Giving Up Or Not Giving Up

This year has been full of emotions in all aspects of my life that I really didn't see happening. This year is so different from last one ( I know all are but it is drastically different). Once again I am single, we both made mistake that lead to that. I lost my mother. But the one good thing is that I am closer to my family, I have been improving myself, and I got my bachelors.
After so many things, feelings , and thoughts going through my head in the last months particularly in the last couple of days I realize that when we want and desire something so much it may not end up happening. It contradicts what people say, right? In my personal experience; as much as I want something to happen whether is material or romantically, it seems to get further and further. It is not a secret I want to go back with my ex. To be honest now ( may 9th) I see it almost IMPOSSIBLE not because I stop loving him or anything like that but I don't know I just don't see it happening. It may, it may not....God and HIM only knows... I don't have a crystal ball to actually predict the future even though it will be epic & awesome. I wont deny it hurts like hell but I will just stop wishing it....I guess if it ends up happening, I will just let destiny and him surprise me cuz when it comes to me i will put everything on a box for now on paused.
It breaks my heart I lost two people I love the most in less than two months ( in between- the ex and my mom). Sometimes I wonder if maybe my destiny is to be alone.. no I am not a emo or  bitter - negative about my life. However, things and situations make me feel like it. Its hard to admit is not on my hands even though I've tried everything I could, maybe not enough but at least I sincerely did so I have no regrets.
I say good bye for now because I have no sign to think and do otherwise. I will be focusing on my life and as I said before if it happens it will be awesome and I will address the situation the best I can in that moment ... whenever that is or if it even happens....
About my mom, now I get that it was the best for her and if I love her, I have to be happy because she is not suffering anymore. It will always affect me but now I can talk about it because it is part of my story and who I am as a person. I will try to  make her proud whereever she is.
I am very happy now I am more expressive. I feel more comfortable saying whats on my mind and heart whether or not people agree or like it. I will keep improving because we never stop learning and growing which is good. Gotta focus in my short term goals since the long term still need some planning to do. I know great things are about to come.
Even though my life may not be perfect and anyone who read this post may thing I am complaining....well maybe I am to a certain point. Yet I like my life because for better or for worst it made me the person I am now. Hopefully things fall into place and somehow close to what I would like it but if not I will deal with the outcome the best I can as always...