Being Cold Vs Acting Cold

So ok after a while people making comments about how I handle things I will talk about the difference of being cold and acting cold. During my last trip to my home country, I knew people had expectations (good and bad ones) about how I was going to act, dress, behave etc etc. The life changing fact that I lost my mother was making people be “concern” about me and behalf and not everyone actually care… I received very encouraging and positive feedback from friends, relatives and people in general but I felt some people were thinking about me in a negative way meaning I was acting better and “stronger” than they thought I would… Some people think I am cold heart… Flashing news of last minute I AM NOT! It is funny to me but seriously do you think I have an iced heart? I’m not Elsa from frozen lol… I know people were surprised about the decision I have made since I turn 16 but hey that is the way my parents raised me. Being independent and trying to see the bigger picture before taking decision only based on my emotional “mood” at that right moment…I know I act somewhat cold trying to handle some situations because I want the best outcome yet I am still affected by it whether it is positively or not. I am human not a machine -_-! 

Examples:

•   People judged me because I decided to come back after knowing my mom was terminal. It wasn’t because I was a bad daughter or worst but because if I had the time I would have loved to share the achievement of my bachelors with her. I knew it meant a lot for both of us. I spent two of her last three months. I did everything in my power to make sure she was okay with my decision and I was there for her physically and emotionally. I left everything that summer and I don’t regret it even though my life change completely after that trip in many ways.
•   After my mom passing I didn’t took time off to grief because it was time for midterms and also my last semester. I didn’t sacrifice time that I could have spent with my mom for nothing. Funny story I made it to the Dean List (honors) without any intensions. I guess it was my gateway. A lot of people said, “ it was admirable” for me it was the only option and decision I could have taken. I know my mom, family, and all love ones are proud of me. It is my way to honor her and my grandfather.
• When I end a relationship, I am hurt. It will be impossible for me not to because if I am with someone is because I actually care and love that person. My cousin pointed out I was “cold” after ending my last relationship. He could get around the idea of me being “ok” if I broke up with the only guy I actually picture my future with. He was stunned by it. My reply was:  not because I am not crying all over the place it doesn’t mean it didn’t broke my heart into X number of pieces. I wanted to last and still hope for another chance yet it is not just up to me. I can't get depressed because of it if I didn’t do it for my mom. I love him with all my heart (yeah I still do till TODAY) but if it is meant to be it will be plus if he truly loves me he will come to me and talk to me directly about us getting back together and how we would handle it this time. He said he could never guess how “mature” I was about the topic. I don’t think I am as mature as he thinks it is just the way I am and my view about certain topics.
  
• I am not as social as other people my age I rather watch a movie with good company or by myself, go to the mall, have dinner, etc. rather than go hard partying. I want to spend meaningful time with my love ones not just hours. I want to create memories and remember them and not be asking what I did last night. Maybe boring for many but again IT’S ME!
•  Sometimes I am not the first one to text. Depends on the matter (romantic or friendship) But usually I don’t want to bother anyone. I may want to talk or chill with that person but I know they have a life busier than mine right now (hopefully I will get busier soon – fingers crossed) so I don’t want to bother them. It doesn’t mean I don’t care. Romantically I love when the guy makes the first move. Old fashion? Maybe who knows but definitely I will be missing that person and wanting to see him and cuddle etc etc. No texts don’t mean anything. If you wonder something ASK ME!

As you see these are some examples that clearly shows I AM NOT COLD lol I act cold because it is my way to show I am strong even though some not so good things have happened in my life. Some people may see it as good some not so much. Yet it has helped me keep on going even if I break down form time to time. I have a very soft and fragile heart and some people know by experience. I don’t trust easily maybe that is why some people see me as serious and cold. I am more rational than emotional YET I FEEL believe it or not! I love, laugh, cry, break like anyone else. BUT I consider stronger as well because I am the moral support for my family. When there is a problem or clear example about my mom passing, they will go to me to feel better and tell me how they feel or ask for my opinion. Therefore I need to keep still and strong for them, for me. I make mistakes and sometimes I am a little too tough with some people. Please let me know! I am not a mind reader and I may not acknowledge it. If you tell me, I will try my best to be more careful. Hey everyone wants respect and consideration so do I. So now you know the difference. Being cold is not feeling at all, not caring, have no emotion. Acting cold is being a little more rational than emotional and it is very well explain.