger.
  
• Her words have meaning. She says what she means and means what she says. She does not express feelings she does not feel with everything she got. 
• Treats all people equality no matter religion, sexuality, status, and more. 
• If she wants a parter, she will want someone who complement his life. Someone who share same values and point of view even if that would challenge her at times. Someone who inspires him tone and do better. She does not look for enablers or someone to manipulate. 
• She values every detail her love ones have with her. That text message , DM , post, call out of no where letting her know she was on your mind or that random friend thats tops by her house to chat, grab lunch or just sing in the car... The most simple ways to show love to her will make her heart warm and even bring tears of joy 
• She has respect for people who is accountable for their errors confront her apologizes and change their behavior. She acknowledges that fighting with your own demons is not easy therefore; the effort is valued. She cannot fixed something she did not break but she can compromise.... meet on the way for a mutual goal be in each other lives.
• She knows how precious are "second changes" whether she gives or receives one. 
• Before she expects or ask anything from anyone, she makes sure to be able to bring the to the table in all aspects
• Her life seeks meaning deeper than materialistic or physical things
• She is patient because she know there is no perfection. However, she had boundaries which keep her relationships and herself health
• She is terrified of love, trust and walls she has built. However, she conquers those fears when she crosses path with people who are worth the risk and make her safe to do it.

As a woman, we have so many expectation on what to do or not, how to feel, how to react.... endless I would say as previously mentioned. We have a magnifying glass because it is easier to judge a woman than a man . Facts! Whether you want to accept it or not .. it's so normalized is terrifying at times. However,  it can also be used as motivation to be the best you can and prove people and your own fears wrong.
I am a great catch.. I know it! I know what I want, deserve and am willing to put up with. I have embrace challenges that I never thought I would. I have gotten my heart broken more times I can count. But for some reason; I still believe in true love. I have been played , cheated on, ghosted, took advantage of but I still believe there is good. I have cried myself to sleep but woke up and put a smile on my face and keep on fighting. Life is not about who does not cry ... is the survival of the strong ones and hey I AM A STRONG WOMAN!  I know I will always give my best to the one(s) I love. I will be there through thick and thin (truly). I know how to walk away when people treats me with no respect. If someone comes back for good and real reasons, I LISTEN, I forgive but don't forget because the lessons must not be forgotten. they help you avoid the same mistakes... I keep learning... I am ready for what it comes and if I am not, I will figure it out... I always do....

Good Man? Man Enough?

Society is always so worry defining masculinity. What a real man is all  about. What he should look like How he should behave . How he should love or not. How "successful' he should be by a certain age. This machismo is too much letting "boys" believe that they can pretend to men or even a gentleman just because. Believe me a true man and gentleman can be spotted a thousand miles a way. Boy play so many game and have a pattern so you can see it and it is up to you if you want to be naive or play their games.
Here are some characteristic that what a true man is for me... which I would like to have as friend and even more partner.. but thats for another post lol

• A MAN is honest. Whether he want to have fun or something serious. He knows everyone time is priceless. Does not play games. He leaves that for "boys"
• He takes accountability for any mistake he can commit. He will apologize and change his behavior
• He is constantly working on himself. He want to be the best version of himself not only for his love ones but for him.
• He is trustworthy. Make people feel safe and it shown through his actions. Faithful
• He knows how to be loyal an to commit. No only on the personal( intimate, relations with his circle ) level but in his professional life. 
  
• He has goal he knows will achieve with effort and perseverance. He knows there will be up and downs but does not give up as soon as something bad happens. Instead he uses it as motivation.
• His word is powerful. He does not say things he don't mean. 
• He knows when to ask for help and be vulnerable,
• He is not afraid of deep feelings, emotions and conversations. He seeks meaning 
• He respect everyone and not only when it is convenient.
• He is not selfish. He is empathetic with people so he will think twice before causing any type of pain to anyone. He is aware that his actions have consequences.
• He is responsible ( financially & emotionally) but let go from time to time
• He knows communication is a key for all his relations in his inner - outer circle
• He protects his love one without having to hide stuff
• He knows when to let go ( respectfully) and when to make a comeback stronger  and consistent.
• He is humble
• Love is not a game for them. They only go there when its true. Never settle just not to be "alone"thats for weak people 
• Treats all people equality no matter religion, sexuality, status, and more. 
• Has those little details with his family , friends and partners. Makes them feel important - even romantic I could say... seeing that will make your heart feel all warm...
• If he wants a parter, he will want someone who complement his life. Someone who share same values and point of view even if that would challenge him at times. Someone who inspires him tone and do better. He does not look for enablers or someone to manipulate. 

A real man is more than what he owns. more than what he has on his pockets, more than sex/gender. A real man is human , a decent one. Never perfect but always as transparent as possible. Lead by example. My question for you is... Are you man enough?

Randoms...

Well, well I usually post deep thoughts that I want to take off my chest but this time around let go for something light... Lets share some facts about me...

1. Music was, is and always be my scape and best wait to express myself. It can change my mood in seconds.
2. The best gifts I have received so far was a guitar and letters... I still cannot play for my life lol
3. Neck and head (hair) massages are the best.. I swear I would fall asleep in seconds lol
4. The opinion of mothers of people close to me are super, mega important 
5. I RESPECT people who are honest about their feelings and points of views whether it is electronically and even more in person! Second one needs big cojones!.
6. My inner inca comes outs if you mess with people things I care about (love ones- career) or if you try to question my honor or even just call me weak . Don't try me! someone did a few years back
7. One of my favorite scents is jasmine.
8. Favorite flowers: roses, tulips and orchids
9. Favorite color: Deep/blood red, black and dark blue
10. I hate limbo. Confront the situation in a mature way. 
11. I hate crying in front of people but there are certain topics that will make me break down in seconds.
12. My taste in music is super weird I can listen metal, romantic music, bachata, salsa ,etc... but no house and staff like that.... I need lyric, passion lol Don't judge! I can feel it lol 
13. Gilty pleasure... Food ... Food is my soulmate <3 Biggest sweet tooth therefore curvy figure lol
14. Some things I learned lately:
• You cannot fix what you did not break. However, you can out some effort to  make things better the other person makes the first move
• Appreciate what you have because memories cannot be touched
• Love deeply and hard. Be there and say everything you truly mean. However, keep yourself grounded and understand you can only be responsible for YOUR feelings and actions
15. I love to spoil my love ones when I can :)
16. One of the most unique compliments I have received is that I have a genuine laugh and it makes people laugh. LOVE IT! 
17. Goals: make people feel safe they can be themselves around me. 
18. It is easy for me to say no instead of yes... yes are scary! It is open to change and so many things can happen...
19. I am not afraid of dying ... morbid yeah yeah... get over it!
20. I have been in love 3 times only . For me to say  the "I L..." phrase takes A LOT! 
21. I always have a smile in my face no matter what can be happening in my life.
22. I am supper silly after a while and feeling comfortable/safe
23. I don't know how to flirt... I am super direct - no filter 
24. I'm overprotective of the one I love or things I care about. Don't mess with my career or love ones that my inner Inca comes out lol
25. I always wish I could do more to help anyone I love who is in "trouble" 
26. I am a sucker for the old type of love...one rose, a love letter, a dedicated song or playlist ... that makes my heart melt 
27. I love to dance whether it is at a club or any room in a house lol
28. Having a family is not a goal for me but a dream
29. I cannot sleep with socks on 😳 
30. Dying to go to and do a tour  Alcatraz at night but I can't unless I have a travel partner lol I love paranormal staff but I am a chicken too lol
31. I cannot stand egocentric people that think they can do no wrong 😑
32. I  have learned to be a very patient person but don't get me wrong I see or smell bs and I'm out.
33. I have very very few friends . Quality over quantity. I love spending time alone as much as I love company
34. I express my feeling best when I write than speaking... I even tend to overthink at times.
35. I kind of believe I am sensitive... sometimes my gut feelings or dreams come true... 🙅
36. I don't enjoy being the center of attention
37. Favorite comedians : Gabriel Iglesias and Russell Peters
38. If I really want something,  I will do it even if that means I will do it alone
39. I do not know how to give up on people I love but there is so much I could possibly do if they push me far enough.
40. I tend to be jealous but for me to admit it out loud will make me lose my color lol 

Bitter Sweet 28

According to my experiences, most people keep trying to portray a perfect life. However, I am not afraid to be the first to admit my life is FAR FAR from perfect. There are time I can look Chinese because of how hard I am laughing and times where I cry and tear up whether I have reasons or not.. it's ok. What I always try to do is remember where I come from and how far I've gotten. If I could go through the toughest time of my life by myself then I can confront any challenge life has for me. I have a very small inner circle which I love and appreciate dearly. Here are some of the lessons I keep with me...

1. Be yourself! Cliche? Maybe but it is true. The right people will stay by your side for the right reasons. Plus it gotta be tiring to pretend to be or act a certain way right? I'm continuously working on accepting and loving myself .. the good , the bad , the in between... working to be the best version of myself...
2. Appreciate the people who have been there for you 100%... through thick and thin. Believe me finding people like that gets harder and harder. Be grateful for that blessing that not many people can have. A lot of people may have an agenda whether you see it or not... Genuine people are in extinction which is pretty sad I'll say
3. Everyone needs their space and privacy. Hey! don't confuse this with pushing people away. Even the most loyal people can start putting some distance if you push them enough...It does not mean they don't love you but you have made them believe their presence or absence means the same to you -it hurts!-... then TALK TO THEM. Any "normal" person will understand you may not be feeling well or just wanna have some  "me time"  even they will be appreciative of your trust and sharing feelings.
4. Don't be so hard on yourself! Thats something I constantly work on this. I always feel I could do more or at least I wish I could for the ones I love. Which is even one of my biggest fears.. to not be enough for them .. to disappoint them and just the thought of it brings tears to my eyes... Learn to see every day battles as little victories - depending on what you may be going through-. Your journey, my journey will never be smooth .. That will be a freaking dream but life is not a dream. Your journey will make you tough. It may bring you to your knees here and there but believe that you are strong enough to learn and rise from it. Be your version 2.0 everyday for short and long term goals
5. Express how you feel! Mean what you say, say what you mean! Be brave! Opening up and being vulnerable its not easy. Tell your people how much you love and appreciate them not because they wanna hear it but because YOU FEEL it!... Life is so tricky so be happy you expressed them how they make you feel daily, monthly.. whatever you feel it is right but do it! A little " Im happy you're part of my life" can mean more than you think to the receiver than you could ever imagine. Now on the other hand, If you feel different about a friendship or relationship, be upfront! If you do care about that person, the least they deserve is you telling them the truth face to face don't you agree? You shouldn't be selfish and let them go... If they are meant to be your friend, parter, relative then BOTH of you will find the way to work things out and have a better relationship... You both will talk and start from zero. Easier said than done I know I know but it is not impossible Be the change! 
6. Tough love is not the same as being destructive. This applies whether you are the giver or receiver. Every advise should be welcomed as long as it comes from a place of respect and love. No-one likes to be put down when they are trying their best to be better but be conscious about your actions. Remember! what you do, your pain does not only affect you but you inner circle. Don't blind yourself due to the dark moment you may be going through. Don't get frustrated trying to get your point across. That person need that advice yes! but also need to feel safe enough to open up so both of you can find a better solution or at least find some comfort that things will be alright at some point. Having someone on your corner is valuable.
7. Start thinking on how would you like to be remembered. No it is not as dark as it may sound. It may motivate you to make sure you are doing what you need to do. Be the change and leave a print on people lives and souls. In my case, I want to be the person that will make other feel safe, respected, loved, listened, supported and appreciated. Will everyone appreciate it? hell no! there will be people who don't accept it, others will take advantage and even take it for granted. Therefore, it is important you do it because it's something you feel and want not because you are looking some type of award. The right ones will do give love and appreciation back or at least respect. 
8. Be open to learn new things at the most unexpected times. Whether it is a personal experience or someone else's. People I love the most are the ones who have broken my heart at the most unexpected time and given me the most valuable lessons. I also have learned from people's journeys seeing their strength too fight bigger and different "demons" and situations than me and succeeded. I'm grateful I met them because I have learned through them and with them. I was able to tell some of them I look up to them because they never gave up and always tried to best whether it was a hit or a miss... they kept fighting.
9. Patience. Oh boy I have learned!Every person has a different way of thinking, process and act and that should be respected as long as it is not shady or malicious. You cannot expect people to have the same heart than you! Therefore, patience and communication may go hand on hand some times. Let them breath, gather their thought and come back so you can address any situation. If you consider yourself a "ride or die" like myself, then be their freaking rock when they need you the most even if they push you away a bit in the beginning. Being there through thick and thin is not easy that is why those bonds are priceless. It is easy to be there for parties, holiday, laughs but it is more important to be there in those moments when that person just want company in complete silence, someone to hold them or just listened to them whether or not their feelings or thought make sense in that moment. Please talk  to each other. You don't have to share all the story just enough so the other person knows how to address any situation. You should't have to fight alone be fair to yourself if you have the support. Be aware someone may need you more than you know but they keep quite and submerge themselves in those nasty thoughts. Be empathetic even if you haven't experienced what they have gone through. Acknowledge what they feel and try to be there to the best of your abilities as long as they allow you too. There is so much you can do from distance...
10. Giving up...This one is not easy for me either. I'm fighter whether it is about a situation, project or person. I will try my best under any circumstances. I will fight hell and back before it is even a thought. As previously mentioned, I consider myself a ride or die so the only times I would take this path is if someone goes against my core values or if that person itself tell me  face to face " they don't want me to be part of their lives"Then I would respect that maybe just ask why because I do wanna grow from every experience and Id be gone...When it comes to project, I would give my best and be professional until the last moment as long as my team's work is not delayed 

Those are some lessons I have learned throughout the years and have been reinforced the past couple of months. I am sure they will not be the last ones. I keep evolving and learning every day, month and year. All I want is to be happy and make the ones I love happy as much as I can because their happiness is part of mine... Like me? Hate Me? ... I am just me...