What we left unsaid, where does it go?...

Do you know where do words unsaid go? What you want to do but don’t, where does it go? Where does what you want to say but don’t go? Where does what you don’t let yourself feel go? We would like that what we didn’t say would be forgotten but it just bottle up inside us. It fills our souls with silent screams.

What we left unspoken is transformed into insomnia, sore throat nostalgia, wrong timing.  What we left unspoken end up being a debt, an unfinished story. What we left unsaid will become dissatisfaction, sadness, and frustration. What we left unspoken will not die but will “kill us”. What they do not say is transformed into trauma, a poison that kills the soul. What we don’t say will lock you in the past. What we don’t say becomes an open wound.

L.O.V.E

After two of the people closest to me (Nataly [bff] & Francisco [bro]) pushing me to talk about love, i finally wrote this lol Amazing feeling that can bring many smiles or many tears depending on your individual experience(s) but for sure it leaves you memories and lessons you will never forget. I am 22 [ yet feeling like 30 lol ] and have not had many experiences when it comes to it. However, I rather have quality experiences than quantity. This does not mean every experience was amazing. Hey, I had a couple for heartbreaks as well. I gotta say it frustrates me that for some people it is easy to use the word "LOVE" when they want to express their feeling without even realizing whether it is love or not. So maybe I should start by giving my personal definition about love.

L.O.V.E, the feeling we all go after yet some have and take for granted; and others live loving the one they cant have for whatever reason.  It is so simple but complicated at the same time. There are "formulas" for it yet not all of them workout. Love is having deep feelings for that special one not only physically- attraction or lust-but also actually like, love and accept the whole person. Even though when you are in love, you want to be with the one you love no matter what, you will not be selfish. Love is caring about that person and want the best for them even if it means to walk away and let them go. However, you will give everything in your power to make it work before "giving up" will be an option to consider. True love will never die even if the relationship ends. Yet it will be transformed in a special appreciation for that person and what you both lived together.
So far I've been in love twice in my life. Funny story both people share the same first name initial haha thats why I will call them Mr. A-1 and Mr. A-2 :) for privacy reasons plus they already know the stories lol...Let's Start 1,2,3,go!
Innocent love with Mr.A-1 I was in my senior year back in H.S. With only 16 years old I had my first true love. It was pretty innocent and amazing. He was/is a very amazing guy. Hey! thats why I ended up loving him even though he had to work for it because I was an stubborn lady. We were together for a year and the relationship was one of the best one I've had. We went through so much together but always together and trying to support each other in every way possible. The only reason why it ended was because I decided to move here (US). I don't know if it would have lasted longer or not or we could have gotten married ( joke) We are still friends and we will be there for each other during the darkest moments even after each one of us has followed the path we did. I will always care for him and his happiness. I am glad he is happy. I am sure his son will always be proud of him because he is working so hard to give him the best in the world.
Wake up love with Mr. A-2 So after 5 years, dated couple other guys and some heartbreaks; I met this guy. Gotta say every single guy I have ever dated is different from each other but this one was definitely DIFFERENT in many ways ( good ones though). I believe opposite poles attract each other because they will complement each other [at least in this case]. We were friends for about 6 months before we started dating. He broke some walls I had built up to protect myself which scare every single bone in my body and this is why I call this love story "wake up love" . It was the first time I have ever discussed about a future with someone and actually picture it and all. He has helped me to see things I didn't before and been there for me as much as he can. He means the world to me and whatever happens in our lives will never destruct this feeling. I will always be there for him to support him in everything I can. Hopefully the role I will have in his life is the same that I want but If not, I am sure he will be happy because he deserves it.
After the drastic changes I have gone through lately, I feel I have been blessed with the people I was/ have been in love, the ones who are closed to me ( friends & relatives) and everything I have. I am definitely a very strong person who will follow her heart and pursuit her happiness in every aspect of my life (personal, professional and family). I hope one of my many dreams ( having my own family and children) will happen soon enough and also get far in life [career whise] because I want the people I love to be proud of me. Now I have two beautiful angels in heaven who will definitely guide my path.

Warrior [ Part I ]

This is a story that I've never told I gotta get this off my chest to let it go

All the pain and the truth I wear like a battle wound So ashamed so confused, I was broken and bruised

Now I'm a warrior Now I've got thicker skin  I'm stronger than ive ever been And my armor, is made of steel,you can never hurt me again

Out of the ashes,I'm burning like a fire
 I've got shame, I've got scars That I'll never show I'm a survivor In more ways than you know

  I'm not broken, or bruised

There's a part of me I can't get back A little girl grew up too fast All it took was once, I'll never be the same Now I'm taking back my life today ...

Dear you... ( a letter for anyone who left my life friendships/love/relatives)

Dear you,

I am pretty sure this won't surprise you because If you know me at least a little bit, you know I express my feelings better in writing than speaking. 

You and I have fallen apart. The relationship/link we had till now is almost ruin completely if it is not already. It happened not only for any problem we had but also for circumstances from the outside that we let to get inside. You know how much you can mean to me or not and whether or not there is-was-will be love. You have made me believe that the love required in any relationship is not there anymore or at least it was not enough to make and fix whatever went down. Therefore, I am giving up. I don't give up on you because I don't care but because you don't or at least that's what it seems.
I deserve to be surround by people who truly love me and show it through actions specially when the darkest moments come. I am tired of giving my all and not receiving anything in return not even a sign that whatever I do is appreciated. You know I am a good person but everyone has a limit and after so long you reach mine. We can believe it was time for it to end, it wasn't mean to be in each other lives or in the near future things will not only get back to the way they were but be even better. Yet how you and everyone says " time will tell". You know how much I dislike that phrase but I respect and accept it.

You need to learn how to put yourself in the others' shoes . To not only expect things from people but also do the same things you expect. Take the blame for your mistakes and not only blame the other person.Say things you mean and back them up through actions. Be there not only when you want to and things are good; but most important when everything turns upside down and is dark and fearful. Stop justifying your mistakes saying " nobody is perfect." Even though you are right about not being perfect, you need to think before you act. Patience is something you need to work on. Stop underestimating me, you know just a piece of my history and even though I do worry a lot or get stressed easily; I am stronger than you think and can handle everything that have been / can happen in my life. You need to not only dream about your future but also work on it and surround yourself with people who truly love and care for you. There are few people who are part of your life but are as fake as they can be. You are aware of it still you have decided to keep them close to you. End cycles that are massively destructive for you because you hurt your present and kill your future even though you might deny it to yourself and justify it to you and everyone.
I wanted to be part of your life and be there to support you during the good and bad moments.Yet now I have a new role or my role has been destructed. I already have said everything you needed to know but here I am writing this to take it out of my chest .I forgive you and forgive myself for anything that happened.
 Sincerely,
                 Me
P.D
Don't you ever say I just walked away....Anything you wanna say do it you already know how to contact me (if you have the courage to do it in person then it will be the best way but I am sure you wont )...

Last night

   Well since I came back from my last trip, I have been thinking about everything that has been happening in my life during this year- the good, bad and neutral-. I've been able to see how everything fall into place getting me where I am right now whether I like it or not...good or bad. One change after another that's how I would describe my life. Some of them have brought tears others smiles but what I am sure is that I am growing strong from every single experience.
   Last night was quite interesting after having 3 deep talks[ with 3 different people by the way]. Each one of them deeper than the other. I have come to the point that I won't complain about what can be going on cuz what will be the point ? If I want to change or improve something, I gotta do it by and for myself to see it happening. Wishing will not be enough, actions are required. Now I have many positive things in mind that I want to happen and will work for. As people close (or not so much) to me have told me "I am too good  of a person not to find happiness by myself and even more with someone I love and care so much whether I already know that special one or will know soon enough."

   I am very happy even though things are far from perfect and how I would like them to be. I am in peace with myself and know that I will work on my relationships with God, the people I love and myself. Things have started to fall into place which surprises me but again it is cool. Now just time to wait for the outcome and I know for sure it will be beneficial for me.I am learning to see things from a different perspective and opening myself to new things and experiences as long as they will be right for me and what I am looking for myself in every aspect of my life.Definitely I feel I will not be the same after these couple of week somehow a new me " is being born" Feeling determined to work on my goals and be as happy as I can be.I have my priorities straight. Time to keep on  going, one step at a time and enjoying the journey which is bringing things I didn't expect but are surprising in a mysterious way.

Fears

Once again having the same feelings. It feels like a Deja'Vu. Wanting to do and say so many things but the fears of what will happen stops me even though I know that's one of the reason why I am in this situation(somehow).
I hate it! it is so hard for me to admit the feelings I have and even more express them . Stupid isnt it? That's when I say I love, miss or care about you [someone], believe it cuz it is not something I randomly say or do just to be polite.

People advice me to do what I feel, to take the risk and do what feels natural. However, knowing I would be putting myself out there in a way I NEVER did before makes me feel 10x more vulnerable and scare.I start questioning everything [biggest mistake].
I wish so many things would be different but at least I accepted most of them because I know it not up to me no matter what I do. I just try to be happy and give my best. Yet, even though this " one thing" is kinda the same I still have hope what I want will happen [ I know it is close to impossible]. I'm not the type of girl who keeps on trying when it comes to "emotional - heart things". I remember when someone told me once and couldn't be more right, it is easier for me to say "good bye" than to keep fighting to make things work. Yet this time I've tried to be different and I am still not sure about the outcome.
Even though I know how much I care about this situation and the whole thing, I wish I get a sign about it so at least I would know whether or not to keep fight for it or just finally give up. I know the best thing will be to have faith and patience but I rather know where I stand for better or for worst.
What frustrates me the most is that I let stupid people win. As I said before I hope I get another shot...Hoping for the best, preparing my heart and all me for the worst...